BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Dilemma: Perfect marriage, sexually incompatible

Before people run off suggestions for improving our sex life: we have tried everything short of polyamory (not an option) and we have NO problems communicating. If anyone knows a really good sex therapist in SF, though, that might help.

So here goes: I'm 36. I have a strong sex drive, and have no probs communicating my needs and boundaries.

My husband and I were good friends for a year before we started dating. The sex was just okay, not great. He was kind of inexperienced, insecure and clumsy. Still, I trusted that it would get better with time. The emotional intimacy was so great that we got married anyway, hoping that we'd find a way to improve out sex life.

The problem is: to this day, he has never been able to really turn me on. I'd say 60% of my potential, tops, and only rarely. Even with more experience and skills on his part, I find sex with him really flat. This has been soooo frustrating for me. (In contrast, I can turn him on fine, whenever I want; and he desires me a lot.)

After 5 years of working at it, and having sex slide downhill, I've come to the frightening conclusion that maybe we're simply not sexually compatible.

The reason I haven't left him (and vice versa) is that in other ways we have an incredible relationship and he'd make a kickass dad. But I feel as if a part of me has been amputated. He's dissatisfied with our sex life too. Recently, we decided that if we didn't find a way to improve it this spring, we should get a divorce.

I guess I'm putting this out there because I've never seen anything like this on the internet; this isn't about different preferences or levels of sex drive. Anyone else have experience with something similar? Or is no one stupid enough to marry someone who doesn't turn him/her on? What would you do?

Emma,
This is a major problem but, as a relationship writer, I have heard before. Intimacy is a difficult process as it is for many people and if your mate does not turn you on it is as if a part of your life has been taken away. That is not something everyone can live with.Most women have strong sex drives, (some, even in 2007 are embarassed to admit it due to upbringing or religious indoctrination), and that is healthy and normal.

If everything else is good then you have the option of living with a best friend who you truly love, knowing that you will never have the sex life you crave. Divorce is the last option but there is nothing wrong with admitting that you gave it your all and it didn't work out.

My one suggestion is to contact the Berman Center run by Drs. Jennifer and Laura Berman. I believe there is one in the SF area.

Emma,

I feel your pain. I am married to an extremely sexy and wonderful man. However, I think something is wrong with me. I get almost to the point of orgasm and then have to fake the finale'. When we first got married, our sexual chemistry was extremely intense and now after being married for only a few months, it seems so mechanical. If I talk to him about it, he gets his feelings hurt or his male ego gets shot down and he reciprocates with an [censored] attitude.

When I was younger (I am now 29), I used to believe those silly fairy tales of men riding up on white horses and taking me into his arms. But those do not happen, do they? I look at it this way. I have dated for a long time and found just about every jerk in the world. Then I found my husband. Dating is NOT what it used to be and sex is a small but important factor in marriage (although some will disagree). No matter how many men you sleep with, they all never know exactly what you want/need in order to achieve sexual happiness. Sex is not what you expect in fairy tales and I don't see a reason (biblically or logicially)for divorce in this situation.

Apparently, you two are communicating, so why not try communicating with him on the use of toys or other objects that you know would turn you on. Try something both of you would always fanticize but never actually do. My husband and I try new positions and lately, his will to try other things to make me happy has made the sex amazing. It's not necessarily the act but his intent to make me happy. And if that doesn't work, take your toy in private and finish the job. Then thank the good Lord up above for a great man that tries his best to please you instead of the other jerks that are available. I promise the marriage is worth the sacrifice if he's really trying. It's a small price to pay for a wonderful man.

Thank you both for your thoughts. I particularly appreciate it because this is a hard one to talk frankly about with friends and family--though I try. It helps to know that I'm not the only one going through this.

Karen, thanks for the referral and the acknowledgement that "Divorce is the last option but there is nothing wrong with admitting that you gave it your all and it didn't work out." It really helped me to hear, as it resonates with what is in my heart of hearts.

We really are giving it our all... We both love each other deeply and want to stay together. At the same time, we both feel that the situation is not sustainable; neither of us wants to raise kids in an environment where both parents are, deep inside, unhappy. My core belief is that it is better to be true to myself, even if it means ending up alone, than live a half-life. I hope I have the courage to actually live up to that, if it comes to it.

