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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 3
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OP
Newbie
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 3 |
I just stumbled upon this forum tonight in doing some research, and I thought maybe you could help me. I am a freelance magazine writer, and I am writing an article on women who either are putting off having children or don't want children altogether. (Just for the record, I fall in the former category - I'm 31 years old, married for nearly 7 years, constantly getting the "when are you going to have children?" question, want children someday but who knows when.) The articles I keep reading on this topic talk about how women are choosing to put their careers first, blah, blah, blah, but I think that is a cliched attitude and not the true reason that the majority of women are putting off having or deciding not to have children today. My personal reason that I have not yet had children is because (1) I still feel like I am a child, incapable of fully taking care of myself much less a whole other person; and (2) I don't want to lose my independence in the process of having a child - I enjoy my life, I enjoy traveling, I enjoy going out for martinis with my girlfriends, I enjoy just getting into a bubble bath and reading a magazine - those things will be nearly impossible once children come along. Basically, what I am wondering from you is, am I on the right track? Do you feel like I do? Is this a trend or a shared idea you are hearing amongst your friends? Would any of you be willing to share your reasons with me? I have had the hardest time finding any real information on this topic other than, like I mentioned earlier, the career vs. kids theory. Not only would I like this information for my research, but I would love to discuss this topic with other like-minded women. Thanks! Becca
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Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 134
Jellyfish
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Jellyfish
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 134 |
It's funny that you mention still feeling like a child - I've always had a hard time viewing myself as old enough to have children. I'm not sure why - I'm married, have a job, own a home, pay my bills, have a degree, etc. I agree with the not wanting to lose independence, too. I pretty much want to do what I want, when I want. And I just don't want to expend the endless effort and energy it takes to raise a child. I love to read - I read a lot. I know that would be impossible once I had a child. Same thing with traveling. I would say a career ranks at the bottom of the list for reasons to not have kids...
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 275
Shark
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Shark
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 275 |
There are a lot of reasons I have chosen to not have a child. I am 32 and while I don't really feel much like an adult-I remember a few years back I realized that not only would it not be considered a "problem" for me to be pregnant, but that it would be expected. I guess I had not yet thought of myself as an "adult"!
In a sense, my career is one reason I have chosen not to have children-just not in the way you might think. I work for a nonprofit organization and make very little money. If I wanted to have a kid, I would have to go back to working in the corporate world in order to support it. My husband is in grad school and wants to be a teacher. Until he finishes school, we are living off my small salary. Because we don't have kids, my husband and I have the energy and desire to work teens. I enjoy what I do and feel good about it.
Another reason I am not having children is that I don't really like them before they turn 12. I really think I would lose my mind dealing with even one kid from birth to age 12. As much as I think I would enjoy them as teens and adults, I have no interest, nor do I feel equipped, to deal with them when they are young.
Also, I am very independant and have many different things I enjoy doing. I work extra hours because I want to. I volunteer. I am taking graduate classes part time. I love to run and read and hike and work in the yard. Not only am I comfortable being alone, I prefer it.
I think that people have kids because they love kids or because they may feel lonely. I am not in either boat!
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 208
Shark
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Shark
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 208 |
Personally, career doesn't have a huge impact on the decision for me. It's more about not wanting to a)give up my interests for someone else and b)see myself as just someone's "Mother". I love my life. I have a great partner/soul mate who I love spending time with, have two hilarious dogs who make everyday a joy and I get to spend time on my hobbies when I'm not at work. If I had a child - what would be dropped off that list. For most people it seems to be spending quality time with their partner, their own interests and self development as well as their sense of self.
We have a goal of retiring from the corporate world in 10 years so that my fiance can pursue his love of boating full time and I can work for non-profit organisations. Adding a child to the mix would make that a much harder goal to achieve and I'm not sure that there would be sufficient benefits to outweigh the cost to our lives.
To me, having a child is a big responsibility and unless you're prepared to take the time to raise them to be well-rounded adults who are contributing members of society, you shouldn't have them. If you are willing to take on that responsibility and you want children because you "love kids" then adopt - there are thousands of unwanted children craving love.
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 614
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 614 |
Becca> I think you'll find that we all have different reasons that don't necessarily have anything to do with a career.
There are various reasons for me, but it took me awhile to realize that the main reason I'm so turned off by parenthood was because on my dad's side of the family, nearly everyone had 10+ kids and started having them at a young age. They also lived off welfare/food stamps and couldn't get jobs with decent wages. They were also bad parents, and so I was subjected to screaming, snot-nosed, violent brats at every family gathering. It really made a negative impact on me and made me never want to have kids.
But that's not the only reason. I always said (before I realized that I didn't want kids), that I wouldn't have a child until I had figured myself out first: education, career, etc. Well, my education is not finished. I have no career at the moment. I'm almost 32 years old. These things will take years yet to figure out, and I also value my friends and my free time, which is compromised by having kids. I've never been more creative than I am right now, and I'm living in Europe at the moment, so I can travel freely, unencumbered by kids.
