BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Ever worry about being alone

I dont want to step on toes with this--cause I know worry about being alone is not reason enough to have a kid, but I do have some worries about it. I have a coworker who i am friends with who is in her 60s. She travels a lot and has hobbies, but seems lonely: she has told me she is and she often emails calls me and others from work and seems desperate for a conversation at work. She had a great marriage and really loved her husband who died a several years ago, she still speaks of him a lot. She has had sleeping problems since he died. She had no kids by choice and is happy with that choice as it afforded her time to travel. She has sort of encouraged me not to have kids, Im undecided. She also told me though she feels that in a way her brother who had kids "had a richer life" because he had experiences and memories she did not have. She says she does not regret not having kids though. I know worry about loneliness is a foolish reason to have kids, but I do wonder what I would do if my husband died and we never had kids. I have no brothers and sisters and am not close to cousins or anything. My husband family is also small and we are not close to anyone but his parents. I have friends but most of my close friends live far away and are occupied with their own family. I know companionship is not a reason not to hve kids, and kids are guaranteed to be your companions, but if my husband were to die and we had no kids Id be left with no family. This scares me a little.

Tubby,

The only child thing (i.e., you are one) is cause for reflection...my brothers are very important to me, since I'm estranged from both of my parents (my dad was just neglectful of me from the time he separated from my mom when I was age 2; my mom is an unrepentant, myopic narcissist and I cut contact with her over a year ago. So there goes the "becoming a parent = companionship in old age" addage...).

Sounds like your friend misses her husband --- period. At whatever point she feels ready, she should think about getting out and meeting new people (platonically or otherwise). I'm certain he would have wanted her to be happy, not pine away for him after his death.

re: her brother, her statement goes both ways. Due to her travel, etc., she has had experiences *he* hasn't had, as well. Again: it's all a tradeoff, just like everything else. The question is which side of the question one comes down on, given one's priorities and values.

Elise

you know the saying "it takes a village to raise a child"? well that village needs to care for all its residents. young, old, rich, poor. all of us need to care for each other.

it is something i worry about. i'm terrified of being alone. i think for most people, it's human nature. it's how we're made.

however, we have to make the effort. this woman you know is making the effort. let her reach out and you reach out and help her. spend time with her. be the kid she didn't have. or the friend she needs right now.

i have a friend with 2 kids and 1 on the way, and she's always worried about money. she and i have a joke that she's worried that someday she'll be eating cat food, and i'm worried that someday i'll be my own cats' food. lol. her fear is being poor. my fear is dying alone and no one ever finding me. which would suck because my plan is to donate my body to research, and if the cats have taken care of things, well, i dont' think the scientists will get much use of me.

there was a news story about a year ago here. an elderly couple with no kids was featured. apparently the husband had a stroke, and the wife was going to call 911, but she fell while she was getting to the phone. she was injured pretty badly, and he was paralyzed from the stroke. there was no one to check on them. they were active in the neighborhood, and the neighbors realized it had been a day or 2 since they had seen them in the front yard or talked to them. so they knocked on the door. no answer. they called the police, explained the situation, and the police came and broke into the house and found the couple in the bedroom on the floor. they were in their 80s and at that point, things were critical. but they survived thanks to their neighbors.

i think if we do what we can to make a difference in our community now, that we will have someone there for us when we're older. i always encourage my students to go to nursing homes during the christmas holidays and during summer break because some of the people don't have family to visit them and a visit from a teen might cheer them up. only a few have followed through, but that's more than none.

try not to worry. get involved in your community. don't abandon your friends. you might need them later.

(((hugs))) i do understand you fear. i'll never forget the time i was at a family reunion and a family member said, "but who will be at your funeral when you die if you don't have kids?" this family member didn't realize that i was having surgery the next morning, and there was a big possibility i would be waking up without a uterus (we were still trying to get pregnant at that time) and was terrified. i told her, "i hope i've made a difference in someone's life. friends, coworkers, anyone you've influenced, aren't they allowed to attend the funerals too?" and then i ran to the bathroom to cry. <img src="/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Awww, Holles, don't let that relative talking about "who will be at your funeral" get you down. Having kids is no guarantee that a) they will come to your funeral or b) that even if they do, that they will truly miss you. My husband and I went to his grandfather's funeral in August. He beat his wife and three kids (one of whom was my husband's father) for years on end, then later in life became a devout Christian (supposedly). By the time he died he had been senile many years.

