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Why does he still seem so right? #240880 04/05/06 04:25 AM
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JeanieT Offline OP
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Hi everyone,

Well, about 3 years ago, i met a guy by an accident while volunteering at a nursing home. We were both attracted to each other but we had an issue about our age gap. He's 7 years older than me. However, we some how dated anyway. We were very happy. Even though we had a lot of things in the way of our relationship but we were very happy and loved each other. We got pretty serious, until one day when he decided to move away for a yr for a job. I was devestated about his move, but we still manage to keep in touch and he'd call me a lot. He even made an efford to visit me a few times and fly me out to visit him once. Our plan was after he come back, he were gonna continue with our relationship. I love this guy to death and i really see him to be in my future. But after he came back, things have changed, he changed. He wanted other things. I no longer became his piority. He told me that he wants us to be friends but he doesnt want to be in a relationship. It breaks my heart. I mean, i really want to believe that we some how will get back with each other if we're really meant for each other. However, im so afraid to hear about he meeting other girls one day. Ever since i met him, he became piority in my life. Now, im so devastated feeling that everything that he told me or did to me were all nothing but a big lie. I dont know what to do now. I try to act normal and be strong, but there are many nights, i would just think about what he used to say to me and started to cry hopelessly. Inside even though i'm so upset that things turned out the way they are but in my heart i still feel like this is just a little storm we have to pass before we get to see the rainbow. I love this guy with all my heart and i felt that we were destine to be with each other, but i dont know why he doesnt feel the same way for me anymore. I cant really talk about this to anyone because in a way i feel ashame of myself. I totally lost confident in myself, because i felt like there was something wrong with me, that's why he changed his heart. I feel like there wont be anyone that can replace him in my heart. Like no one. I mean this guy is no mr. Perfect. He did quite a few things that made me mad like that one time went to Hongkong for a week w/ his EX and i didnt know about it. But i let go because i love him. Beside, all of my friends have their boyfriends, girlfriends and would never understand if i tell them this, i hope you guys will give me some feedback about what you think and you're all welcome to give me advice. What should i do to overcome this saddess? Do you think im foolish to feel this way? Thank you you all very much. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Last edited by JeanieT; 04/05/06 04:37 AM.
Re: Why does he still seem so right? #240881 04/07/06 02:08 PM
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Kharma Offline
Amoeba
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It is hard and I know how bad your hurting right now. The fact is that the reason that your hurting so bad is because "You" didn't tell him that he could leave yet. He decided that on his own and that right there is a horrible feeling. I don't know if you still call him and stuff, but I'm pretty sure you probably do. You might even do it too much. Or maybe he calls you and you jump. If so... STOP.
If and when he does call you, politely tell him that your in a hurry and you'll call him back in a bit. Then don't call him until he calls you at least two more times whether it be in one day or two weeks...do not call him. He knows how you feel so he knows that your there if he needs you to be. You need him to stop feeling so confident with you. Then maybe he'll want that challenge again like when two people first meet. If he doesn't come around and still just wants to be friends tell him you can't right now and cut yourself completely from him and recover your broken heart. The only thing that is going to cure that is time, time and more time.

Re: Why does he still seem so right? #240882 04/15/06 09:35 PM
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DarlingPoor Offline
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Quote:
Ever since i met him, he became piority in my life.


I'm sorry you ever let that happen. You should always be your first priority. You, your Gddess self, and doing things that make you happy. Even in a partnership, you need to keep yourself happy and confident.

Quote:
However, im so afraid to hear about he meeting other girls one day.


Don't worry about it. Focus on yourself and being the best, smartest, most awesome person you can be. If you can do that, everything else will fall in place for you.

I recommend you read The Sea Priestess by Dion Fortune. It will show you that all women are goddesses. If you focus on yourself, men will come to you and your pining days will be over.


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Re: Why does he still seem so right? #240883 04/21/06 04:47 AM
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Alexa_DramaMovEd Offline
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I am sorry to hear what you're going through. I would recommend reading "He's Just Not That Into You" --it sounds harsh but it will help you to see how you've lowered your standards of how you ought to be treated. Every woman deserves a man that will give her his undivided attention and love but the sad thing is if we accept anything, that is what we'll get.

What it sounds like is your feeling sadness over who you would have liked him to be, who he had the potential to be, or even who he was in the beginning. But the fact is, he's not that guy anymore, he's not making you happy and that is reason enough to say goodbye. You are mourning the idea of him more than him himself.

