BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Do pals only contact you to brag about their kids?

I'm sorry iwonder, but you won't get much sympathy (or help) on the "Maried No Kids" forum.

Hi iwonder,

I don't think people here are necessarily hard on parents, mostly we're just bewildered by the obsessive style of parenting that is so prevalent today. It's obviously important to "be there" for your kids, but to "be there" to the point where you have no time at all, even to send an occasional email to an old friend?

I was fortunate enough to have very devoted parents who enjoyed spending lots time with me. However, EVEN THEY had their own interests & a social life that didn't always include my brother and me. We never went with them to fancy restaurants. I'm sure you will find this horrifiying, but my parents would even, on rare occasions, take a vacation by themselves while we stayed with our grandmother. I loved my grandmother and never resented this at all. When I was about 12, my mother decided to go back to school and get a graduate degree. I was happy for her! I'm very close to my parents, and so grateful that they were interesting people who raised us to be independent, capable individuals.

So, when I look at my friends who are obsessed with every poop their child makes, I can't help but think that this cannot be good for anyone. You know, one of my friends works at a college and told me that most of the students speak with their parents on their cellphones SEVERAL TIMES A DAY! This just freaked me out. Isn't college a time to establish independence? Is "being there" for your kids 24/7 preparing them for life or are you doing them (& yourself) a disservice?

One can only hope not. Meanwhile, don't hold your breath.

Seriously...is there any end to parents (not being satisfied with the 2 billion discussion boards available to them) crashing ours instead to pontificate at us?

If moms enjoy adult conversation, as you alledge, then they should HAVE adult conversation. That means talking about arts, letters, politics, and ideas. Not the recent 2nd grade talent show or the teething problems.

I have some friends who are parents. Their children have joined their families; they haven't made their entire lives about children (the ones who've made their lives only about their children are no longer my friends). Kids are adaptable, and these children of the "non-professional parents" (i.e., those who still have a bit of a life outside parenting) are some of the smartest and quickest around. They are smart and quick, very likely, BECAUSE they're not constantly catered to, unlike the hothouse flowers so many parents seem to tote around as accessories lately. Their parents have the adult conversations which iwonder states that so many parents want, but so few actually seem to have.

Elise
professional musical wrangler of adolescent children
friend to many childfree adults, as well as (all too few) interested, interesting, well-rounded parents

I have nothing against parents, nor the achievements of their children, but WHY do we have to listen to their constant stories of the latest gastro bug that Johnny had or the teething problems of little Kelly.

If parents are craving adult conversation, how about they keep it going when other people offer it to them? For example, I was recently on a business trip with some men from work - do you know what our dinner conversation was about? Prams. I kid you not. Prams. These are professional men and the best conversation topic they could come up with was prams and the best brand. This was followed up by some scintillating reviews of nappies and mobiles. I tried to steer the conversation in different directions, but these people would not be stopped. Apparently they thought the info would "Come in handy some day". Trust me, it won't.

I, too don't understand why parents feel the need to post on childfree boards, when there are so many parenting boards out there for their use. I know the parenting forums vastly outnumber the childfree ones.

I have a coworker who actually told me that she feels GUILTY if she buys new underwear for herself. She feels like she should buy things for her kids instead, like it takes away from what they need. She's not poor, she can certainly afford to buy herself new underwear now and then. Her kids aren't little, they're teenagers. Of course, they spend hundreds of dollars a month so her son can be in a hockey league.

It seems like these days parents give and give everything for their kids, all their time and energy, and do nothing for themselves. Women more than men, usually. I just don't think it's a good balance. Parents are people too, and their children will adapt just fine if they aren't coddled by their parents every moment of the day. I don't remember my parents being like that. My mom stayed at home with us, but there were times she and my dad got a babysitter and had an evening for themselves. They went into their bedroom and closed the door, and my brother and I were prohibited from entering their room without knocking! My parents didn't mourn when my younger brother moved out, they turned his room into a computer room, turned my room into a TV/guest room, and started enjoying traveling and retirement.

And I don't offer to babysit kids for moms because I am childfree, and have no desire to take care of children. I have lost friends to parenthood, but it is because they are unable to take a moment for themselves without the child, and I've had enough of meeting for lunch and the child dominating the time, climbing all over his mom, trying to get underneath the table, and the mom doing nothing to control him. If she could get her ex-husband to take the kid for the afternoon, and we could have some girls' time, that would be great. But she is not inclined to do that, because she would feel guilty spending time without her child. How healthy is that?

Cindy

"I do wonder if it will change any of you?"

You might want to take a peek at the other threads here. I bet you'll notice a common theme. Just sayin'

Also, I wouldn't want to receive a boast-filled letter about anyone's year, parents or childfree alike. I would find it obnoxious and irritating. If one must compose an essay on the previous year's activities, make it fun and interesting for the reader. If that's not possible, save a tree and don't write anything.