Emma, my thoughts are with you. I've given seminars on marriage and relationships and there are always women who see me after the seminar to ask questions about unhappiness with their sex lives. That is usually that their drive is stronger than their husbands or that he uses sex as a bargaining chip.

You're making a tough decision and unfortunately, only you can make it. But...you have the right attitude about living a half-life. That is not any life at all.

Emma:

I wouldn't throw in the towel because your sex life isn't 100%. I've been with my husband for 20 years - my entire adult life. We've gone through college, graduate school and kids together. We've had ups and downs in careers and many moves all over the country. Sex lives and drives go up and down in all marriages. We find very open communication about each others needs with a healthy dose of reality and a sense of humor help us ride the weird times.Marriage and sex really do get better with age - try the Bermans before you throw in the towel.

One reality that can help couples realize is that sex involves more than just intercourse - if you think outside the box and recognize that, doors open.

Hang in there.

Best,

DrGwen, thanks for the input. We are still trying. I've checked out the Berman Center. For now, we're taking workshops with The Center for Sex and Culture which is well-reputed among local therapists, and a bit less commercial.

I should clarify that my complaint is not merely that our sex life is less than perfect; and that our problems don't have to do with the normal cycle of married life. Sex was bad when we started dating, and has gotten worse since. Since turning 18, I'd consciously pursued a bountiful, uninhibited and adventurous sex life. Robust sexual vitality is a big part of who I am and how I experience joy in life, and five years of nothing but lackluster sex has been eating away at me like a quiet rotting disease.

We live in the San Francisco Bay Area and are steeped in a well developed feminist sexual culture--Suzy Bright, Annie Sprinkles, Dan Savage, Good Vibrations, and so on. Since early adulthood we've both known that sex is not just about intercourse. What's missing is the fullness of sex--the connection, trust, and deep intimacy. After years of counseling, we know that it is poor sexual chemistry at a fundamental level that's the root of the problem, one that may not be fixable.

I congratulate you on making yours work for 20 years. I know that marriage takes work; and, too, that not all marriages are meant to last forever.

Take care.

I am in a similar problem. I have a strong desire for love, affection and passion, but have received very little over the past five years. I love my wife, but I can not gain any affection or sexuality from her. Over the past five years we have had sex only two or three times. Her desire for sex is almost none existant. She will not allow me to cuddle her in bed let alone persuade her into any level of intamacy. I believe strongly in upholding my vows and do not believe in divorce. However, I am so frustrated and depressed I have started to think of divorce. I am tired of being my own best lover. I want to love my wife again, but I don't know how to open her up into being responsive again. Having sex more than once a year, if that, would certainly be nice.

An update: As we were teetering on the brink of divorce, my husband took a day-long, hands-on training through the Center for Sex and Culture in SF for men who want to become better lovers. After years of couples counseling, physical/somatic learning shifted things where just talking could not. But if you ever send your partner to something like this, pin down precise details beforehand so that you can give informed consent and avoid a huge fight.

My husband is a much more skilled, more confident lover now. We're enjoying each other fully for the first time. There's stuff he still needs to work on, but I'm feeling much better now that I've seen substantial, concrete improvement.

Craig: I'm sorry to hear about your difficult dilemma. I hear what you're feeling about beind depressed and frustrated; I have certainly been there a lot. I'm not an expert, and I don't know the details of your situation, but I do feel compelled to ask, is it that she has a low libido, or perhaps that there is something else in the way...

My belief is that if a woman never wants to have sex with her partner, then--unless she genuinely has low libido or guilt/shame issues--he's not really pleasing her, whether it's in bed or out.
If it's the last two, then at least there might be something you both can do about it. I don't know what your wife is feeling, but perhaps it would be good to approach her with kindness and ask if there is something getting in the way, or something you can do. To me it's total turn-on when my partner prioritizes my pleasure, and a total turn-off when a man views sex as something that he gets and I give (not to imply that that's what you've been doing). I hope you find peace and resolution one way or another.

Did you read Kamasutra?