BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids undecided

I, too, am ambivalent about kids. When I hear people say, "You'll be next," I want to scream! The rebel in me wants to say "Like Hell!!!" But instead I just make some small comment and grin and bear it. When I take an in-depth look at what taking care of children entails, I decide that I don't want any kids. I will finish graduate school in May and will get married in December. I just don't want to go from one stressful thing to another. Graduate school has been HELL! Given that I am a marriage and family therapist, I know that having children is a tremendous strain on a marriage. I do not want to put my marriage at risk by having children too soon. Ideally, couples should wait at least 5 years before having their first child. On the other side of this coin is the fact that I will be 38 when I marry. At least you have more time to decide than I do. I understand how you feel. Just keep discussing the issue and make sure you discuss it with your husband. Children do not make a marriage stronger. Good luck to you.

This is a REALLY smart exercise. There are a so many people that want babies but don't actually want children. (Similar to those who want a wedding but not a marriage.) When you think about having kids, just make sure that you think about having a whole kid and not just the cutesy parts of one.

Good luck!

That is so true Dirty because with my personality I would not be able to deal with a child during the Terrible Two's and during the teen years. Thank God I was able to borrow my friend's child and see with my own two eyes that I could not be a mother full-time.

I'm a new mother. I was just like you. In fact I was more on the side of NOT wanting kids. I always had too many things going on, and had too many plans. When I got pregnant I had mixed feelings about it. Now that I am a mom I'm very happy. I've found that I can still do most of the things I always wanted to do, but maybe not quite as often or maybe not as soon as I'd have liked to.

I'm not saying you should decide either way. Just let life take you where it will. If it happens or if it doesn't, life is still good.

Commoncents when you said "I did not REALLY want to be a mother, but thought that it was something that I SHOULD do because time was running out." I can really identify with you - recently I've wavered a little (I'm 32) with all of my friends producing and thinking I should do the same - I feel as though I've been working my way towards something I really don't want... My view of children has changed over the last decade from absolute fear to being able to hold them when offered. I just try to look into the future and despite being told "what a wonderful mother" I'd be, I can't see it and when I try to look at the future with children I really can't.

My biggest problem is the fact that my husband wants one, I can see him playing in the garden with a toddler in my minds eye and I do get sad over that - but I do know that IF we ever did have children, realistically his contribution would be about 5 - 10%. Need to keep that in mind - as well as there being nothing worse than a child who is resented.

Even though I know my husband would be a really good dad, I'm SO glad he doesn't want to be one. He's great with sharing the workload of our pets, but the bottom line is their health care falls on me. I know with kids it would be even more so - he might do some of the "heavy lifting" but the general maintenance would be all mine.

Plus I just can't get past the diapers, the puking, the fevers, the stitches, the crying, day care, school problems... The only part of that that stops is the diapers - the rest is with you forever. And the worry of having teenagers: drugs/drinking/sex/etc. I would be a nervous flippin' wreck.

Purplegirl, I'm like you. When I try to picture myself as a mother, it just doesn't happen. I can't imagine having a little child at my side, being completely responsible 24/7 for a little human being. Even looking at baby clothes makes me itchy. When I have to find a baby shower gift, I usually get a gift card, because I can't handle 5 minutes in a baby store!

Plus I have a husband who is very busy with his own activities, and he would be absent much of the time and I would be left with kid care most of the time. He doesn't want children either, so it works out well. Dogs are so much easier, and that's what I tell people! It's much easier to find dog care than kid care, and you can always board a dog at a kennel if you have to!

Cindy

Cookiecody - I know what you mean about the baby clothes, when I need to buy for a friend it's usually a soft toy (which I like the excuse to look at) or clothing in the baby Department of a Supermarket so I can move onto something else. I always buy something for the Mum as well - toiletries or chocolates, they always say "that's nice, nobody else has got me anything" - That makes me even more convinced. You have flu you get flowers - you push something the size of a melon out of your delicate bits and you get nothing!

You're right about the dog thing. We have two cats and 3 guinea pigs at the moment. I want a dog "to complete the family" hubby wants to wait and get a puppy and kitten at the same time (I have a feeling he wants to wait until we lose some of our current pets though). Now THAT'S EXCITING! Puppies are lovely and get better behaved as they get older....

You're not at all the only one in this situation! This describes me exactly. Only problem, I'm 37 and the time has come to decide. I wish I could give you some words of advice, but I'm really confused too. I feel differently from one day to the next. Besides time and money, one of my biggest reasons for not wanting to do it are fears that I'll get a difficult kid. If I hang around with nice kids, I'm ready to jump on the bandwagon. But they're not all like that, and there's no going back once you do it. It's a gamble I guess.

Wow! That's such an awesome point! If I ever stop avoiding the cutesy baby showers (can't stand them!), I'll buy gifts for the mom, too!