BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids 40+ getting pressure to have kids now!

These men, they kill me <img src="/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. They all say the same 'ol woreout cra p, then, when junior comes along, it's vamouse! . They make like horse sh!t and hit the trail, leaving the woman holding the bag, or, diaper as it were.

My first husband left me because I refused to cave in to his and his nazi familys' deMANDS that I pro-create and become as miserable and broke as they were. He knew well in advance there would never be the pitter-patter of little feet in my house. I stuck to my guns, and boy am I glad I ever did. I have a wonderful husband now and we are two peas in a pod...and only two peas.

Stay true to yourself hon, this isn't deciding on which color paint to throw on the walls. It's forever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

Depend on NO ONE BUT YOURSELF to secure your future in your later years. Purchase health, life, retirement, disability and long-term health care insurance that will PAY people to take care of you. Family are the worst for taking advantage of, abusing and stealing from their own elderly kin. Those reasons your husband gave are pathetic and they are obviously scripted, shallow and boring. Certaily he can come up with better excuses for having a kid then those.

Fire

Wow. You guys are really supportive and funny too! *tears*

Thanks so much all. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I will speak with the hubby this week.

hey socal1!
You might also want to tell hubby about the many negative effects that having a child will have on his sex life:
1) You probably won't WANT to have sex when you are pregnant (and having mood swings, morning sickness, swollen ankles etc.) So he won't get much sex then...
2) When you HAVE a baby... you will be tired, and trying to SLEEP when the baby is not awake. So he won't get much sex then either...
3) When the baby grows into a child... you will have to wait until the child is asleep... and try not to wake them... and worry about them walking in unannounced. So he won't get much sex then either...
and
4) If you have vaginal childbirth... your "stuff" will be all stretched out. You won't be as "tight" for him anymore, and sex won't be as pleasurable for EITHER of you. So, when he DOES get sex it won't be the same... (FYI I got this info from my husband who had children with his first wife)

Maybe he'll listen if you lay out these facts for him. In general, men rank sex right up there with food and sports, as the best/most important things in life, so maybe he'll think again if he realizes what kids will do to his sex life.

Good Luck! We're all rooting for you :-)

No one ,I mean ,no one should pressure another to have children. The woman and the man both should want children in order to even talk about having a child. If the woman has a baby for her husband she may not even want to have children and taking care of children day-in-and-day-out is hard enough even when you want them. Not to mention a child feeling like he is in the way. If you and your husband feel like you are ready for a baby, you should spend some time with couples that already have children and see how their lives are with children, and ask yourself,"Can we do this every day 24/7. And then decide to have a baby together. But I would never had a baby just because my husband wanted one. I would make sure that I really wanted one before I had one. My sister adopted a 6 year old boy because her husband wanted a son, they had two daughters. It was a mistake because my sister through the years never did bond all the way with her son and now he is around 20 and in and out of trouble because he could tell his adoptive mom really did not want him. They are not getting along in their marriage either. Their two daughters are out of the house and it is only the two of them left.My sister should have stood her ground and told her husband she really did not want to adopt instead of going ahead with it for her husband. Maybe their son would have turned out better if they had decided not to adopt him. It may have been better if he had been adopted by someone else that really wanted him.I have tried to talk with my sister in the past and it was to no avail. Everytime I was around their son, I would talk as much to him as I could and my family showed a lot of interest in him. My son still writes to him on a regular basis.But p-l-e-a-s-e, do not have a baby if you do not want one.I know in out time some people look at couples funny if they say they do not want a child. But I think that is a very muture thing to do. Because I know if the baby could talk he or she would say please don't have me if you do not want to take care of me 24/7.

My husband and I neither wanted a child or the experience of being parents. It upsets me that people have children because it is the expected "normal" thing to do. There are many older children who need adoptive families if that is an option for the two of you. I work with a woman who is lesbian and wanted children soo bad. A friend of hers impregnated her twice. Both births were ceaserian and caused her many problems as her birth canal was too narrow to accomodate birth. She is a woderful and loving mother along with her partner but she had a very strong desire for children. I think that is the only reason to have children otherwise there is resentment towards the child.

Bluecat,

I always like to call this exactly what it is...peer pressure. Sure, there's a general societal pressure to have kids, but if you're getting more direct pressure from family, friends, co-workers...it's peer pressure!

Shouldn't we all have transcended that BS by the time we're out of high school?

Have a child if you *and your husband* truly want to care for and nurture a child. Any and all other reasons are irrelevant, and their burden tends to fall disproportionately on the mother...

"Don't breed...evolve"

Elise

I feel badly for you but I do think having kids would be a mistake. Yes some people have kids or adopt late in life and make great parents but most of them really desperately want kids. Perhaps your husband feelings have changed in the past few years. It is sad but true that people feelings about kids and other things often change over time. That is one reason why I will never say totally never to kids because I might change my mind. However, I wont have any unless I really desperately want them. I thik you need to talk very seriously with your husband and explain your feelings and dont give into pressure/.

Oh I just wanted to add if you do want to adopt an older child and its something your really want to do there are programs in place. A women at my job adopted her daughter form russia at the age of 8. She did this program where the girl came to stay wiht her for a summer. The summer program was so that adoptive parents and kids could get to know eachother and see how it worked out and the kids got to go to camp then most of the parents adopted the kids that they had over the summer later in the year.

That summer program with the Russian kids sounds pretty cool, tubby! It sounds like a great way to test the waters so to speak and see if you have a good fit with the child. Helping out an existing child too is a good thing.
I know that there CAN be lots of problems with adopting an older child, but there can be lots of problems with having your own child too. At least this way, you can see if you might be compatible with the child... when you have a child of your own, you are stuck with the luck of the draw.

Hi Ladies and Gentlemen,
Here are some words from an almost 37 year old guy who absolutely, positively does not want kids. By the time I settled into my career in my mid 20's and started looking for a mate, I knew I didn't want a family. It took me over 6 years to meet a lady of similar thinking but I did and I didn't cave into any baby crazy busy bodies. I put my money where my mouth is 4 months ago and underwent a vasectomy. The procedure was quick, inexpensive and the discomfort was minimal. There was zero effect on the awesome love making my girlfriend and I enjoy. The $200 cost to me (I am on a Blue Cross Health Plan) was less than the cost of a one year prescription of birth control pills for my girlfriend. She is very happy to be off the pill.

To Cookiecody: excellent point about kids and care in old age.I know of several cases where parents had to care for adult children when the children became seriously ill.

I have had 2 experiences in the last week one positive,one negative relating to the childfree choice my girlfriend and I have made. The negative experience occurred two days ago at the local ice skating rink during adults only skating time no less, a baby crazy busy body colleague of my Dad's kept trying to tell me I would change my mind one day and would my want to have my vasectomy reversed. After listening to 5 minutes of this nonsense, I asked her how she would like it if my girlfriend and I were to comment about her and her husband's birth control choices. This woman replied that was a personal matter and I emphatically told her with a couple "f" words the same was true for my girlfriend and me!

Last Friday (the positive experience), I shared a chairlift ride at the local ski area with a high school classmate who is the proud parent of 2 young boys. We hadn't seen each other in 4 years. She was happy to hear that I am now in a long term committed relationship. Furthermore, she was very respectful about our childfree choice. I congratulated her and her husband on the birth of their second son last fall.

Mike
Los Alamos,NM