I'm pleased to say I have no idea what a pram is.

I have 2 dogs and 2 sugar gliders. They are a handful, almost like kids. Certainly NOT as difficult to care for or as expensive or time-consuming as kids. BUT - I do not go around complaining about how exhausting it is to have 4 animals. It was my choice to have them.

That's really not as harsh as it sounds, I just can't think of a better way to put it at the moment.

My sister has 1 kid and another on the way. I enjoy helping out, because she's my sister. I don't mind helping out my friends, either, if they are there for me.

The problem is when your friends have kids and drop off the face of the earth, and then they only contact you either complain or brag about their children.

Frankly, I don't care. I'm not going to put work into a friendship and get nothing back. I'm not going to go help out with someone's kid when they can't respond to an email, or return a phone call. I understand that having kids is busy. I really, really do. I've babysat since I was 11. I understand how time-consuming they are.

BUT- when there is nothing else to your friendship except your friend selfishly talking about NOTHING BUT their child, well, why would you want to be friends with that person? Why would you want to help them out?

I'm making new friends to replace my old friends. Because my friends with children put nothing into our friendship.

I chose to be childfree precisely because I didn't want to do "mommy" stuff...so why would I want to do it with other people's kids?

I realize that, particularly when people have newborns, there is a lot of work and it's hard to get away, so I don't expect to see new moms very much. But come over and help? Why? That's what I'm trying to get away from!

My other thought on this statement is... sorry new mom... you wanted a baby... you knew that it would mean you wouldn't get any sleep and would have a hard time finding time for you or time for a shower... so suck it up! You wanted this (if you didn't you would have had an abortion or given the child up for adoption)... don't come whining to me. Have a nice day.

Iwonder, I really don't think you understood the point of this topic. Women without children get tired of being taken advantage of or being taken for granted by their friends with children. And many mothers do take their childless friends for granted. My best friend has two great kids - I love them dearly. But the older they get, the less I hear from her. And when I do hear from her, it's because she wants to vent about something (often involving her kids). I wouldn't mind this except for the fact I can't do the same - when I call to vent, it's impossible to talk because of the screaming kids in the background. And I recognize that she can't just toss the kids into a room and lock the door, but it does get tiresome. And let me just reiterate that I actually like many kids - I love beyond words my nieces and nephews. It just gets lonely and tiresome dealing with friends with children.
I have to agree with many of the posters on this topic:

1. When you say "don't be so hard on mommies - maybe offer to help. I'm sure most new moms would love a helping hand or a nap" - We're not being hard on "mommies" - we're stating our own valid feelings. Chastising a group of women on a board for those who've chosen not to have kids is weird. Frankly, I've chosen not to have children because I don't want to be so exhausted every single minute of every single day. People who choose to have children shouldn't mind losing sleep - you've made a choice. I'm not saying this to be harsh - I'm saying it because it's true. And based on what you've said above, my guess is that most new "mommies" never gave much thought about how much work motherhood would be and when the baby arrives, are stunned by what they experience. I feel bad that they didn't think the choice through before they made it, but coming on a married no kids board to chastise childless women to make yourself feel better is, again, weird.

2. Which brings me to my next thought. I don't understand why women with children would be remotely interested in this board. I just don't get it. I don't go to parenting boards because what's the point? I don't have children...what valid thing could I possibly have to offer there? It's been a while since I've actively visited this board and I can't believe how many women with children post here now. I recognize that this is due to the way Bella Online is set up, but when you read a topic that involves childless women and their choice to not have children, why, if you're a woman with children, would you post here? I have to believe this is a control issue....or maybe an impulse control issue. I even think some of the "mommies" who come on here to chastise are a little selfish - it's okay for them to have a board to vent on, but it's not okay for childless women to have a board to vent on. I just don't get it.

3. Are the women with children who post here strictly to chastise the childless women jealous? Is the financial, physical, and emotional freedom causing jealousy? And if so, does chastising childless women alleviate some of that jealousy? And finally, do the women with children who chastise people on this board ever realize how inappropriate they are being? I'm sure that your day has been long and difficult dealing with children, but do you really think it's appropriate to take it out on childless women? Don't you feel at all bad for coming onto to one of the few forums for childless women's issues and attempting to derail it by taking away the safety of this forum? I would never go onto a parenting board and start offering up criticism. Why? Because it's inappropriate. I'll say this again - this is one of the few places on the planet for childless women to come and discuss the issues and challenges they face and for a woman with children to attempt to derail this through criticism and chastising is unkind, selfish, and self-centered.

Sorry to offend anyone - I'm just annoyed that a great place is being hijacked...