BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Sex Problem Please Help

Hi
I really need some help or I may lose my husband ...
this is really long so bear with me

I am 22 and have been married to my Navy husband (ABE,21)for 2 years, we have been together for four.
I just had a baby 6/10/06, Isaac.

Ever since we started trying to get pregnant our sex life has gone downhill.(about two years)
Abe and I both decided we wanted to start having kids early and about a month after we got married started trying.
Of course because we were trying we didnt get pregnant until we finally gave up.
anyway
I cant get turned on any more, I am dry and frustrated, if I want to get turned on and enjoy sex I have to use a vibrater and lube. That would be ok if my husband didnt have low self esteem about me using them.
All the sex books and porn have not cured our problem, because I just feel weird when porn is on. We have tried all the positions and foreplay possible with two bodies.
I turn my husband on a lot and he tells me all the right things and I am so in love with him.

On top of my problem my husband has the opposite problem,
he has a high sex drive. If we have successful sex he WANTS MORE.
It turns him on so much more when I do orgasm that right after we are done he wants to go again. AND he actually is like building up so much sperm when he urinates he comes sometimes. He has seen a bunch of doctors about it and they say it is fine and he just has to relieve it so it doesnt build up too much.
Meanwhile the days I cant orgasm sometimes he cant orgasm because it is stressful trying to make someone turned on when they just cant...so he has to get himself off so he doesnt hurt when he urinates.

the other day he said if things dont get better he doesnt know if our marriage is going to work out.
I am a good wife and mother and he tells me this all the time, and he loves me so much, and I him too, but this is so stressful it is killing our marriage. Also, he wants things the way "they used to be" ...before the baby I always had an awesome unending sex drive, and I loved maiking love to him all the time, and he turned me on without doing anything.
I have gone so far as to stop breastfeeding my son earlier than I planned and wanted because I have heard that the hormones from breastfeeding can cause dryness. I also am getting back on Birth control in hopes that my hormones will become more regulated and I will feel normal.
I workout often and eat right, I have been losing weight steadily and safely. I have no other health issues.
I dont know what else to do and my husband is not happy
he doesnt like to get himself off but he has to
and he feels bad about it.
I think he wants out
Please help me

Your husband needs psychological help. I think it's a sex addiction. You are suffering - in every way possible - as a result of the pressure being put upon you.
It's not you, it's him.
You both need professional counselling. And quickly.

Dear friend, I'm not a qualified medical or psychological expert, but I wanted to reply so you didn't feel so alone. It seems to me a big cause of your situation is how (understandably) stressed out you and your husband are. Stress can completely demolish a person's sex drive. It can even change your brain chemistry if you think in stressed-out patterns long enough. You've got to consider the effects of stress because you and your husband were worrying for a long time even before the birth of your baby about trying to conceive.

I'm not pointing this out to scare you or make you feel like you need antidepressants (you don't, and it sounds like you're doing all the right things to help regulate your moods like eating right and exercising). You and your husband have just got to change the pattern of your stressful thinking, and give yourselves a break. Which is easier said than done, I realize.

First, I'd recommend that you go see a female gynecologist. Definitely a female rather than a male because she's going to have a greater intuitive understanding of your situation. She can reassure you that your situation is normal (and it is; I've heard of this happening a LOT), and let you know what you can do as you are passing through this low-sex-drive phase, and how long you can expect it to last. She can also give you a thorough checkup to rule out any (unlikely) physical complications. Bring your husband in after your physical exam so you both can hear what the gynecologist has to say.

Then I'd suggest a marriage counselor. NOT because your marriage is in trouble, because I don't think it is. But because you're both so young and this is a first-time problem for you both. You could use a trained professional to be a neutral party and help you both sort it out. Get a recommendation from your gynecologist.

The marriage counselor will help you both to relax and make sex more playful again, and will have suggestions for satisfying things you can do that won't involve full intercourse if you're not ready for that yet. Plus the counselor will help your husband to realize that he shouldn't be saying things like, "I don't know if the marriage will last." That is not a helpful thing to say; it just increases the stress. I know he's only 21, and I'm certain he knows under his frustration that you never give up on a marriage that sounds as good as yours does. I mean, you two sound perfectly compatible aside from having to struggle with this problem.

Overall, I think your situation is normal. You've just been through the life-changing experience of having a baby, and that is going to cause some enormous physiological and psychological changes upon you and any new mom. Some new moms even go through post-partum depression (which is not what I think your situation is). Most new moms are advised by their doctors (I'm fairly sure) to abstain from sex for the first 1 to 6 months to let their bodies (and state of mind) readjust from the experience of giving birth. You just gave birth a mere 7 months ago. I would guess that a full year has to pass before you're feeling more like your old self.

So I think it's just a matter of you and your husband giving yourselves a little more time. Plus relaxing, and throwing out the porn and sex books that just make you stress out and feel like you're trying too hard. Have faith that your sex life will be back to normal around the one-year mark (after the birth of your child), and go see the gynecologist and the marriage counselor for some tips on how to get through the next few months until things get better. Good luck, and don't worry!

I am not sure about what your husband has told you about sperm coming out when he urinates. I'm not a medical doctor but I do believe I heard that a man can either ejaculate or urinate but that one process stops the other. Have you been to the doctor with him and heard the doctor say what your husband has told you?

I think your husband is being an emotional bully by telling you your marriage might not work out.

Sex is affected by stress and he is giving you stress. It's a "Catch-22" situation here.

