BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids What happens after I make the decision?

As someone who is the last set of genes in her family, I can totally relate -- you can't help but feel pressured by guilt and ideas of legacy and all that. But those are LOUSY reasons for having kids. If you're going to have kids, you should want them so much that genes and names and family drama simply do not matter. If someone's reasons for wanting to have kids are conditional (I want to have a kid only if it's biological; I want to have kids only because my sister can't; I want to have kids only because there is no one else to pass on the family name; etc), then he/she should really rethink the decision and question whether or not it is sound. If his sisters had their own kids, would your husband still want them? Or would he then feel like he was off the hook? If the reasons for having kids aren't good ones, then that's a bad sign; on such an important issue, "good enough" simply isn't good enough.



I had wanted a child, but my husband just wasn't comfortable with it. We talked; we cried; and we're still together. I wasn't persuaded into or out of anything; we just talked about our reasons for wanting/not wanting one. I couldn't force him to have one, nor would I want to; but when it comes to having or not having kids, the default position is to not have them. Perhaps if we had discussed children way at the beginning I may have reconsidered getting into the relationship -- I don't know. But all these years later, I like my life with my husband; our relationship is too important to me to dump it over some hypothetical idea of parenthood. I'm not sad or bitter or disappointed about it. I made my choice: I chose my husband.

PS -- I forgot to say, good luck, vcage. It's a lousy situation to be in. I hope all turns out well.

thank you to everyone who has responded and for your encouragement. i'm checking back everyday to see what others have to say.

My husband said something similar to me when I told him that I didn't want kids, even though he did. He said he could make a choice as to how he reacted to this news. I had offered him a divorce more than once and he had considered it, but in the end he said he decided to stay because he wanted to keep our relationship more than he wanted kids. Is he jumping-up-and- down happy with the decision? No, but to his credit, he doesn't bring it up if we're arguing about something else...he doesn't use it to make me feel guilty or anything like that.

So yes, sometimes people can stay in the marriage even if they don't agree on this issue, but it really depends on the people involved, I think.

I agree with others who have said your husband should get more hands-on experience with kids before insisting that he wants them. They are a lot of hard work, and most of the men I've observed don't seem terribly interested in the dirty, drudgery parts of it. And the fact that his sisters are ill, as sad as it is, is not a reason for him to have kids. In fact, I would argue that maybe that's a reason for him NOT to have kids. Both of his sisters are ill and can't have kids? Maybe there's something genetic going on there. What if you had a child, only to find out later that this child had the same illness as his sisters? Well...that's my two cents...

I dont think we can fault the husband for really wanting kids, when we ourselves really dont want kids. I do agree he needs to think about it more but there are people who truly truly want kids and want them strongly, just like there are people who really dont want kids. I have lots of reasons for not wanting kids but the only one that matters and the most important is I just dont want them. For that reason I dont think i can fault anyone for saying I just really want kids.

As long as they've thought it through, I'm all for people wanting kids and having kids. But society encourages us *not* to think it through. I think we'll have to go a long way before we've over-corrected in terms of countering this lack of forethought...IMO, we're at no risk of it yet!

Further, the benefit of the doubt should be placed on not having kids over having them, not because one choice is better or because one person necessarily has the better argument...but because one of the choices involves an innocent third party and the other involves only the two consenting adults making the decision.

Elise

Tough call on that one. My boyfriend mentioned having kids one time, and I said "that's a deal breaker. I don't want them, never have, assume I never will, if I change my mind you'll be the first to know though"--He is still around, but I do occasionally get afraid he'll change his mind at some point. The only thing I can say is, when two people get married it's supposed to be "til death do us part", not until "til one of us decides he wants kids do us part". Your husband, wonderful as he may be, made a vow to you knowing you didn't intend to have children. Now that he has changed his mind, to me it's actually unfair to YOU to be put in this situation, not him!!! You're sweet and open minded enough to offer him a basically guilt-free "out"--more power to you.

And, it's also not fair to say "I want kids, but I have no experience with them, so I'm probably going to expect you to do the bulk of the childcare, even though you don't want kids." When the father decides he doesn't want to do the dirty, drudgery part of childrearing, the mother almost always picks up his slack.

One of my coworkers let her husband talk her into having a baby a few years ago (even though she didn't really want kids), now they're divorced, and of course she is responsible for the bulk of the childcare. She's the one taking time off work when the child is sick, or having surgery for his ear problems, working through daycare problems. Not the (now ex) husband, who originally persuaded her to have a baby so he could have his "boy" to carry on his family name.

Cindy