BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids 40+ getting pressure to have kids now!

Before we got married, I repeatedly reminded my future husband of my age and that I may not have kids. We were married when I was 40 (he is 11 years younger than me). Now that I am about to turn 44, he keeps bringing up the subject of kids. Think about this----if I have a baby at 44, I will be 62 when he/she is 18. The thing is, I don't mind having kids, but I'm totally ok about not having any either. It's not like I absolutely do not want any kids and would love them if I have any, but I do NOT want to be pressured or feel like I HAVE to have them. Also, after reminding him that I really do not want to work at 60 but if I have kids now, I will have to.

Also, yes, I get the "when are you guys gonna have kids?" question all the time. ALL the time.

Sometimes I feel like I should just divorce so that he can find someone much younger and that really wants to have kids. Either that or maybe if any of you guys know of a college graduate that needs to be adopted??! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just venting and trying to cope with how I am feeling.

Letting someone pressure you into having kids is the worst reason to have them. I work with a gal who had a baby because her husband wanted "his boy". Well guess what? They're divorced now, and she's got custody of "his boy".

I think that both people in a couple should EQUALLY want kids, and want them BADLY, to have them. It's too much of a complete commitment to be lukewarm about.

Never mind that at age 44, there are no guarantees you will even conceive or conceive easily, and if you do the risks are higher for you and the baby.

Cindy

I am also 40+, DH is almost 9 yrs younger. We've been married for 12 years, together for over 15. We went through waffling over whether/not to have kids. We were never on the same "yes" page at the same time. We both kind of took it at face value since neither of us was totally "yes!" at any point. When he hit his 30's and his younger sibs started having kids, he sort of got the bug. But I'd said all along, I had a "window" past which I wouldn't even consider it. For me, 37 was that magic age. Having kids after that seemed absurd. I know women are doing it all the time, even many I know. But it's not for me. And last year, DH's dad passed away and we assumed a lot of responsibility for DH's disabled brother. For the most part his family accepts our decision now because of that, although we do still get some questions (mostly from new spouses/SO's).

Get him to look after someone else's baby for a weekend. If he's still keen after that, then you have a problem....
I think you need to sort this out, and remind him of your pre-marital discussion. a far as you are concerned, you haven't changed your mind.....

Thanks for the replies.
Cindy, I agree, I will not risk my health to have a baby and I made this clear with my husband. I also think about the fact that I never had "strong desire" to have kids. Is this normal? I love other peoples kids, but I never wanted to have them very "BADLY". Also, I think women can have kids as long as they can produce healthy eggs, it's just that you would probably need to be really rich to support them at my age. (edit: except in the case of that 67 year old woman! That is wrong IMHO.)
Tbunny, thank you for your comments. It helps to know that there are others that go through this same thing-that it wasn't a total NO yet it didn't get to a yes. It is good to hear that your family now accepts it but that something not good had to happen for them to realize this. I'm very sorry for your loss.
And Alexandra, I thought about this, but do not know anyone close by with a baby I can borrow for a day. <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I don't think this would change his mind though, but I would give it a try!

I think the hardest thing is on our families. That they expect us to have them and they look at me like I am a failure in life! ( Even though I am more successful in my job than my husband since we met. Which poses another problem regarding having kids. ) Also the thing that really gets me is what my husband said to me. He said "Who is going to take care of us?" and "What am I working for?"

Your other family will see to it that you're cared for - my mom and her siblings currently look after their elderly aunt/uncle who don't have kids. I'd say build strong relationships with your siblings, cousins, friends, etc. and their kids, and invest wisely so there is money for your long-term care.

As for what he's working for -- DUH! -- YOU (both)! Do you have a nice house, car, lifestyle? Do you travel? Do you eat out? What we've come to realize - for us - is that being CF means living more in the moment. We don't have to hold out for some future happiness. It also allows us to have nicer things than we'd have otherwise (nice, not extravegant). We've also made other allowances: our house is small (I love it) so we can afford our boat, travels, etc. We also can afford to help our families when they need it (as with the disabled brother), which means a lot to us.

