BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Anyone else have this happen?

A friend of mine had a son at the beginning of October. I visited once by myself, and my husband and I visited together the day after Thanksgiving. I was just there this week, just me again, and had a nice meal with her and her husband and the baby...who is fine as far as babies go so not a big deal.

What seems strange to me is that she keeps wanting all four of us to get together - me and her and the husbands (well, and usually the kid too) - every time she and I talk about hanging out. Before they had the baby, the four of us went out maybe once every 6 weeks together. I would see her, just the two of us, maybe once a month.

Her husband is a nice guy, but not the most talkative and my husband just doesn't have a lot in common with him, so I don't make them hang out a lot. When I was over this last time to visit her, her husband was with us the whole time! Now I can understand him eating dinner with us, but you'd think he'd take the kid and go into another room or something so me and my friend could have some girl time.

Anybody else notice that their friends with children suddenly want to do all this family/couple stuff a lot more? Do you find that you hang out less one-on-one?

I think that they want to do family/coupley stuff more often, because that's what they are now. A family.

I can see how that can be frustrating, or upsetting, however it makes you feel. But I guess when people decide to get married and/or have kids, it does make it more challenging to keep those one-on-one friendships alive. It requires babysitters and what not. Which is easily done for some people, but I guess their mind set shifts to family mode.

If you want to spend more time with her, and just her, maybe you guys could plan one evening a month for a girls night out. I'm sure the husband wouldn't mind taking the baby for an evening.

I think when people start having children, ya know, you can still keep those one-on-one friendships but instead of it being whenever you want, now it has to be planned.

I have the 'husbands with little in common' problem with a couple of friends. He's also got a couple of friends who have partners I have nothing in common with. Either one is lame and awkward.

I haven't had quite this experience involving a baby, though. Then again, I've only got one friend with a baby. My big concern is I sometimes feel she expects me to want to babysit someday. She's known all along that I've never wanted to be a parent and I've been dropping semi-subtle hints lately that taking care of children has never appealed to me. I don't want to be rude and hurtful, but I also don't want to babysit.

LALA Said: I think that they want to do family/coupley stuff more often, because that's what they are now. A family.



It is saying things like the above that tick me off. So they were not a "family" until they shot out a kid, is that it? I get sick and tired of childfree couples not being called a "family". They were a family before and after they had that child.

That struck me as well, Fiddle.

I can see your point about calling a friend to go shopping (where with a kid, either the kid comes along or childcare has to be arranged). But I don't think planning is that big of an issue. For an entire evening out or weekend away, etc. most people have to plan to some extent, regardless of their CF/childed status. I, for one, am a big planner. I have to be for my rabbits - they can't stay by themselves like cats, and I don't want someone unfamiliar with rabbit care to watch them, so it usually falls to my mom. Plus I like to get things on my calendar as early as possible just so I don't obligate myself in two places at one time.

I have more of an issue with the one-on-one+kid time (vs one-on-one) where everything revolves around the kid(s) in tow. I'd much prefer a pre-planned all-adult visit than an impromptu outing spent chasing someone's toddler.

I did not mean to intend that couples without children aren't a family. My husband and I are a family and we don't have kids.

I meant that to THEM specifically they are now a complete family (IN THEIR MINDS).

Couples who don't have kids are still a family... and their family is complete that way.

It's just that when you decide to have kids, your mind does shift from couple to couple + kid. They aren't just the 2 of them anymore. They have more responsiblity than they used to. And especially when the child is a baby, and toddler, the family revolves around the child! And I guess because that's their home life, it can be a little difficult to not think or talk about it when the child isn't there. Sure, not everyone wants to hear story after story about baby, but when that's what their life is, I can see why they wouldn't have much else to talk about for a period of time. Especially when it's new and exciting to them.

I've known people with and without kids, that when they get a pet or a new car, or a new job, or something big and exciting has happened in their life, that's all they talk about for quite awhile. Stories over and over, and things you really don't care about - but because that's something big in their life that they spend most of their time around or doing, and it's soemthing that is new and exciting, and makes them happy, they will talk about it to almost everyone.

Lots of people plan things whether they have kids or not, or whether they have pets or not, but with a child (or certain pets) there is a bit more planning involved compared to someone who does not have kids or pets. Whether it's for lunch, or a weekend getaway - if it's meant to be one-on-one - there is a bit more planning involved.

I am wondering if maybe your friend might be a little afraid of losing you as a friend because she has a child and you don't? I had a friend actually say to me once she was afraid noone (of us child free couples) would want to spend time with her and her hubby now that they have a child. Maybe that's what's going on with your friend...she may be a little insecure with your friendship. Just a thought.

Good thoughts here...amykitty, I think that is part of it, that my friend is feeling a little insecure. She said she always thought of herself as a "career girl" and now she is "just" a SAHM...so I think she is going through an adjustment in terms of how she views herself. And I am probably a wee bit insecure that she'll think less of me because I'm NOT having kids. So I think the whole thing is just kind of a transition for both of us.

I agree that she and her husband are a little more housebound these days, because the baby is still pretty young, so I can see how they would want us to come over. Maybe her hubby isn't seeing his friends as much either and is also looking for some social interaction. Well, I will just keep in touch with her and just see how it goes!