BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Can't See The Step Grandkids

Hi, I'm new here, and scanned the posts to see if my problem was addressed. My situation is husband's daughter, age 25, has 3 kids, and her twins are having a first birthday in a few weeks. She is telling us (via email) that I am not welcome there and never will be, and that she never wants me to ever see her children because I am a psycho.
So, here is a summary of what led up to this. Husband decided he wanted a divorce this past October. Moved out, then back about 8 times, came home to stay on Dec. 31 (our 3rd anniversary). But during our separation he painted a bad light of me to his 2 grown daughters and others in his family. When he said he was leaving me, I kicked a door, and threw some things, so that's why she thinks I am a 'psycho'. I normally am very even tempered, I have very good self control and am not overly emotional.
Prior to our marriage troubles, I did get along fairly well with this daughter. His other one was openly hostile to me, and we had arguments because I didn't feel he handled it well, all the usual of the husband who lets his daughter run rampant and treat him and me with disrespect.
Right now, he thinks the solution is to give the older daughter, the one with kids, the silent treatment. I disagree, I feel he needs to tackle the problem head on, tell her he loves me, that his criticism of me was unwarranted and I am a good person.
Any comments from others on this? I plan to ask if he will go to a couples counselor with me. It hurt to see what his daughter, R, said in her emails, things he had said about me. It triggered the pain I went through during our separation.
I think we have to accept, for now, that we will not be a part of the grandkids' lives, and that's sad. He said he won't go to the birthday party if I'm not invited.
I know R is being manipulative, and she has her children to use as a weapon. I printed out the essay about manipulative adult stepkids, and will show it to husband. I also ordered the book that was mentioned about Angry Stepchildren, will read it over with husband when it arrives.
The BM (her Mom) is not a factor in this. They were divorced for years when I came along and she is re-married. Before the separation we got along fine, but now she says I am not welcome in her home either, and that's where the birthday party will be.
Thanks in advance for any advice, and thanks for listening to my story. We just got the nasty email yesterday and I have been stewing over it, trying to 'problem solve' with my husband, but it's difficult. He tends to get sullen over this subject, doesn't like to talk about it. He did apologize to me though, said he created this mess. Serwfotog

From what you say it sounds as though your husband involved his children and ex-wife in your personal problems and shouldn't have. When a couple has problems dragging your familiy into them and bad mouthing the other usually comes back to haunt them in the end because people have difficulty forgetting and they only know one side of the story. I think your husband needs to correct this situation by telling his children he shouldn't have involved them in your personal problems to begin with and that he was angry and your nothing like the person he portrayed you to be. In moments of anger we all tend to say and do things we don't mean which does not justify doing it but we have to be mature and stand up and admit we made a mistake. You said he wasn't going to the grandkids birthday party if you couldn't go, well that sounds like the easy way out by just avoiding there is a problem. He needs to address this, one because he created the problem and because this is time he nor you will ever be able to get back with his children or grandchildren. Being a step parent is one of the hardest positions to be in and I think that counseling is a good idea that is if your husband agrees to it. Keep us updated.

Thanks for the advice. I'm not sure that I can change my husband's mind on talking to R though, he is very stubborn on some things, and this is one of them. He wants her to take some time and think. I half agree, after a few days of calming down I am realizing just how ridiculous she is being. She's trying to dictate who is an acceptable mate for her Dad, and there could be many more worse women than me! I am frugal, yet generous, kind and thoughtful, I have done a lot for his 2 girls, yet not expected much from them.
I made a mistake in my post - this is the book I ordered -
Step Wars: Overcoming the Perils and Making Peace in Adult
Stepfamilies. I have read this one - Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward, PhD, and will re-visit it now in light of this latest behavior. My problem is the things she wrote to us in her email just bounce around in my head, and I so want to address them myself. I told husband last night this, I want to defend myself and the accusations she made about me, but feel I am forced into silence here. I have to let him deal with it.
My 2 grown kids live far away while his are pretty close to us, a half hour drive. My 2 were raised differently and have treated him with nothing but respect and love. It's so sad, why do people want to create conflicts in life? I really do not understand it, what they gain from trying to make another person miserable.
Thanks again to all who are listening to me. I am happy to have found this site. ~serwfotog

Did you read Paula's brand-new post about this? It's really on the mark; she understands the problem. I would also recommend the best blended-family book I've seen, called "Happily Remarried" by Dr. David and Lisa Frisbie. Sorry about the title: don't let the book's title turn you away. It's really not about "Happy" --- it is true-life stories about how to deal with the challenges of trying to blend a family, including grandparents, relatives of ex's, etc.

I WOULD TALK TO MY HUSBAND..I THINK THAT IT IS RIGHT THAT HE STANDS BY YOU AND NOTT ATTEND AS IT WOULD BE A DISRESPECT TO YOU BUT I THINK THTA HE NEEDS TO ALSO OPENLY COMMENT THAT YOU AND HIM WENT THROUGH A HARD TIME AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE SAY THINGS THAT THEY DO NOT MEAN AND HE WAS WRONG IN DISCUSSING THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM AND OBVIOUSLY EVERYTHING IS WORKED OUT SO IT SHOULD NOT BE USED. IT SHOULD BE POINTED OUT THAT EVERYONE PROBABLY HAS A MOMENT IN THIER LIFE OF BAD BEHAVIOUR AND SHOULD NOT BE CONDEMMENED FOR IT BUT FORGIVEN.

I think your problem is your husband. Sounds like things were ok until he decided he wanted a divorce. For your marriage to ever work, he has some relationship mending to tend to. It's to late for the birthday party, but I think he needs to hop to it.

Hi all, I hadn't been here for a while and see I had a couple of new replies to my problem. Thanks for the feedback. Hubbie did finally call his daughter, R, about a week ago and said to her: We are a package deal, if you want to see me you see us both. She repeated her charges against me, G just said 'that's not true' and she said, 'Well you are one to tell me what's right or wrong!' and hung up on him. She is really angry with him for his bad behavior, but I am a handy scapegoat. Meanwhile, we have decided we want to move to a new area for a fresh start. We fly to Texas May 11 and he will have a job interview there. This is a huge change for me, as I never thought I'd leave the east coast, but we're both excited about it, and I will be closer to where my daughter lives, in Baja Mexico.

Where would I find Paula's post ??