As we've discussed on other threads, there are lots of ways to mentor or "parent" a child without having one live with you. Babysit, volunteer, coach, mentor: Big Brothers/Big Sisters, Scouts, church youth groups, etc. are excellent ways to be involved with kids. (And then you can go home to your nice, quiet house - my favorite perk!)

It's quite dangerous to conceive for women aged 40 and above. the baby is also at risk. You need to explain to your husband the dangers of having baby at your age.

Read some of the other threads in the Married No Kids forum. It's been discussed many times how having kids is no guarantee of being cared for in your old age. Parents can outlive their kids. The kids might be disabled and need care their entire lives, a whole other ball of wax and heartache. Kids might choose to live in another state or even another country (my cousin does) and not be able to drop everything in their lives if a parent needs care. Kids might not have what it takes to care for a seriously ill parent. My grandfather is 93 and has dementia, and his children work and are unable to care for someone in his condition, so he's in a nursing home. (He gets frequent visits from my aunts and cousins who live close by, though.) What it boils down to is we need to be able to take care of ourselves, and make provisions for our own care in old age. I wouldn't want to be a burden on anyone, myself.

If your husband desparately wants kids and you don't, then he may need to make a decision whether having kids is worth ending his marriage to you. Hard words, but true.

Cindy

[quote]
Cindy, I agree, I will not risk my health to have a baby and I made this clear with my husband. I also think about the fact that I never had "strong desire" to have kids. Is this normal? I love other peoples kids, but I never wanted to have them very "BADLY".

Oh, and by the way, it is perfectly normal to not want kids. Most of the people on this forum will completely agree with that. Just as it is normal to not want a dog or a cat. I love my pets, but I can appreciate that pet ownership isn't for everyone. <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Cindy

Oh, SoCal...Where to begin?

Not wanting children is certainly normal. It's not the most common choice, but it's certainly normal. It's becoming more and more common every day; the most recent figures hover around 20% or a bit more of all women being CF or childless at age 45.

The fact that you don't have kids in the neighborhood for you to "borrow" is perhaps part of your husband's problem. The media reflects kids in a positive light, while reality is...considerably more varied and less flattering. He's buying the hype and knows nothing of the actual reality --- particularly if *you* were to keep working and he were to become HouseDad Deluxe.

Your inlaws sound waaaay less than helpful. But I see where your husband gets his points of view on kids. "What is he working for?" Making a wonderful life for himself and his beloved wife, of course, or perhaps because he finds fulfilment in his career --- and maybe even doing a little to help his community in his free time? How 'bout that? It sounds like he's just bought the familial and societal hype and not given it any independent thought at all...if he had, instead of saying "Who will take care of us?" (I'm in touch with neither of my parents, by the way, and they're getting mighty close to elderly --- there are NO guarantees!), he'd be saying "I would like to care for and nurture a child" --- if that was truly what he wanted. That, sports fans, is the only legitimate reason for having a child in this overcrowded day and age.

Not passing on the family name.
Not expecting a nursemaid in your dotage.
Not looking for unconditional love (you'll come out on the losing end of that equation).
Not thinking your particular genes will be more likely than average to make a "contribution to the world" (your kid is statistically as likely to be a Jeffrey Dahmer or a Son of Sam as an Einstein or a Mozart)
etc.
etc.
etc.

I would, were I you, ask him to take a hard look at *why* he wants what he says he wants. If he really wants kids for the right reason, not the leftover rationalizations I listed above, then...yes, you really do have a problem. Children need their parents, while at the same time putting a big stress on marriages --- even when they're 150% wanted. Don't cave in unless you're *sure* you want to become a mother; otherwise, you'll be knocking over life's biggest domino and all you'll be able to do is watch the rest of 'em fall, meanwhile working as hard as possible not resent this innocent little creeature that you've brought into your life.

Good luck to you in working this out!

Elise