I just don't feel the need for children. I'm content with the way things are. I also have no maternal instincts and I visibly cringe whenever I hear a kid screaming. I'm a substitute teacher right now, and believe me, that time spent with children is plenty. I also don't feel like I need to contribute to the overpopulation in the world either, so there is that.
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 10
Newbie
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Newbie
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 10 |
I think putting your career first is an excellent reason to postpone or not have kids at all (though that is not my reason). In general, my views are: to have a kid you should be intelligent, married, healthy, financially stable, be ready to give up all freedom and devote everything to the kid. Also, in advance, the parents would have to agree on all the major decisions regarding child rearing. Personally, I want nothing to do with kids. Growing up I was barely around anyone younger than me. Having never been interested in babies or kids when I was young, I never babysat (not that there was anyone to babysit). My immediate family lives far away from the rest of my family so there never were cousins around. I only have one older brother. He never had kids. My family just never knew anyone with babies or little kids so I have never been around any - really my whole life. I am glad I have not been around kids because I have nothing in common with them. Kids do boring "kid things". I have no interest in stuff they do and I will not pretend to. Speaking w/ them at their level - blah. Almost all kids these days are complete brats because their parents are clueless about what they are doing. Most parents make me sick. I got the Essure procedure at age 27. I know myself and I am positive I would have never changed my mind on the subject. The childbirth thing never spooked me. I can handle pain. I would have never treated my body so well during the pregnancy though (as in eat certain things or drink something if I wanted to, play sports, ride rollercoasters, etc). I wouldn't want to give up my life for 9 months - let alone 18 years. I would have to be college educated, be a millionaire, have excellent genes. My husband would have to do half of the work when caring for the kid and we would have to agree on nearly everything before it came up. Society would have to get their morals back. My family (sometimes nutcases) would have to be normal. I would not want a kid w/ a major disability (it would be heartbreaking to have to see them like that - not experience life normally). So basically, everything would have to be my way. Which that would have never happened. Oh well. Comment: any person who has a kid for the wrong reasons is unrespectable.
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 3
Newbie
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OP
Newbie
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 3 |
Thanks for all the great replies - keep them coming if anyone else has anything to add! Also, while I know this is a "married, no kids" board, is anyone still on the fence, or has everyone definitively decided that kids aren't for them? Or is anyone like me and wants children "someday" but for some reason keeps putting it off year after year? If so, what are your reasons?
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 235
Shark
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Shark
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 235 |
Becca: Career is also NOT the reason I decided not to have kids. I guess my reasons are closer to your reason #2... but not totally the same.
At first, financial reasons held me back, and that was probably a good thing, because it gave me time to think about whether having children was right for me.
Over time I figured out that the cost benefit analysis of having kids does not work out to the postive side... for me, there just aren't enough good things about having kids to outweigh the costs... not just in money, but also in time, effort, lack of sleep etc. I would resent the time and money required (and I would be cranky from lack of sleep!)
I also enjoy the freedom of not having children... I am free to do what I want, and I have money to eat out, go to movies, take vacations, go to bed early etc etc etc.
And another reason for me is that I did not have a particularly happy childhood. My parents were fine, but the other kids at school were VERY mean to me, and I didn't have any friends (and no girls my age in my neighbourhood). Kids are mean... I had my life threatened daily in middle school... and I would not want to put any child through what I went through. And from what I see on the news, and hear from parents... the schools are MUCH worse today than they were when I was in school.
I also don't find most babies/small children cute and I have no desire to change diapers or potty train, deal with sick kids or clean up puke. I would not have a CLUE how to deal with a rebellious or unmotivated teen. Add in the nasty side effects of pregnancy and childbirth (yuck!), the stress that children bring, and the additional strain on marriage that accompanies kids... and you'll start to realize that there are too many drawbacks for me to ever consider having children. I am VERY thankful that I live in an age and society where I have the ability to choose not to have children.
Becca, there are a number of threads on this forum where people talk about their reasons for not having children. I would suggest that you can get a lot of different perspectives from reading the posts here.
We'd love to see your finished article... can you post a link when it's done??
Last edited by jmb; 03/01/07 09:33 AM.
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 981
BellaOnline Editor Parakeet
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BellaOnline Editor Parakeet
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 981 |
Personally, as a historian by trade, I think that more women are choosing not to have children because they truly have a CHOICE today! In past generations, options for women were limited. Marriage and children is no longer the only path women can choose. We still have a long way to go towards true equality, but women are no longer financially dependent on men for their very survival, which has opened up a whole new world for us. Individual reasons may vary considerably, but I believe the groundwork has been set for all of us to make different choices than our mothers or grandmothers did.
Kim Kenney MNK Editor
Kim KenneyBellaOnline Museums EditorMy Museum Ebooks"Seek those who find your road agreeable, your personality and mind stimulating, your philosophy acceptable, and your experiences helpful. Let those who do not, seek their own kind." -Jean-Henri Fabre
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 2,002
Koala
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Koala
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 2,002 |
Chaco -
You said that you don't like kids younger than 12 ... I don't like kid OLDER than 12! If one of us ever gets pregnant, I'll take care of the first 11 1/2 years, and then you can have it after that. :-)
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