BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids undecided

I know I am fairly young, going to be 29 in march, but Im still undecided on kids. All of my friends feel strongly one way or the other. I just cant decide. On one hand I worry about the expense, the change in my relationship, the work, the loss of time to do exactly what I want etc., the effect on my beloved pets. on the other hand I like kids, I love babies, I work with kids and enjoy it, I dont mind diapers, and I worry I will regret not having kids when Im older. My husband doesnt feel we need to decided yet and is neutral on the issue. I want to think he is right but I feel like I should know what I want. One day I want kids and the next I dont. I try not to think about it, but there is always someone wiht an adorable baby (I know some people dont think babies are cute but I do), or someone who has chosen not to have kids, or someone who asks when/if Ill have kids and I start thinking again. Am I the only one in this situation!?! Argh!

Tubby,

At least you're giving it a lot of thought. That puts you way ahead of the game. You've got time...keep working it through.

Cheers

Elise

Kids definitely change your life. I only wanted to adopt and never planned to have biological children. Now I have two and can't imagine life without them. I wonder how we were together for so long without them. I look back and our lives seemed so empty before these amazing people joined us!!

I think it's great that you're weighing all your options.

I should add although I like the younger kids Im not to crazy about older ones like 9 and up. Also I cannot bare the thought of pregnancy

Hi, I have the same problem with you. I am still considering if I should have a baby. And when is the right time to have one. I am just over 31. Some people say it is gonna be late if I still can not decide. For work, I just got a new start of my job, we built up a small company last year. And for family, we have to take care of two solitary mothers, my mom and mother in law. It almost occupies all of our free time. So for me, I really want a baby, but I can't do it now, even can't decide for the coming next year. What can I do?

Tubby: I was also undecided for quite a long time. What made me decide was that I started helping a friend with her recently-adopted baby. I cared for her a couple of times per month and one weekend sleep-over. Caring for her showed me conclusively that I would not be a good mother and would not be able to keep up with the large amounts of time that have to be devoted to a child, the large expense and many of the other routine duties of motherhood.

I also sat down one day and imagined my life with an infant, a toddler, a pre-teen, a teen and an adult. I never wanted children until I turned 42 and then I went on this frenzied quest to have a child, and when that did not work, to adopt. What I realized after all of that was, I did not REALLY want to be a mother, but thought that it was something that I SHOULD do because time was running out. Since I was starting late, that would mean like many of my friends who started in their 40's, I would have a teenager in my 60's and that did it for me. I want to retire at a reasonable age and I'd have to continue working with a child still at home.

Now I have entered into a new phase where I absolutely know that my life is perfect and complete where it is and feel strongly that I made the right decision for ME.

I know how difficult "undecided" can be. The answer will come to you eventually and whatever route you take you can be at ease that you made the right decision for YOU.

I have to say that this week when I have the whole holiday week off, Im a teacher, and I can do whatever I want and have a kid break while the teachers I know with kids have to run around entertaning their kid has made me really happy i dont have kids. Im not decided for sure though yet. Ive decided not to worry about running out of time though, if I get too old ill adopt.

Yeah Tubby,

I guess I am sort of in the same boat. Let me explain. I have thought since I was 10 yrs old that I in no way wanted any part of pregnancy, raising children, etc. I am 31 now and for the most part my feelings have not waivered but I am married and my husband would like at least one. There is a very small part of me that wonders from time to time if it might not be as bad as I have previously thought it would be. I grew up around a lot of low life people whose children never amounted to much and I guess I do have a somewhat skewed perception although I do think DH has a somewhat skewed perception toward the positive side of parenting. I have always thought it would be horrible and he thinks it would be wonderful. Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle. Anyway all this is to say I have always considered myself very pro CF. But there is a tiny side to me that once in a while tries to understand the positive side and ask myself if it would really be as awful as I have believed for the last 21 years. I guess since I am getting closer to 35 there is a also a small part of me that wonders if I will regret not having a child when I am older. I know that there is no guarantee that a child will take care of you when you are old but I come from a very small family and don't speak to a lot of them so if anything ever happened to DH, sure I would have friends but really not a lot of family members. I know that children are not a guarantee that you will be taken care of in old age but there is a better chance of it. Although, i know this is not really a good reason to have a child.
Anyway, like i said this is just a tiny part of me that has starting to question lately. However, i still do not find myself with an overwhelming urge to have a baby (biological clocking is not ticking) and i keep getting back to the fact that i really do not like kids or teenagers much at all. So, yes to answer your question I am a little confused too.

Don't Stress over this issue. I just turned 32 and the majority of my friends don't have kids and are still undecided, the right decision for you will come. I myself have 2 childen and wouldn't change it for the world. The day they were born was better then my wedding day, it's the day I felt unconditional love. And if you decide you don't want kids, that's o.k., they are ALOT of work, you don't want to do something you'll regret later. Good luck.

Thanks for your support. I have been trying hard not to think about it and have decided for now to enjoy the freedom that comes with not having kids and then when and if I feel the urge Ill have them.