BellaOnline Forums Health and Fitness Mental Health Bi-polar

Hi babak...

No problem <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, my dad lives alone. He takes care of himself really... we (the family) are all there to support him though.

I am 62 years ols so the best bit of my life is over so i dont mind looking after my aquired brain damaged son,but advise his brother and sister not to get to involved in his life. it is not fair for a child or sibling to have to try to look after these loved people, they take over your life its impossible to ever do or be enough for them. love him, do what you can for him butget on with your own life

Unfortunately, my uncle had already been very involved in my dads life, and now their relationship is almost non-existant. My dad has recently started going to a class for one of his addictions. I speak to him a few days a week now, and have been seeing him once a week lately. He seems to be doing okay. But really there is not much for me to do for him except to listen when he needs to talk.

I am so sorry that you are going through such a rough time with your dad.

Is he taking his medication? Many psychotropic medications are only effective for about 4 months. You might want to talk to his doctor about this problem. Maybe they can change his meds.

Another thing is spirituality. I do not know what your beliefs are and I certainly do not want to offend you, but I strongly recommend that you get in touch with your spiritual life and have your father do the same. It might sound ridiculous to you, but I'm telling you....it can work wonders.

Thank you Diamond... When my dad went back to church and began praying and reading the Bible again, his life changed for the better for about a year. But for the last 4 or 5 months he's slowly slipped away from it. I pray everyday that we both can get back into that mode.

As far as his medication goes, I assume he's taking it. He says he is. He also tells me when his doctor makes some changes with his meds. But sometimes I am suspicious that he may not be taking them, or that the dosage is not correct. I do not have his doctors contact information, although I could get it if I needed to. I wonder if there's anyway I can know forsure if he is taking his meds correctly and consistently, other than asking him. No one lives with him, so it's kind of hard to keep an eye on that.

I just came across the posting of your father. I began to cry because I have experienced the same thing but with my fiance of almost 9 years. From the beginning he was always verbally abusive towards my son from a previous marriage. Two years ago he began to cheat on me with a couple of people, and I was pregnant at the time. He had no regard for my safety and health or his unborn baby. I broke it off with him and he moved on to yet another woman. 3 months later he asked for my help and he saw a doctor for bipolar and depression. I took him back and all had been going well until this October. I could tell things weren't right and that he was going downhill again. Funny how you explained it in the same way. He wouldn't listen to me though as usual. He started getting angry towards me again and blaming me for everything. He started not taking care of himself, not showering for 3 to 5 days at a time and not taking his lithium regularly. I just found out on Thursday that he has been seeing someone else. He has denied sleeping with her but I know better from experience. I know him better than he knows himself and it's funny how I can pick up on everything and he is oblivious to it all. Well this new person happens to be my 7 year old's kindegarten teacher from last year. Yeah I know, what's her problem? It's her thing to date married men, which I just found out also. It makes me so sick to think that he could do this to us again after we have tried to be so supportive of him. I also just found out that one of the women he slept with in 2005 had his baby! What a blow that was. Our daughter was born in July of 05 and has down syndrome. She spent 10 days in the NICU and he hardly visited her because he was too busy sleeping with this other woman, which I didn't know about at the time. It hurts me to be cheated on once again but it hurts more that these kids have to go through this again, especially since she just learned to say daddy and she worships him.

I feel like I am at a point that I just cannot do this anymore. I have told him to move out but he won't leave. I have to evict him and it's so hard to live with him and see him every day knowing that he is seeing someone else.

I also just came across a site on SAD which I knew nothing about. My sister had jokingly asked me yesterday if it was his time of year. Apparently it is for bipolar and SAD people. I told him about it this morning and he started to tear up and asked me why I didn't stop this. Like I didn't try to help him! This isn't my fault and I won't take the blame. I don't know how to help someone that won't let me. Ok, now I can't stop crying. I told myself I will get through this again if not for anyone but these kids of ours. I woke up feeling good this morning even though I only sleep a couple of hours a night anymore. Now I am back to tears and can't stop crying. I thought I hated him and never wanted to see him again. Guess what? I just discovered for myself that I still love him. I never thought I would say that to anyone, let alone a stranger.

I am sorry for such a long babbling email but thank you for your posting. No I haven't decided to take him back, he has just hurt me too much. This other woman says she doesn't want him either. Nice thing for her to do....ruin a family when she knew what we had already been through....then walk away like it's no skin off her nose. What kind of people are there in this cruel cruel world? Especially one that is teaching our children?

Thanks again and God bless you in your life.

Hi Sherry,

Thanks for posting. I know how hard it is to have to deal with someone like this, especially someone you love.

My mom had to deal with him cheating on her except she knew nothing about it for 8 years. Turns out he did it during work hours so how would she know? He told her 8 years later and continued to cheat. Not that it makes it okay, but learning about my dad's addictions, habits, and mental state I can see why he did that. Some people may argue this, but I don't believe that my dad was one of those men who cheated because he was an a** I mean, he wasn't the kind of guy who was proud of his cheating, he never thought my mom deserved it, ya know? In fact he was ashamed of it. He was embarrassed by it. He hated himself for it. He wanted to end his life because of it. He loved my mom. He adored her. (and still does... he's been kickin himself in the a** for the last 20 years for what he did to her) And he didn't want to be that way. But he had no control in his life, over anything. His addictions were so strong and controlling that it's like HE didn't exist, his addictions ran his life. It still doesn't make any of it ok. And he is still responisible for his actions, however, I know that if he had the help early enough, if he knew why he was like this, if he learned how to gain control, he wouldn't have been like that. My dad is a very caring and loving individual. And he would never purposely do something with the intent of hurting someone.

