BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Remaining childfree...accidents and empowerment...

Alrighty, I'm going to get into what can go on when a person and their partner have resolve to not have kids and then a little egg and sperm meet up and decide to throw a curveball.

This is us right now, I knew something was up when my last period was a couple days late 'cause I am like clockwork with the full moon. Well, I was. Did the test, yep, suspicions confirmed. It happened when I was about 20 as well but I dropped it in a couple weeks as I was very physically active (running hard) and eating not enough to support a pregnancy. So I missed a period but miscarried a few weeks later with a week of heavy bleeding.

I am now 26 and feel I have a much more enhanced body intuition and also a fair knowledge of herbal medicine. I have made the decision to self-abort with herbs and other natural methods. If this does not work, I will go in for a surgical abortion. This last resort doesn't sound like a party but I am trying to not think that it will have to happen. I could sense it very early so I have a good chance of success with herbs. Herbal treatments aren't really a rockin' good time either, I hope that my body is strong enough. So thats one side of it that I am questioning for myself, can i do it, do I have the skill, will my self-treatment be successful? This is important to me because i have basically been my own doctor for the past 10 years, being very distrustful of the institution, working things out for myself that a doctor would have thrown me on prescriptions for so fast my head would have spun.

Another thing...I am very hesitant to share this with anyone around me, the social stigma would be intense from certain individuals. Mostly the ones that have been asking when we're having kids, their minds do not have the capacity to understand a choice like this.
Truthfully I shouldn't care about other people letting judgement steal their energy, the worry only steals my own and I need it so much now.
I don't have much family, mother and father live across the country and although I want to share my big deal in my life so badly with a Mom, I can't, she's not a mother that I can discuss anything remotely heavy with; the weather and shopping for deals are about all she can handle in conversation. Instead I told a lady I work with that is quite wise and she was so supportive, I am glad I told her.

My husband has been wonderful, very supportive, can't say that its been all candy and milkshakes, we have had fights, I've been moody and this is new ground for him too. We are taking it day by day, thats all, it definetely puts a kink in things though. We have been having unprotected sex for about 4 years, just me using the knowledge of my cycle but goes to show ya accidents happen.
I am not keen on putting hormones or chemicals in my body so birth control is out as an option, any of those things just aren't for me. Condoms suck, what else, i don't know, I like the idea of using my own body but I guess we slipped up.
Did I think this would never happen? That I'd never get pregnant? It is a natural process, not an abnormal disease. It is this that I reminded myself when I just broke down and cried after I found out and it actually sunk in. Visualizing myself on the chopping table, uughhh, my mind is so jumpy, i think like 8 steps ahead. Then I just said to myself though, you gotta give this your best shot, use subtler methods. The mind-body connection is strong, the power of visualization (of the embryo releasing and my uterus emptying itself) and pure prayer are other tactics. I have told the spirit of it to leave me and have had some reinforcing and encouraging dreams.

So right now I have been on it for 3 days and my period is only 1 week late today so I am thinking positive...if I don't I'm done for. Keeping attentive is key, I need to maintain a steady regimen of treatment, not too big of a deal but I feel like garbage...ahhh, I feel pregnant.

I think this is just another growing experience though, possibly to set me on a certain path. I have always been interested in women's empowerment and like to read about ways that women have handled issues like unwanted pregnancy in the past. There has definetely been a history of self-aborting practices, some more gentle using plants, others downright gruesome. This is what happens to all species, we all have the ability (and strong push from nature I believe) to procreate. But we as humans singularly have the gift of a conscious mind and thats what is so interesting to explore, in lots of areas of our lives.

If anyone else has any stories about not wanting kids but getting pregnant by accident I'd love it if you shared. I am really hanging by on a thread in the support department.
On an end note, my advice to anyone if a similar situation should fall their way is to stay positive. Expect the best. For me that is massive uterine cramps and the cleansing feeling of a bleed. I imagine how wonderful that bright blood will be when it does come and I have taken responsibility for all this.
Thanks for reading and see you all around. Sarah

Sorry to hear this. This is a situation I've avoided like the plague. I wish you luck in self-aborting, but I used to work as an abortion counselor at Planned Parenthood and saw a patient who tried this and wasn't successful.

