BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I did a bad thing ...

I don't really drink because I don't enjoy it. The only wine I drink is riesling. I hate red wine.

We had friends over the other night, and my husband wanted red wine. I poured it for everyone except myself. By the way, these friends are our closest "couple" friends. We see them every weekend. And right away when they saw I was having water, they both started teasing "Is there a reason you can't drink? Huh? Are you pregnant? Do we have a little 'junior' coming along?"

It was really obnoxious. The girl was the most obnoxious about it. They know I don't want kids, and they know I'm not a drinker, they just wanted to amuse themselves.

So, finally, I did a bad thing. I told them that if I was pregnant, I would drink whatever I wanted because I'd be having an abortion anyway. So the girl, who is very religious (we are not,)got mad and told me that I was going to hell. Like being a jerk about teasing me about being pregnant wasn't bad enough. I told her that there is no hell, so she made fun of me for suggesting that everyone goes to heaven.

She ended up in tears because I suggested that there is no heaven. Pretty much, I know all her buttons and I pushed them. I also ended up apologizing (I am NOT an apologizer.)

I know it was very bad of me to make light of a topic like abortion, but it is true. At this point in my life, I would abort a pregnancy. I also know it was bad to intentionally push her buttons, but they KNOW this is a sensitive topic. When I apologized I even said that. She said, well you hit a chord with ME because you know I believe in heaven and hell!

I guess I was just trying to make the point to her that it's NOT COOL to tease someone about something like this, something that a person feels so strongly about. Because while I don't share her beliefs, I don't tease her about it and make fun of her about it. I think she got the message. I like her well enough, but she drives me so bonkers sometimes.

There is a chinese motto which goes something along the lines of :
"Not even the Emperor's most powerful and fleet-footed horse-mounted army can retrieve the word once spoken."

It's good that you admitted pushing her buttons, and that you confessed about the whole shebang. it's true that, if she knew about your childless-choice, she should not have been so condemnatory.
But we all do it, don't we? we're all 'guilty' of opening the yap-trap, and subsequently regretting the bull that flows...

Show her how big you can be. Send her a bunch of flowers, and suggest you bury the hatchet - but promise her that you won't ridicule her beliefs and opinions - as long as she agrees to do the same for you.....?

Good idea. I'll give her some of my home-made pumpkin butter that she loves.

That's right - let her pile on the calories!

I have a very close friend who is a new mom at 40+. We do not email very often anymore (she is in UK), and I find myself being very careful of how I word things to avoid stepping in it. She's one of those who always swore how it would be different when SHE had kids, and was critical of kid-centric moms - "if I ever act like that, smack me" - well, how do you think she's acting now? Hmm. And if I called her on it, she'd probably fall to pieces and never speak to me again.

LNG,

I do think you could have handled it better. Rather than answering an overly personal question (which it WAS!) I think it would have been more effective for you to have gone on the offensive (obviously tongue-in-cheek). Something like:

"Gee, (friend), those seem like some nice new shoes you're wearing! Did you (or your boyfriend/hubby) finally get that raise? Are you making over $50K a year now, *finally*?"

and then, hitting youself upside the head:

"Oh --- sorry! What a stupid, overly personal question!"

I think even "going there" in answering an overly personal question is a mistake. Call it the "Oprahfication" of personal discourse...everyone's expected to be soooo confessional these days. It's not polite, it's not nice! I you wanted to volunteer personal info, that's one thing, but being asked (in front of your SOs, too?) --- that's just gauche!

Elise

I also agree that I could have handled it better! :-) My temper is DEFINITELY a problem sometimes. Unfortunately, I am really, really good at finding people's buttons and even better at pushing them. I will work on it.

I like Alexandra's suggestion. Allows you to take the lead in patching things up, but also asks her to respect your opinions as you respect hers.

I dunno -- I kinda liked your response, Ingilbert. I wouldn't condone it all the time, of course. But she was way out of line for both the kid comment and the hell comment; I think she should be apologizing to you for her behavior. You treated her the way that she was treating you, which sounds like a lesson by example to me. If she can't take it, she shouldn't dish it.

Part of me wants to just jump up and down for what I said and part of me is very ashamed. I am really good at being mean, but that doesn't mean I enjoy it. (Well, sometimes I do. As in this case. I enjoyed it a little.)