So we all go to the funeral and everyone's acting like they miss the SOB when really they're just looking forward to the inheritance money (which wasn't a lot, but seemed like a lot to most of my husband's deadbeat relatives). At one point the pastor asked if anyone wanted to share some "fond memories" of their father or granddad, and NO ONE said anything. It was a really awkward silence.

Hmm...so what is my point? Well, this was an extreme case, as the guy was just an a**hole, but his kids certainly weren't standing there feeling sorry. And really, it's not like he was going to know if they were there or not.

I say, reach out to others, stay involved in life, and you will have lots of people to spend your later years with. And you will know that those people are staying with you because they WANT to, and not out of guilt because they are "family" and that's what you do.

I totally agree with the concept of a village - or community, friends, church, whatever - taking care of each other. I have a friend, 50+, divorced, no kids, who is finding new importance in her relationships with her siblings and their children. She has said that in the next few years, she will be moving back to her hometown to be closer to them. I guess that's how I look at it - we are active in the lives of our extended family and have a great (and very diverse) circle of friends. We choose to stay close to them - sometimes it's more effort on our part because they are busy with kids, etc. but in the end, we think it's worth it.

You are not alone in this fear. I went through a period of time when I worried about being alone. Then I thought of parents who have kids who end up in jail, or who die before their parents or who simply just cut ties with their parents. This made me realize that there are definitely no gurantees and you can't rely on your children to take care of you. HUGS to you - don't worry, everything will work out!

I definitely agree that having kids because you don't want "to be alone" is a bad idea. There are definitely no guarantees that your kids would be around for you - they will have lives of their own and it may or may not include time for their parents.
My mom lives 12 hours away from me, and I don't plan on moving near her just so I can see her more often. Also, even if I did live near her, I would not see her every day... I have a full time job and a life of my own to live.
If you are worried about being alone, make lots of friends. Join clubs. Take classes at the local community college. You will meet lots of nice people that you can spend time with.
If you are worried about dying and nobody finding you... find a buddy who you can talk to on the phone each day at a pre-arranged time. You can both look out for each other.
My grandmother lived alone, and she had arranged with a neighbour that she would move a plant in her window when she went to bed each night, and when she got up in the morning (she did the same for her neighbour)... The neighbour would know something was wrong if the plant was not moved.
Anyways... I guess what I'm saying is that you don't need kids... you need friends. Friends will also understand you more than your kids. (wow I SURE don't understand or have anything in common with my mother).

I think this is something all CF people think about from time to time for many years. You just have to stay active in your community, be involved. I just adore old people. Maybe that's why God made me to not care to be around children as much. I volunteer one day a month at the seniors center (I also volunteer with the kids through our county twice monthly, so I spread the wealth so to speak). Their eyes light up and so do mine, when I see them all.

I think our society gets so wrapped up in children that they forget the old people. As long as there are people like me around who love old folks and don't abandon them - and of course, good insurance - , I think we'll be fine. I love hearing their stories and many tell me how they have 4, 5, 6, or more children, but they don't visit them at all, or very rarely. But they show off pictures of them all the time, and their grandchildren of course. What a heartache that must be.

Tubs, I think you're thinking of all the important things: but like bonsai said, it's a trade off. Because hard as though many women try, you just can't have it all.

Fire

If you think having a child will keep you from being alone just watch the movie "About Schmidt". I love that movie. It is sad, but it always makes me think about my life and my choices.

Having children does not guarantee that you will not be alone in old age. It all depends upon your relationship with your child. You won't be able to force your child to want to grow up and have a close relationship with you. You and your child may not have anything in common. It is a risk. We don't have to be alone though. We can always get out there and make friends and socialize.

I don't worry about being a lone, i just worry about being lonely ;o(