BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Frustration Central!! UGH!!!....

Does anyone else have this problem? I am recently married as of 9/28/06. My husband and I have recently relocated to Oklahoma because he got a really good paying job. However, I have yet to find employment. I always thought that your home was made from the couple...not the wife. He refuses to help with ANYTHING related to the house. I am expected to pay bills, clean house, keep the yard clean, and everything else. I completely understand that he is tired when he comes home from work but I worked 40+ hours and then came home to clean house before. I try to keep the house clean but he's always dropping things on the floor and wanting me to pick them up. He's too lazy to even put the phone on the charger when it goes dead. It is so frustrating!! Is there any help out there?

You do have a problem here. Didn't you notice this before marriage? had you both discussed what you would bring to the marriage and how household chores would be divided?

I know it sounds mundane but many times these things are not discussed because we are in the throes of love.

Talk to him and see what the problem is and how you together, not you alone, want to go about settling it. Put the buden on him.

What would happen if you left things for him to do? For instance, if you left the phone off the charger or left his stuff on the floor, maybe he'd have no choice but to pick up after himself. This would require a lot of restraint on your part - but maybe he'd eventually learn that you're not there to serve him.

Laurie, unfortunately, chances are she would crack first. If I read this situation, he just really, genuinely doesn't see it. He is completely unaware and unconscious ofthis being of any importance or relevance to him whatsoever.....

Mandi - Look to his upbringing..... Chances are that he's a mamma's boy. If this is the case - Wife = substitute Mother.
You have to sort his issue out, and rapidly. He's not going to change his spots unless you make it absolutely clear this situation is completely unacceptable to you.
He sees it as the norm, and probably won't understand what all the fuss is about.
In this situation, don't expect Romance, candlelit dinners, flowers or demonstrations of affection, either.
Mothers don't get that.

And if you have to get emotional about it, then so be it. Just calculate well in advance what you need to say, and make sure the message gets across. Don't let him put it down to female mood swings.
That may well be so, but it doesn't take anything away from what you are trying to say.

Trust me. I have been there.

I'm in a similar situation as you. My husband is military. And despite my work qualifications and educational background (which are very good), I can't get employment. It's because of where we live (Germany).

So right now, my primary job is that of hausfrau. At first, much of the household work was placed on me, but I discussed it with hubby, and we agreed that he would do any work that was required outdoors (taking out trash, mowing lawn, sweeping, etc.) and I would primarily take care of things that needed doing indoors. Of course, we don't always stick to this rule. Sometimes I help him work outside and many times, he helps with my work inside.

But at first, I just had to make him see that there was a difference between being a housewife and being a slave. Sure, I'm willing to take on more of the work, because he does, after all, have a job and he provides for me. But to do all of it is too much, and he's now aware of that. He's been very good about helping me. It helped that he lived alone for a very long time and had to do everything for himself, but he's still very much a slob and I'm very much a neat freak, and he's trying to learn to pick up after himself so that I have less work to do.

Once we move again and I get a regular job, we'll have to re-evaluate our situation and divvy up the chores more evenly. But for now, this works for us.

You just have to talk to him. It may not have occurred to him that you feel overworked.

And if you want to know how to approach the subject, you can say something like, "I would love to spend more quality time with you, but in order to do that, I need a little help to get the chores done around here, so I have a little more time and I feel a little less tired."

Good luck.

Well, I am still working at getting him to chip in on the household chores. But not long after I posted the last message (actually my first message), I started looking at marriage counselling sites and he walked in. He stormed out of the room and not 10 minutes later...dishes were clanking around. I guess I hit a nerve or something. I hate playing games but sometimes they do work...and sometimes they do blow up in your face. He's a wonderful, loving husband but just so darned lazy. He also has an anger issue but we are taking baby steps. He's never hit me or done anything crazy except for shouting but I come from a home that never yelled. We saw it as an insult instead of a solution to our fight. Slowly, I will try to crack that one down too. Any suggestions on that? Thank you all for your help!

~Mandi

Alexandra...he is most definitely a mama's boy. When we fight...he wants to call his mother to referree the event! He's 36 freakin' years old!!! I'm 29 and I would NEVER call my mom to talk to during a fight. She'd hang up on me! He is so nutty sometimes! Thank you for your advice!

~Mandi