BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Abusers psychology

Not only does it make it easy and justified, but also mandatory. Sad, but true. As women fight for equality and their rights, power is lost by the controlling faction-in this case, men. This is viewed as a bad thing by anyone that controls by keeping another down.

my abuser turned 68yrs old and asked GOD for forgiveness, he feels forgiven for all that he has done, the beatings, lying, cheating,verbal abuse, i think he changed because he lost his prostate to cancer, that took care of his cheating,he can feel forgiven, but ill be a victim for ever;0(

Does he think that his cancer was the punishment?

has he asked YOU for forgiveness?

Because you know, whether he does or doesn't, the choice of whether you carry on 'being a victim for ever' is yours, not his. Only you can be mistress of your destiny. Only you can decide whether you are going to carry this for the rest of your life. And by what you say, you've made the choice to do just that.
Don't get angry, Sky....I once was faced with exactly the same siuation. Only, for my part, I made a decision to stop being a 'victim' and refused to carry that baggage for ONE MORE DAY.

Being a victim becomes a mindset and remains long after the actual abuse ends, making you a victim of your own doing. You must make up your mind to no longer be a victim, ending his control over you. Under lying the evil is good. In this case, a lesson leading to your freedom. The things he did are terrible, but they are over. Do not give them the power to affect your future. Take what good you can find and bury the rest forever. This means you need to work through the damage he has done(not an easy task). You control only one person's thoughts, beliefs, behavior, etc., and that is your own. He has cost you enough. Don't give him the rest of your life. YOU are worth so much more than that!!!!

I second what nadaurz. I had a friend tell me before when I was dwelling on things that happened to me that he did it in the past, he is gone, you don't have to worry about him hurting you anymore, so move on and heal already. While this is another statement that is more easy said then done, it is true.

How does one truely heal???. I find that it is difficult alone.
I thinks sometimes we were brought up to accept abuse as it seems to come very far back in our habits of accepting abuse. My father usee to call my mother stupid and no one said anything ,so accepting abuse name calling was part my accepting pattern.
It took me years to even address that my father abused me as such ,names ,especially stupid, women are dumb and sometimes touching my breasts when I was growing up, he said he was allowed as he was my father . Finally years later I see that eveyone has been abused, men and women and we all have to learn to love and respect first of all oursel individually and that gegins with tking care of ourself physically, resting, eating well,laughing with othere women, men, being real with each other. We are abused in many more ways than we know....It is time for us to heal together, cry, laugh, not blame, build our confidence and our spirit which has been deflated , let it live once moreand be happy, and whole again.
Wishing you all to heal as a community ...as a planet.
Flamenca

You begin to heal when you realize despite his best efforts you survived. Not only did you survive, but also beat him at his own game. We are stronger for having gone through it. At this point, I believe, we must take time alone to heal. We must accept and own the part we played in our own abuse. The abuser is a sick, broken person. We can do nothing about that. But what about us, the victim? What within us allowed us to accept such treatment? What allowed us to believe for even one minute we might have deserved it? If you were on the outside watching this happen to a daughter, a sister, a best friend it would never be acceptable. Each of us has to care enough about ourselves, believe in our value, to fight for ourself as hard as we would for a loved one. We need to become one with ourself, accepting our mistakes and flaws so we can move beyond. I have realized by spending time alone that I am good company. You must be a friend to yourself first. Being alone doesn't necessarily mean lonely and vice versa. I have never been as lonely as I was while in an abusive relationship, despite having a man who "loved" me and many friends around. Once I realized I needed to put me first and to settle for nothing less true inner healing began and with it I became a better friend, mother, lover, basically all-around person. As has been said over and over, this is not easy, but it is well worth it in the end. Not to discourage you, but this is an on-going, never ending process but it gets easier with time.

We all have a sense of justice in us. To get justice is most important to all of us. A murderer is never forgiven, nor is a rapist. Every crime carries punishment.

That is why when somebody gets away by abusing us we feel cheated. We want justice. Nothing else than the justice will heal. Rest all is talk by people who have not been badly abused.