Although I've never been wildly excited about putting hormones in my body, I did for 19 years to avoid ever being confronted with this. I considered the copper IUD, which isn't hormone-based, but we've happily settled on sterilization. Because of my previous occupation, I'd never rely on the rhythm method only, but that's your choice.

I feel for you. I was in this situation last fall. My husband and I have been married for 9 years, we had been on the fence for the whole time that we have been married, actually I was the one on the fence, he had always said that he would be fine without ever having kids, I was the one who was not sure. I hemed and hawed about the issue of weather or not to have kids for years. It was miserable! We love to travel we love our free life, nothing holding us down. But the outside pressures kept getting to me. Not really pressure from my family or his, but just the general public, everyday people that you meet or the media, I always remember things like "You would be such a good mother" or "If you love your dog the way that you say you do, than the love for a child is a million times stronger" So naturally I thought that Gosh, if that's true than it MUST be great to have a child. Or Would I regret it someday if we did not produce a baby, something out of love for each other? I never have the feeling of "who is going to take care of us when were old" I know that is rediculous, and that does not concern me and I know that is no reason for having kids. I don't know, I have never had a strong maternal instinct, but I just thought that if everyone Is having kids there must be something that I would miss by not having them? My husband said that if having kids would make me happy and that is something that I want he would go along with it too. I knew that In the back of my mind that he really did not want kids and the responsibility of them, but I just thought that we would end up OK in the end. You know once you have them you HAVE to be OK, you can't take them back. So I thought we would adapt and be ok too. I am 31 and My husband is 38 so I was putting pressure on myself, saying that we have been married for 9 years, we've traveled the world and maybe this is a good time to start if we are ever going too. Not listening to my deepest inner thoughts that we really were never excited to start a family It's just somethinfg that we SHOULD do, almaost for everyone else in my family, not for ourselves. Even though we have no pressure from my mom which is like my best friend, I KNEW that she would be thrilled if I had a baby, and everyone else in the family would be too. I had it in ny head that "Everyone is going to be so happy and excited for me and my hubby!" Not thinking "How am I going to feel" It's like I was so excited for everyone else but not thinking about me and my husband. Anyway last fall we tried to get pregnant, the first month it did not happen, when I got my period, I was sooo relieved, so was he. The next month we tried again, not realizing that there were MAJOR red flags that were going off in my mind. I mean if I had thought about it, about how stressed out that I was hoping for a period, we would have never tried again. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME TO TRY AGAIN? I know that you have to face head on what mistakes that you make and try to analize them and come to peace with it and just take it as a learning experience. So the nest month we tried, BOOM I was pregnant! When the reality hit me that I was going to have a baby and this is real I freaked out!!!! I cried for 5 weeks. I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks(as soon as I missed my period) and for the next 5 weeks I was so stressed out I couldn't stand It! I am NOT a depressed person, and I can honestly say "I know what It feels like to be in a deep depression" I gave it very very deep thought about what to do?
I tried so hard to be HAPPY, to accept this, to accept what I had TRIED for. I went to a counselor I talked to my mom in detail about what should I do, I talked to my girlfriend, I talked to my husband, I gave it soooo much thought, and in the end I had an abortion at 9 weeks. It was the hardest thing that I have had to do in my whole life. I am not anti-abortion, so that was not the part that was killing me, it;s just the fact that I purposfully put myself in this situation and I ended up wanting to "take it all Back!" My family was sooo suportive and that helps alot, but end the end I was the one who has to deal with what happened and It has been 4 months since the abortion and It's something that I think about everyday. I just mainly think "I wish I had listened to MY inner thoughts about children not anyone elses!!!" Maybe I would not have gotten myself in this situation? I found about this website just a couple of weeks ago, trying to find people that did not want kids, I wish I havd fould this website before I tried to get pregnant, maybe I would have found the support here, but I cannot think in the past, I have to go on and look at the future. In the end I am happy now, and I know that we are NOT having kids, and it took all of that pain and grief for me to get to this dicision.