Man, my dad could write a book on his life. It's such a long story that starts when he was 4 years old. It's just so hard to get into if you don't know him personally. The things he went through in his childhood were awful and could very well be what shaped his life for the last 48 years. I know he is full of pain. I know very much about my dads life and I feel for him.

But like you said "I don't know how to help someone who wont let me" The thing is Sherry, as awful as it is, You can't help someone who doesn't want the help. And it's rough, and draining to stand by and watch someone go through this, and all the unloving things they put you and others through. But when it comes down to it, they are human. They are hurting too. They don't like being the way they are. They just don't know how to change it. Meds and therapy works to an extent but the unfortunate thing is, those things don't "cure" it. All YOU can do, is protect yourself. Be there for him as much as you can with out it hurting you. And if that means cutting him out of your life, then maybe that's something to consider. I'm glad to hear you say "This isn't my fault and I won't take the blame" That's a wonderful thing to remind yourself of because It's NOT your fault. But it seems like people who suffer from Bi-polar tend to be manipulative, and like to guilt trip people. Sometimes my dad doesn't even realize he's doing it. He'll try to get his way through humour, but I can see right through it and it's him trying to be sneaky about whatever it is.

Anyways, I could talk about this for hours and hours, but again it's really hard to when you don't know him like I do (or at all lol)

All I can say is make sure you take care of you. I know it's hard. I know it's difficult and I know it's draining to deal with someone like that. But losing sleep over it isn't going to help. If you are really struggling with your sleep, or emotions or anything about this, remember that you can talk to a councellor, or your doctor too. Not that you need it, but I think that anyone who has to deal with a person with a mental illness should make sure they are mentally stable themselves, because of how stressful it is. I don't know much you know about bi-polar, but you should definitely read up about it. I read about it online all the time. I always learn something new, and it helps me be able to understand my dad. I realized if there's anything I can do to help him, it's just to try and understand what he's going through.

You can message me anytime if you want to talk. Take care of yourself, and thank you for posting too.

Thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement. I have read alot of information online and in books but it seems that I will never be able to know enough about it to help him. Reading about it is one thing but living it is quite another. The pain he has put us through makes it hard to understand sometimes how he can do these things over and over. I know he may not realize everything that he is doing but I have to believe that he still knows right from wrong and that the medication was working. When you have the solution to the problem why would you stop taking the medication for it? Why would he throw his life with me and the kids away for someone that doesn't want him anyway? That's when I start thinking that he doesn't love me but he says he still does.

I know he doesn't like being sick and being on meds but he knows I loved him unconditionally and would have stuck by him through all of it except the cheating. That pain is beyond belief to think someone you love more than anything could be with other people. As you can tell, I do believe he was my true soulmate.

Thanks again.

lala, I have bipolar and I have done the same things your father has. I do pay very good attention to how people treat me and it does affect me, even though it seems I'm not paying attention. What I'm trying to say is DON'T GIVE UP! Keep on him and let him see your efforts. Never give up. I am slowly growing and changing and I believe your father will come to the realization that he wants to take some sort of control. Oh, it is a slow process, but not being there for him will only make matters worse.
LisaLove

I think that it would be a good idea to have your Dads doctor's contact information handy because when he goes downhill and needs help- the doctor can take blood-tests and see if your Dads psychotropic medications need adjusting, then you'll know for sure if he's taking them or not because blood-tests don't lie!

Then maybe the three of you can map out treatment options for your Dad that might include his attending a Psychosocial Rehabilitation Program (Sometimes called Community Counseling Services or Day Treatment Program.) throughout the week, they have lots of interesting groups he can attend and he'll get a case manager & other mental health workers will be there to help him as well. He'll also socialize with others like himself and hopefully, make friends with his peers and have cool staff members to talk to as well.

Any kind of a" Day Program," is also good for people with severe mental illness because it gives us a place to go to frequently and provided us with some some structure. Some people also work part-time in the community AND attend these centers to fill up the rest of their time effectively and pleasantly.

I think it's extremely admirable that you support, love & care for your Dad as deeply & as much as it seems you do. As someone who has bipolar herself, I can truly say that these treatment options have helped me over the years and it's a wonderful thing when family still cares about the disabled/mentally ill person in their family and that they make themselves available to help their family members out when their moods are flipping and flapping around as if in a very powerful gust of wind that snaps up the flag and violently whips it back and forth on the flag-pole, the sturdy cloth flaps hard and whips about helplessly in sometimes gale-force winds that change directions as often as our bipolar moods do until they FINALLY die down and the mentally ill person feels better, & whomever is left of their family and friends after their latest episode, stand together again and all is well, until the next time, of course.

Not one person is immune to the negative effects mental illness has on the people around us, none of us wants to purposely hurt, anger or shame anyone in our families, and of course, we don't want to do that to ourselves as well. Not one of us can prevent these crazy bipolar cycles or stop them once they've started. These are some reasons why family & friends give up, or WANT TO give up, on their loved-one(s). At times it just seems to be too much already! Too hard to handle, too negative and too hopelessly in-curable, seemingly untreatable and too difficult to deal with when you have family of your own, etc. to attend to.

Fortunately, there are lots of "Parents & Friends" (of the mentally ill daughters/sons/brothers/sisters, etc. too.) Meetings all over the state. My parents go to one through the Psychosocial Rehabilitation Program I go to, and they love it! It really helps them to have people to relate to about me and the problems & moods I go through that adversely affect them and now they don't feel so alone anymore. Support groups are great things to get involved with for everyone involved, especially educational ones. And if NAMI's involved- they will be very educational and
very good meetings.

I hope that this helps you and gives you a little hope for your Dads and your futures. Hope to hear from you, BeReal.