BellaOnline Forums Family Single Parents Custody over newborns

I joined looking for support from other single parents. My daughter Isabelle is due in 10 weeks and truth be told I am terrified. I'm going to be 23 in about a month and unfourtunately my birth control and condoms both failed me. I suppose that's why I know that Izzy was meant to be, but that doesn't help my fears. I'm not sure I can do this, and to make matters worse, my ex scares me.

When I first met "Ben" he was a fun, attractive guy. I had come home for the summer to help my family before continuing on to a teaching post in Asia. My first night back I met him and was charmed. He was every thing I thought I'd always wanted and now I realize that that was all his act. He was only going to be in town for the summer too, but as soon as he found out about the baby, he moved here permanently. He became controling, always wanting to know everything about me at all times. AAnd then he showed me the real Ben. he suffers from deep depression and post-traumatic stress, both of which he says don't mean anything. He drinks too much as a way to cope with his pain. He denies there is a problem, and the thing is, unless you've seen him in one of the moments when he lets his mask drop, you'd say there was no problem either. The worst part is that for the first four months of my pregnancy, I suffered from depression over the abrupt changes in my life. I was angry and even said that I never wanted my baby. He's now using those words to show that I'm a bad mother, especially since I went into premature labor and almost lost the baby a couple weeks ago.

Now he wants 50/50 custody of our daughter from the day of birth, one week on and one off. Is it unreasonable for me to think that is a absurd demand? Newborns are too sensitive to their environments to be in such a constant state of flux, at least that's what I've been told. Besides I'm going to breastfeed my baby and when I presented this as a potential problem to the week on week off scenario he sarcastically said I'd better pump enough or learn to make deliveries. I don't want to deny my daughter knowing her father, especially if he turns out to be a good dad, but I also want to be sure he won't endanger her, or worse take her and return to his home state. He doesn't want this to go to court, however I believe courts may be the only way. Has anyone been through anything like this? Do you have any advice? I'm at a loss, and I need some help. Thanks.

Go to court! No judge will award 50/50 custody of a newborn whose mothers wishes to breastfeed. Ben probably only wants this to avoid child support in any case. He also doesn't want to go to court to both avoid a child support judgement and to keep you in fear. Nothing you have said during this pregnancy can be used against you... your lawyer would simply tell the judge it was due to fluctuating hormones due to the pregnancy. Be sure you get a good family law representative. Go to legal aid if you need to but definitely go to court and get legal documents on this. This is your child's future at stake... you must protect yourself and them. I hope you have a supportive family to help you through this difficult time. I will be praying for you. God/dess blessings on you and your child.

DOCUMENT everything your ex says and does.

DOCUMENT how often and how much he drinks.

DOCUMENT your fears and concerns.

Memory is not enough, keep a running list going of EVERYTHING. Memories do not hold, records do.

If you find he is double-talking, abusing you verbally or twisting your words ONLY communicate with him via e-mail/fax/IM/snail mail or someway that is a written document that can be traced back to him.

My ex started to get like that and I put my foot down and told him that I would not discuss anything unless it was via a written form of communication.

The abuse stopped then and there. He knew I was keeping notes on everything and that I would not let him push me around.

He stopped all communication on the grounds that I refuse to communicate with him. I went up to the domestic violence shelter (you don't have to have been married/lived together or had a long running relationship to receive services) and told them what was happening. I showed them the e-mails I had sent and the replies I received back and they provided me with an advocate. He has not pursued anything since.

The biggest thing is that I did not cease communication with him, I set reasonable boundaries and left the choice of communication up to him. He has decided that it was too much trouble to have to type/write up anything civil and I haven't had any trouble since.

I have all my paperwork in order with copies in different places and media�s (online document storage, a second e-mail account that is in no way linked to my main one, burned to a CD, on floppy and of course on old fashioned paper with a copies in 3 different areas -with me, in a safety deposit box and one in my file at the advocates office.)

I do not receive child support so there is NO issue of visitation. If he wants visitations (I'll consider supervised) he has to take the legal steps and communicate with me in a civil manner.

As for a relationship with the father, I will tell him when he asks that his wasn�t ready to be a dad and that when he is ready he knows how to see him.

Thank you for the advice, both of you. This has been such a hard time. I don't want to deny my daughter the right to know her father but i can't just hand her over like luggage. I'm trying to find a good lawyer, a few that my
therapist recommened. I just don't have anyone to really talk to about all this. My mother tries but she doesn't understand the problems and more so my fear of losing Isabelle, she thinks i'm being irrational to even worry. anyway, thank you again for confirming what i suspected was my best course of action and I'll start documenting everything. Will the courts accept my journal? I wrote down a great deal during the begining of all this, but stopped due to being tired all the time <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-Kris

They should. Bring it up with an attorney, show him/her what you have written he/she will be able to give a definitive answer since the laws vary state to state. It would hold up where I live.



