BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Dilemma: Perfect marriage, sexually incompatible

Craig,
There may be reasons for yur wife's behavior. Sexuality and pleasure are an important part of marriage. Here are some suggestions that have worked in the counseling I give.

Has she been to see a doctor for any physical problems? Have this done along with a complete hormonal check.

Is there anything in her past that may make her unresponsive? Bluntly said, was she sexually abused?

Is she depressed, on any meds.?

Are there any strict religious beliefs that might prohibit her from enjoying sex or seeing sex as "bad?"

You need to spek to her honestly.

Yes, there are several reasons for my wife's mood.

#1 She and I have both been suffering from Depression.
#2 She was sexually touched inappropriately, not abused, at one point at least in her youth.
#3 We have been have been under financial stress for years.
#4 She has gone through menopause in the last several years.
#5 A few years ago her father was discovered to have sexually fondled our middle daughter. He has since passed away.

I am well aware that for these and other reasons that I may not aware of She has been almost celibate for the past four or more years. For these reasons I have been patient and undemanding as I can possibly be for her. Still, this awareness does not solve the basic problem of an almost total lack of affection, not just sex, from her. I know we will never be as romantic or active as when we were dating or in the first two years of marriage. However, I still want to be close to her and remain faithful as I promised to be in my wedding vows. However, without a fundamental change in the affection and sexuality between us I believe that my sex life has come to an end.

I realize that I am venting my frustrations, but I don't know how to keep my frustrations to myself after years of denial. Thanks for your reply. Any other advice is gladly appreciated.

Yes, I would have to say my wife has a Very low sex drive. One of the things I find amazing is, to the best of my knowledge, she has No sexual or romantic fantasies. I have asked her before in hopes of using her fantasies as a way of arousing and pleasing her. Even when I asked her years ago she never confided any romantic ideas or fantasies to me.

She does enjoy sex when she is in the midst of it. However, she has no desire to start it, never has. Over the past several years she has seemed prefectly content to do without. However, that means I have to do without too. As I have said we have only had sex two or three times since 2004, to the best of my recollection. The few times we have had sex she has done it more out of a reluctant duty to fill my needs than to enjoy herself. During the times we had sex before this long gap I put all my effort into pleasing her. Unfortunately for me after pleasing her she became tired and rolled over to sleep leaving me wondering what to do next.

I know I sound like I am whining, but it is so difficult to go so long trying to be patient and understanding while denying myself. Well, I guess at 48 I should be expecting my sex life to slow down to an eventual halt. Maybe it is time I accept the reality of life and move on.

I'd like to answer, but things are getting personal.

Suffice to say that - In my experience - and to put it VERY bluntly - your marriage stopped going anywhere...It's defunct.
When the sex is great, it's 5% of the relationship. When it ISN'T great - it's 95% of the relationship....

I gave up on a 23 year relationship that was celibate virtually all the way through. I was given to understand that celibacy in a relationship is sex less than twice a month. In 23 years, we got it together maybe 12 times.
I thought (due to a stringent Catholic upbringing, some negative sexual experiences and other hang-ups) that the "fault" lay with me.I thought I was the dysfunctonal, damaged, frigid one.
We're divorced.
I met someone new, and life between the sheets is brilliant, exhilarating and fulfilling.
It wasn't me.
There was simply no sexual attraction or spark there. Basically, in a nut-shell, he didn't do anything for me, or turn me on, in any way, much as he might have tried. The times we did have sex, it was just to fulfil a carnal desire, and get it over with.... .

He's gone his way, I've gone mine.
And now, we're both happy.

I would strongly suggest you consider doing the same.
This isn't fixable.

Alexandra, I appreciate your comments. However, I do not seek divorce. I wish to repair our lives together.

I see the "I" but not the "We"....

Does she fully acknowledge there is a problem?

Does she fully ackowledge there may be issues concerning her past which might be acting as a hurdle or block?

Is she fully, openly committedly in agreement, on seeing somebody professionally to help her see through this issue?

Does she assure you that she wants to do all of the above?
Is she, in fact, as committed as you are, to 'repairing your lives together'?

If the answer is 'no', to any of them, then I'm afraid it's going nowhere.
A relationship is an equal commitment on both sides to perceive, acknowledge and understand the issues, problems or conditions which manifest.

It's like hammering a foot into the ground and then going for a walk. You go round in a circle, because one wants to make progress, the other is determined to stay put.

Unless there is equal commitment on both sides, it's not going to work.

Harsh, blunt, to-the-point. But true.

Craig58
My wife is unwilling for sex too and seen that most of my colleagues have same problem. One of my colleagues hadn�t sex with his wife for a year then they divorced, just because his wife dislikes having sex with him. Now he lives with more beautiful, younger and sexier woman but most of the times has dreamed about EX! !

I guess you can find something helpful in conciliation and books about.
I less know about you even your age but have you tried following items?
- use good perfume.
- Try to improve your body shape, well dressed, shaved and hairstyle.
- come home with flowers. Do you know what flowers your wife more like?
- When come home kiss her cheek slightly.
- Pay respect to your wife stories and encourage her to talk to you about her work, family and neighbors.
- Go out and have fun. Let be happy.

perhaps you tried all of them or maybe I was wrong, just tell my idea.

Craig-first an apology for my typos-I'm not usually so careless!!

Secondly, you both need some type of counseling, separately and together. There are many good marriage therapists and sex therapists in the field of counseling. You need both.

An episode of sexual abuse, (there are no small episodes, every one is wrong and hurtful), can haunt us for the rest of our lives if we don't seek help. Please have her get the help she needs. She may be suffering from depression because of what has happened.

Menopause does not cause lack of desire in a woman who has had a strong sexual desire for most of her life. A drop in hormones can be adjusted. Be frank and open with your doctor.

Financial strains are also a difficult thing in a marriage. Do you have children? Can the financial aspect be resolved at a given point?

You don't want to give up and for that I commend you, but you are living a half life without the intimacy you need. Please read the article in Marriage that was put up today. I give a lot of advice in it.

Kristen,

I have three daughters. The oldest is in her first year of college. She was the valedictorian of her graduating class last. Unfortunately, for her and us she has a full scholarship to college. We are very proud of her. My middle daughter is a junior in high school. She is the one who was molested by her maternal grandfather. She is a very smart and caring individual. She has spent the last four summers as a camp counselor caring for disabled and special needs children. She will return to do it again this summer. She loves those children even though it is very hard work caring for them. Because of her work at the camp alone she has over 450 hours of community service. She makes me so proud with all she does. My youngest daughter is 14 and a special needs child. She is developmentally delayed. She can be a handful to care for at times. She is very cute, playful and reasonably smart given her special needs.

My wife is mildly open to the idea of getting counseling together. Unfortunately, we can not afford counseling. I am off my depression medication only because i have no heatlh insurance to get my prescription refilled. I am not sure if my wife is constitantly on her medication. She has gotten some individual counseling in the past, but not on this issue.

My depression was so bad early this fall, due to intensive job stress, that with my wife's support I admitted myself to the hospital for three days of psychiatric evaluation and support. I needed the time away there, but I hated being there during my 20th wedding anniversary.

thank you Kristen for your help and advice.

Craig,
You have quite a lot on your plate. There is help for you.

There are places to go for counseling that do not charge or have a sliding scale. Many therapists do a good share of pro bono work and charge nothing.

There is also a health plan for people who cannot afford medication. It is sponsored by Montel Williams.

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