I have read a lot of posts, and I was reluctant to give my story, b/c I don't want to be judged for the mistakes or learning experience that I have gone through, so I can just hope that this helps someone else that might have a similar life experience.

The hardest part for me was, asking myself "why did I have to get pregnant, for me to find out that this is something that I did NOT want? Why couldn't I have just KNOWN that this is something that I was not going to want? I guess you can NEVER know how you are going to FEEL until you are actually faced with the situation.

I'm so sorry for the long post, but I think It all had to be said.

Hi Grell,

I hope your hubby will consider getting a vasectomy. It is far, far simpler and less invasive than the surgery for a woman to get sterilized; the recovery time is generally one weekend. My husband got "the snip" and has served as sort of a "vas mentor" for other guys at work (they all had kids first, and he didn't --- thank goodness --- but that's another story. It was more about his just calming them down and telling them not to believe the hype that it's about "getting your b#$%s chopped", as so many have heard. It's about getting a tube severed, and is probably the smallest surgical procedure that exists!). There is absolutely no negative effect on sexual function or enjoyment.

If you and your hubby are serious about remaining childfree, I urge the two of you to consider it. It is, by far, the shortest distance between two points on this issue.

Meanwhile, I wish you the best of luck in resolving your current situation. It sounds very difficult. Thank you for telling your story.

Cheers

Elise

Oh, Grell, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Best of luck with your treatment... and I think that the vasectomy and the copper IUD suggestions are both good ones.

Hi Sarah,
I want to second Elise's statements below. I had a vasectomy almost 5 months ago and am very happy I did it. There has been ZERO effect on the lovemaking my girlfriend and I enjoy. She is very happy not to be putting hormones into her body any more since she was able to go off the pill 5 weeks after I got snipped. I'd be happy to provide more details/reassurance for you and your husband. You are welcome to e-mail me at mbe6614250@aol.com.
Mike

Sarah... once this crisis is dealt with, you might also want to look into Essure. If your hubby is not willing to have a vasectomy, Essure is a sterilization procedure for women which has a similar recovery time and success rate as a vasectomy, and does not require an incision.
I totally understand why anyone might not want to take the pill and the hormones involved, and I agree that condoms are not an ideal solution. Permanent sterilization for one of you will take all the worry and risk out of lovemaking for you.
I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to resolve your situation quickly.

Thank you thank you thank you everyone for the thoughts and advice.
And to you mootencat, many thanks for sharing your story.
I do think that a vasectomy will be our option, Brian is fine with it, the only drawback is it possibly not being done on people our age? I have heard that it won't be performed on someone under 30 here in BC but I don't know how accurate that information is. I am actually going to look into it today.

Right now I have my herbal treatments going, I feel confident with plant-based medicine but this is new ground. I am just feeling it out, starting with more subtle herbs and have plans for more intense combinations. I've had some changing feelings in my body, don't know if its the herbs or just the feeling of being pregnant. I have intention to bleed for the new moon, this coming Saturday. If not I may give it another couple days after that and thats all. I have been working a lot too and that doesn't help, don't really have an option but I've been good with making my regimen my #1 priority. The idea of surgical abortion is scaring me less and less though and hearing others who have made it through is so helpful. I know that in a couple weeks I will be ready if my methods don't come through.
Another reason we want to take permanent action after this situation is cleared is because i will be scared as all get up to make love to my husband for fear of this happening again. Probably the same for him too as he has told me the reason this is hard on him is because he sees how its affecting me. We used the cycle method for so long but this one slip up will bring some a major change. So we must be resolute. Thanks for the replies about sterilization, I am so focused on my immediate treatment and situation now but we also need to plan for the future.
Appreciate all the support, I'll post up again and if anything breaks. Sarah

Best of luck to you- I definitely see where you're coming from with the fear, so I'm glad to hear your husband will consider getting snipped. Hopefully you guys don't have trouble with the health system.