Please seek counseling for yourself. First, though, have a complete physical check-up. This will be covered by the military.
Do not let your husband affect your sense of self. You were able to enjoy sex before and you will again.

As for sex toys and lubricant-nothing wrong there. If he wants to please you, have him join in. And many women need lubrication; it has nothing to do with being turned on. It has to do with physical changes, medications, and stress.

Thank you everyone for your input and if anyone else has any suggestions I would welcome that
It is so hard because I want us both to go to marriage counseling but he feels a nuetral person will not be able to help us by listening and giving feedback
I think i will just arrange counseling for myself for now.
I definetly also believe that time will fix this because my main thing is that when I feel good about myself then I am way more into sex... and I am in the process of losing weight (and doing good)
The more weight I lose the better I am feeling about my body again and I definetly think that by the time Isaac turns one I should be at least fairly close to my goal.
I t is just so hard dealing with this body that doesnt look or feel like mine.
I have explained alll this to my husband and his is understanding as HE CAN BE about it, after all guys just dont have any idea what all this is like.
He has said he was sorry about telling me he doesnt think it will work out
he feels bad about it and says he loves me more than anything but he is just not happy
My husband since I met him has always been easily stressed out and I honestly think HE needs an anti anxiety or depressant med but try telling that to someone who wont take aspirin.
If anyone has any suggestions for how I can tell him that would be awesome
thanks again

Just a little advice: Your body is beautiful the way it is . You have had a baby!! If you want to lose weight for health, fine, but your figure will be more womanly and curvy because you are a mother. It is a beautiful thing. Be happy with you!

Your husband needs to work out stress. If he won't take anything, and taking a pill is not always a good idea, then he should "work it off." Sports, exercise, whatever.

First of all you are very young. Your husband's youth enables him to get turned on at a drop of a hat. But porn is not the answer to your sexual problems. Porn is never the answer, just invites others into your bed, is that what you want? Doesn't sound like it. You sound like a very loving but frustrated young women, who really wants to please her husband. Your husband on the other hand is being a little selfish. Your body and harmones have totally changed and often take a year after having a baby to adjust. And sometimes B.C. pills do help, but will take time. Many times men become very selfish when a baby comes into the home, even when they love that baby with all they have. This is not right, but happens all the time. And often frequent sex helps them to feel more secure. You sharing your heart with another little person and they feel jelious in a way. Men speak through their sex drive. Everything revolves around sex to them. They judge everything through sex as well. So he sees all of this as a threat to his "manhood". Which is not true. Your trying to be momma and wife and lover. Your tired, and frustrated as well. And trying everything you can, it sounds like. And the more frustrated he gets the higher his sex drive becomes..see what I mean. You both are too anxious, which feeds your sexual problem. Tell your young husband that anxiety in a women breads dryness. And if you do not use lubricant you can harm yourself. Don't tell him your using it. He'll think it's all you. There is a harmone that your doctor can give you that you insert to help with the dryness, ask about it. Try using lubricant on a daily basis, you'll feel better. If you stay dry and irritated it breads infection, which will only add to your problem. And I think the reason you can enjoy a vibrator is because your in controll. I am sure he is way too anxious a lover with his frustration to be as good a lover as you want him to be. Simply try having more oral sex. Epecially for him, he'll aprreciate it and you'll relax because he will relax. There's not a man a live that doesn't love oral sex, all the way. Then as you feel more relaxed, you'll know it, then have intercourse when your ready. Men can be very selfcentered when their sex drive is controlling them, which it does when they are as young as yours.
Believe me I know..you experience this same junk when you go through the change of life. It's all harmones. And then your husband really feel rejected because of your mood swings as well. It can be a very bad time in a marriage. Simular to after having a baby. My husband and I nearly broke up after 32yrs. of marriage. He was so frustrated that he went online and found a lover. You need to focus in on his self esteem by offering a whole lot of touching, and loving, and if you don't feel like it then oral sex works great for both of you until everything gets straightened out. But keep the lines of comunicaiton open, and don't use porn. Porn to men can be so addictive, very simular to a drug. Men are made up differently then we are. They are stimulated by visual and we need affection. So put some quiet romance back into your relationship and you'll both enjoy it. You take controll of the pleasure fields until you feel up to it. Just let him know how sexy you think he is, and how you want him but it is all harmone. My husband felt totally rejected, and in turn so did I and it just became a horrible circle until we nearly lost eachother.
Today we are great!!! And sex is better then it has ever been. Hand in there if you work at your relationship men get better with age, mine has.
Hope this helps!!

Again, after reading more from you. You both need to simply slow down and relax. Men, love looking a beautiful body, yes, and we as women judge ourselves all the time by what we see on TV or mags. but they are not all them seem to be either. I am over 50 and believe me I hate looking at my body. I have scars from c-secitons that I have never felt comfortable with. But men still love looking a your naked body. Look at hookers. Most of them can be ugly and fat, but men go to them all the time. Enjoy you!! Enjoy your marriage, and your baby. Young men are always frustrated by sex. And half of them don't even know how to really be a good lover yet. They think quanity is what it's all about. NOT!! It's quality. And being in love and safe in our marriage and how our husband makes us feel makes us feel sexy. Not all about him...Pills don't help and porn does not help. Relax and enjoy eachther. Do something fun together. Go out for the evening. I am here if you'd like to talk more.

A woman's body is "eye-candy" for her man! And excuse me for asking, but as a relationship writer and the editor of Marriage, I feel I must, what about love?

Sex is wonderful and beautiful, absolutely. But you married each other for love, correct? Well, love shouldn't be critical. He should be so honored that you had a baby together!