Keep in mind the damage that could be done if she is unable to properly bond with you. If she can't bond with you she will have lots of trouble bonding with him and other people.

No judge will give custody of a newborn to the father just like that, especially if you breastfeed. The best he could get would be supervised visitations. I understand your fear, get a lawyer and get working on a parenting plan/childsupport order (I don't know about your state, but in Washington childsupport isnt an option, it is required), and make sure your birth plan KEEPS him from your delivery room! That way you don't have to have a paternity afidavit signed right there, and you don't have to deal with his abuse while trying to deliver your baby.

If your mother was never abused, then she won't understand what it is like. He sounds like a classic abuser, the PTSD, drinking, and depression are all cop-outs meant to make you feel sorry for him and to excuse his behavior. They do not. He is the one abusing, you are trying to protect your child.

So don't let him at the delivery, get a parenting plan asap, and best of all, get a protection order re his abuse BEFORE the delivery so that it's on the books. That way you are protected, and if he violates it he commits a felony. Be stern, write everything he says down verbatim, dates and times, and be ready to do everything you need to to keep your daughter safe.

Read "the verbally abusive relationship" by patricia evans if you haven't already.

Good luck

Dez

I am 18 and will be a mom in a matter of days and I know that if you go to court he will not be awarded 50/50 custody because a newborn needs it's mother and if you can prove to the judge that because of his state of mind or being he is not fit as a father and could possibly be a danger to your child no judge will give him custody but may allow supervised visits. and he probably wont be able to get 50/50 period through out her life, when she is older he will have rights to some custody but not 50/50. and I know that I am not putting the father on the birth certificate or giving my daughter his last name therefore he has to do a paternity test to have any involvment. and by the way child support does not give the guy imediate rights to visitation, I have talked it over with my doctor and many others.

my advice is to tell a judge that he drinks to much and is not right in mind and a judge will not give him custody, and certinly not that much custody.

Thank you so much hotbabymama for posting facts and what happened in mediation for california mothers rights to their newborns. I hope they do not grant him 50/50 custody until my son is 18 months especially when i am breatfeeding. I also have the annoyance issue of the father not being around for 9 months of pregnancy nor there for his birth. My son does not even carry the fathers last name nor has a paternity test been established nor did he sign the birth certificate. (I am not even sure of the fathers REAL full name). But he emails and calls me several times a day claiming that he is going to fight for 50/50 custody and that the courts will grant him 3 days on and 3 days off. He has one child now that he see's every other weekend so he knows more about child custody than I as this is my first child. I refuse to give my newborn son to him without any court documentation. I fear that he is nice to me to get me to willingly give up my son but will disappear and not return my son to me. So I tell him I will not hand over my son until there is court documentation so that I have legal rights to my son if he tries not to return him home. Also, I have no idea where the father lives, what he does for a living, whether he has a car or job, or anything. When he calls me, he calls from blocked numbers and only threatens via emails &amp; phone. He knows my cell number and where I live but I know nothing about his situation, only that he lives with his parents. So I cannot serve him papers because I have no proper information to his where-abouts. I don't even care about child support at this time because I have no info on him anyway and doubt he is working.So I cannot even file for my son to have legal sole custody because I do not know where to find the father. So I am in fear everyday that when I get served he will get 50/50 custody because I look as tho I was trying to keep him away from his son. This is what the father claims I am doing and will probably claim to the courts, when I am in fear that he will take my son and not return him and then who do I call? I don't even know his number, a have an alias name, and no address to where he lives. What do I do? What is the best advice regarding courts and my legal rights? i wouldn't mind every other weekend but I want a phone number, address, and at first some kind of supervised visitations to make sure that the conditions that he has my son in are safe. HELP. What do i do so he does not get 50/50 custody just to spite me and get out of paying child support tho he claims he doesn't want to pay me, when i haven't even asked for anything, he just wants 50/50 so he can harass me, threaten and try to control everything and make me fear him. What do i do? i need some advice, am I being unreasonable here?

Im 4 months pregnant and me and the babys father were only together for 8 months and we just broke up because i walked in on him cheating on me.And now that I moved back home with my family hes been seeing multiple girls and even got the clap from the girl he cheated on me with.And when he doesnt get his was he gets really mad and startes abusing me emotionaly. I imed him today and told him we needed to talk about things befor the baby comes in 5 months and everytime we talk about the baby we fight because his saying is its his way or the highway.Thats when he told me he didnt want the baby near my family and he wasnt going to sign the birth certificate unless i raised the baby the way he wanted me to and i told him no he said he wass goint to get custody of the baby and take it from me. I was wondering since im still in hgh school and have a stable living situations and none of the bills are behind if he could actually get the baby from me . he also smokes weed everyday and his mom who he lives with takes multiple pain medications cause shes addicted to them and him nd her both sell her pills