Time to cut this one loose and if he comes to his senses and begs to get you back and puts the action behind it, then you've got something to consider. Easier said than done I know, but I am speaking as someone who is one month into the break-up of a 3 and a half year relationship, so I feel you, but try to think about how strong you'll feel if you take back control of what you'll accept and won't. Men lose respect for women who will allow them to do anything to them so think of it as making yourself stronger for the next guy who comes along who will treat you how you deserve to be treated.


Alexa Pecore
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"That's why he hasn't an enemy in the world, only his friends hate him."--E.K. Hornbeck (Gene Kelly), Inherit the Wind
Re: Why does he still seem so right? #240884 04/21/06 03:37 PM
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alicat Offline
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hey just be good to you! go and do the things you have always wanted to do take the focus off him and your feelings go and get a new hobby he will come round when hes ready you just need to show him what he is missing out on!

the wonderful beautiful you!!

Re: Why does he still seem so right? [Re: alicat] #287789 01/14/07 11:15 PM
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JeanieT Offline OP
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So me and the guy some how got talking again after my first post. We agreed to be friends but then i still had feelings for him. However, he told me recently that he doesn't love me, doesn't want to be with me, and want me to just move on with my life because he already has. I cried and devastated. I don't know what i've done wrong. All of these years I've done nothing but give him love and support.... and now he said that he doesn't want me in his life anymore? How can a guy be so cold hearted? ... or is there something wrong with me? I deleted all of his emails, packed away all of his stuff, I put away any memories of him that I could. I was even afraid to sleep because as soon as I lay down I think of him, and when I do go to sleep, I'm afraid to wake up because he is the first that cross my mind in the morning. I even wanted to die at one point b/c I could not bare this pain. I am so afraid what life will be like without him in my life.

Re: Why does he still seem so right? [Re: JeanieT] #287876 01/15/07 06:23 PM
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Kharma Offline
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I was just reading your post, but I didn't pay attention that it was dated in april until just now. Anyways I read what you wrote and I guess it didn't ring a bell. then I read the first reply and the whole time I was completly agreeing to it not even realizing that the reply was from me. I was getting ready to reply again and I was going back to see who it was from so that in the new post I was going to write I was going to say how much I agreed with who ever wrote that. Come to find out it was me.
also, when I wrote that I was really in love at that time and now I feel just like how you feel in your relationship. Even though that advice I gave you way back then... if only I could listen to it also, but it is so damn hard to do what I suggested. I had prayed that I would never again feel this kind of pain in my life, but here I am again going through exactly what you were going through. good luck and keep yourself number one.

Re: Why does he still seem so right? [Re: Kharma] #288379 01/19/07 04:11 AM
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don't play games with him or yourself, be honest. he seems so right because you want him to seem so right not necessarily because he is so right. take a step back and ask yourself what you really want and then ask if this person truly fulfills all of your needs as you would wish or if this person is just filling a void that would otherwise be very hard to replace. it is common for those in relationships to overlook ones shortcomings in order to create a higher mental ranking of the person with which they are involved. if he does not want a relationship don't force it because that is simply prolonging and worsening the inevitable result of the relationship not working out. my advice would be to strive for a deep friendship before making a serious relationship.

Re: Why does he still seem so right? [Re: JeanieT] #288785 01/22/07 04:31 AM
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Quenek Offline
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Never make a guy the center of your universe to the point where you lose yourself in him and can't find your way back to you.

He seems right because he replaced you in your definition of who you are. You stopped defining yourself and instead opted to define yourself through him and how he viewed you. Now that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, his doing this has disrupted you being able to see yourself: you're lost.

Sad as it may seem, I don't think it's true that you two were meant to be. If it were, he'd have been taking a far different tack which would be supporting the view that you were meant to be together. He's been handing you signs that you two weren't meant to be together, but you chose to ignore the truth in order to further the artificial construct you were building about you two to make up for the fact that you set yourself adrift with this man. Taking an ex to Hong Kong behind your back is break up talk to women with healthy self esteems. He made a clear and monumentous declaration about your importance in his life when he did that and you want to treat is as if it's just a little hiccup.

Your best bet in getting over this is to face the truth and accept it. Stop buying into the fantasy you've been weaving about the two of you. Talk to a therapist to resolve these issues.

Re: Why does he still seem so right? [Re: Quenek] #289041 01/23/07 06:11 PM
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I agree you need to resolve your issues. You need to be strong enough to go it alone before you can go it in a relationship. If you can't do that, you need to get help. I feel for you. I spent too many of my younger years madly in love, unhappy, hurt, then madly in love with someone new all over again. And the cycle goes on, until you don't need a man to fulfil you. You may want a man in your life, but you won't need one. There is a difference. You've had some good advice. These people care. Think about what they've suggested.

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