BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Do you tell friends you dont want kids?

I am always nervous about letting people and particularly new friends now that I dont really want kids. Its kind of hard for me to meet new people and most of my close friends live far away where I went to college. My best friend who lives 9 hrs away knows I probably dont want kids, she does want kids but is fine with me not wanting them. My husband says I just shouldnt say anything either way and that no one cares if we have kids anyway. I have this feeling we will be rejected though, I know I shouldnt want to be friends wiht someone who cares that I dont want kids, but I still worry about it. The thing is worrying about I might tend to bring it up and say Im not sure about kids, or they bring kids up, or something. What should I do? Just not let anyone know or say something? I would like some friends who like me dont want kids, but I dont mind friends with kids or who want kids at all (I love other peoples kids) as long as they dont question my choice. Am I nuts. What should I do?

I think it is best to be honest about your feelings. If you do not want kids, and you meet a new friend and the subject comes up, than you can say "We don't want kids", and that's that. I have done that several times and it's kind of a rush to tell a new person and see what there reaction is. I have gotten great reactions. It opens up the conversation for them, B/c it seems like in every circle of people someone knows someone else that does not want kids. I was at a Tea party 2 months ago, 14 women, I was the only one who did not have kids, Everyone else has 1 or 2 children or they wanted to start to try to get pregnant. I am very secure in my feelings and a girl came up to me we started a conversation and of course the first question was "do you have kids?" I held my head up high and said No, I had no idea what kind of reaction I would get, but I didn't care and I was ready to defend my position. She smiled and chimed right in and started talking about a couple in her family that did not want kids, how they liked to travel and just have a free lifestyle. She actually said that every Christmas this couple sends out a Christmas card that Starts from the month of Jan and goes through every month to the end of the year detailing all of their fabulous vacations, she said she lives vicariously through them b/c they can't do that b/c of the kids and their lifestyle. She looks forward to that Christmas card every year. She had a great reaction to me. I have found that you just need to be honest and confident about your convictions in life and stand by them and not to be afraid of what someone has to say.

I don't say anything unless someone asks. It's too uncomfortable otherwise. I just get the most awful reactions, like I have some kind of disease. People just can't understand. It seems like the only way to get people to stop talking to me about it is to make some awful remark or get really, really mad. Otherwise, they will go on and on about it. One of my best friends has 2 kids and at our last girls night (we always have to go to her house because of the kids, by the way) she kept trying to tell me that I NEED to have kids. I ended up crying. That's not what girls' night is about!

My MIL really used to get on this subject and talk about nothing else. She'd throw in little comments all the time, like "that's what you can do when YOU have kids!" I finally shut her up one night. She was making her comments as usual and I just said, "If I ever had the misfortune of getting pregnant, I would end that as soon as possible."

She shut up. I felt bad about it, but I felt worse with her constant nagging (and this was when I was 23 - I wasn't even done with grad school yet.)

She hasn't said a word to me since. We were at her niece's baby shower and the other aunts started asking me about when I was going to start thinking of having a baby, and MIL said "We do NOT TALK ABOUT THIS!" and everyone laughed. So, at least she has learned her lesson. I'm sorry it was the hard way.

lngilbert,

Great to have you posting here!

No advice about your MIL...but for friends, acquaintances, etc., I always feel that the best defense is a good offense. If they keep asking about your status re: childrearing, start asking them questions like "What was your gross salary last year?", or even better, "What's your favority sexual position?". They'll turn beet red and say "Why, that's a very personal question".

To which you might respond "Exactly. I see you don't much like answering those types of questions, either".

Elise

I've been lucky enough so far not to have people asking me directly. If the topic comes up, I mention it offhandedly and continue with the conversation. Usually I ask something about the other person- nearly everyone's favorite topic is themselves, so it changes the subject pretty effectively. Only with people I am very close to will I allow the point to be explored more deeply than that.

Hi Elise,
Good comebacks. My favorite comeback is to ask kid crazy busy bodies "would like my girlfriend and I to be in the same room when you and your spouse are discussing birth control?"

Most of my friends, family and acquaintances that know of our childfree choice are respectful. I expect some critical commentary from my oldest brother when he finds out that I made the childfree choice permanent by undergoing a vasectomy. Since he and his family live far away, it's not something he can bug me about very often. We see each other very two years on average.

Mike

Hi Elise,
Good comebacks. My favorite comeback is to ask kid crazy busy bodies "would like my girlfriend and I to be in the same room when you and your spouse are discussing birth control?"

Most of my friends, family and acquaintances that know of our childfree choice are respectful. I expect some critical commentary from my oldest brother when he finds out that I made the childfree choice permanent by undergoing a vasectomy. Since he and his family live far away, it's not something he can bug me about very often. We see each other very two years on average.

Mike

Hi Elise,
Good comebacks. My favorite comeback is to ask kid crazy busy bodies "would like my girlfriend and I to be in the same room when you and your spouse are discussing birth control?"

Most of my friends, family and acquaintances that know of our childfree choice are respectful. I expect some critical commentary from my oldest brother when he finds out that I made the childfree choice permanent by undergoing a vasectomy. Since he and his family live far away, it's not something he can bug me about very often. We see each other very two years on average.

Mike

Depends on the situation.

If I'm talking to my true, real friends, then sure, we'll talk about it. I would never judge them for having or wanting kids; why would they judge me for not? If they do, they're pretty lousy friends. My best friend and I don't agree on everything; so what? That doesn't mean we can't be our honest selves with each other.

Really think about it: would your friend pester you into changing religions? political affiliations? sexual orientation? owning a pet? moving? changing careers? liking a food you hate? Of course not. Think about the usual garbage that people say to the CF and consider acceptable behavoir.

Now reverse it: Would you ever pester and prod your friend over his/her decision to have kids? Would you keep telling them how much better their lives would be without them? Would you tell them that they may not want an abortion or sterilization NOW but SOMEDAY they will and that they will regret not having had one for the rest of their lives? That maybe when they're more mature they'll change their mind? That other people's kids might be great, but it will be different when it's their own? That they haven't truly lived unless they haven't had kids? That their lives are meaningless because they have kids? That they're never going to know what it truly means to be an adult if they have kids? That they'll never know love if they have kids? That they're being selfish for having kids? That they shouldn't have kids cuz they're parents don't want grandchildren? That they're marriage is meaningless with kids? That there must be something wrong with them? That they're going to die pathetic and alone? Of course you wouldn't. Cuz that would make you a lousy friend (and perhaps a lousy person). So why is it okay that someone treat you with that kind of disrespect? Aren't your feelings just as valid? Don't you deserve as much consideration as you give to them?

When it comes to meeting new people that I think I could make real friends with, I'm honest about it. If we can disagree but have a conversation about it anyway, then great. If we can't, then we can be acquaintances perhaps, but why would I want to devote myself to a relationship in which I'm not respected for all of me or in which I have to hide part of me or pretend that part of me doesn't exist?

If I'm in a work-related place/function, I minimize conversation about everything personal. I don't choose my co-workers; I'm stuck with them. So I act accordingly in order to minimize annoyances from people whom I have no choice but to see 50 hours/week. If asked, I'll answer politely and move on.

If I'm in a place where I won't ever meet these people again, then I either a. avoid the subject altogether because I don't want to be bothered or b. speak bluntly cuz what the hell.

I'm always honest when people ask, but I don't force the issue into a conversation. I usually enjoy when it comes up though, as someone's reaction tells me a lot about whether or not I even want them as a friend.

What's funny is I recently thought about asking this question to a couple we're getting to know. I didn't want to be invasive, so I didn't.