BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Nothing can be everything

A friend who quit her job to stay at home with her newborn (who is now 4 months old) called me today at work to tell me she was bored. Kid is on a routine now, house is in order...nothing to do. I suggested she a) have another baby or b) start watching the Sopranos now that it's out on DVD (my husband and I are hooked!)

My husband is having a little mid-life crisis and really hates his job and the line of work he's in and is trying, at the age of 35, to figure out what he wants to do when he grows up (one day it's going to law school, the next, it's opening a hardware store).

So why am I rambling on about this stuff? These past few weeks I've just really been struck by the fact that no one thing or person can be your entire life. Having kids and losing yourself in being a "mommy" isn't going to make you happy all the time. For some people it can be very fulfilling, but when the kids grow up, what happens then? A job can't be your whole life either, even if it is really cool and you have a good boss and all that. I don't think that even your significant other can be your everything...

You have to have something inside of you that keeps you growing and evoloving as a human being - it can't all come from someone else, no matter how much they love you, or your public accomplishments, because they are short-lived.

I certainly don't have life all figured out and I don't always have everything in perfect balance, but nonetheless, I feel pretty good--I have a wonderful husband, work that is usually pretty fun, a couple good friends, a few hobbies...

So either I'm on to something...or I just don't have the attention span to commit to any one thing for very long!

Recently I talked with a male friend of mine who is 33 and wanting a kid. We have been friends for about 12 years so all questions are fair game. I told him about how confused I was being in my 30's and having zero desire for a child. He told me that the reason he wanted a kid was that he was bored and ready for a challenge.

Around the time of this discussion I was also at a crossroads--wondering, "what's next?" Like your husband, I am always trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. I loved my job but had accomplished what I had set out to there.

I decided on going for my master's degree-I guess some people have kids. I think you are 100% right. They key to being fulfilled is doing what you enjoy. If that is having and raising kids, great. If it is climbing mountains, writing, gardening, etc...also great.

I agree. I used to beat myself up because my day job wasn't fulfilling or bettering humanity in some tangible way (aside from the argument that civilization needs roads, bridges, sewage treatment, which yes, it does -- I work for engineers).

I totally relate to your husband's crisis, though. I am constantly talking about going back to school, writing a book, tutoring, etc. It would be nice to not dread going to work ;-)

But... At some point I came to terms with having a less than glamorous, well paying day job enabling me to get fulfillment in other areas - volunteer work, travel, reading, etc.

I just think of all my parents' friends (mine included) who got divorced once the kids grew up/moved out and they were stuck alone with each other. They'd forgotten how to interact when it didn't revolve around the kids. How sad.

I think it's all part of being a well-rounded individual. Even CF people can be boring if they are one-track all the time (like the crazy cat-lady).

I agree with this x 1000. I thought perhaps I was flaky for the longest time because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. First I majored in Journalism, then Creative Writing, then English Literature. Then I decided to get a masters in English. When that didn't work out, I decided to go a different path...a path I have had to put on hold for now. I thought perhaps I'll do a Masters in Library Science, and now I'm trying to decide between that or Professional Writing. I definitely do not have a one track mind, and rather than seeing myself as flaky now, I see myself as being open to new possibilities, and I'm flexible. It probably makes me more interesting.

I've never had a job that I particularly liked. I would actually like to make writing my career, but at the present time, it's not lucrative at all. But at least now I'm sure I have something I'm truly passionate about. The discipline and motivation...well, that's another story.

Kids, however, are not something I'm remotely passionate about. Every once in awhile, I think "what if?" but those thoughts are generally fleeting. I've actually had people tell me that I should have a child because I have nothing better to do while I'm in Germany. What a ridiculous reason to have a kid! I have plenty to do...when I'm not working, I'm either at home writing/reading, out with friends, or exercising. I feel fulfilled, for the most part, and I don't think my life would be complete with a kid in it. I feel that my life is pretty complete now, and I'm content.

What a great topic! This is so true. I find that my interests are constantly changing and evolving. A few years ago I was really into crafts and quilting. Now I am really interested in learning to meditate so I can better handle the stresses in my life. I'm planning to enroll in a two month course to hopefully learn what I need to do to effectively integrate meditation into my life. If I had kids, I don't think I'd have the time to pursue as many interests.

Definitely a great topic. I tend to try out several new hobbies a year. One or two "sticks" and I keep dabbling in them. I tend to dive into things headlong and wholeheartedly, then get bored. Imagine if I did that with a baby!

I'm like that as well, I think it's a need for variety. I tend to get bored or over things quickly. Once I learn a new skill/master something, then I tend to move onto something new. It's always interesting though because then you tend to work from a good basis of general knowledge.

True- one of my big goals in life is to be well rounded. Maybe CF people are the new Renaissance Women/Men! :-)

"You have to have something inside of you that keeps you growing and evolving as a human being."

I couldn't agree with you more.

I totally agree. In my opinion the best parents are ones who have intersts and lives outside their kids. As a mother at my job said "your kids need to be an important part of your life, but they cant be your whole life." Also Im a teacher and I gave one of my assistants a job today that kept her away from the kids and she actually thanked me becuase she siad it was so nice to have a break from kids, since she has four at home. I also think that sometimes its actually stay at home moms who are better rounded then working moms. This might sound odd but some of the working moms I know are on a guilt trip and feel like every nanosecond they arent at work they need to be obsessing over the kid, enrolling it in a class, testings its IQ etc. I dont think this is healthy for the kids. Kids need to be loved but they should not be the only thing in their parents lives. I also think that in the past kids where actually less the focus of parents lives and that now with glamorization of motherhood and the fact that people are waiting longer their is more obsessing over parenthood in general.
Its very unhealthy to have your life revolve around one thing, whether you have kids or not. I thnk it wold be just as bad ifa childfree person was only focused on their spouse, or job, or whatever.