BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting frustrated with soon to be step kids

I am not sure where to even begin... I am just venting at this point. I am getting married soon and we have isssues with his young adult children. I'll give a little background. I have 3 kids who are with me 4 days a week, he has 3 kids, one is with us 2 days a week, the others blow in for visits every now and then. My soon to be is very guilty about dirupting their lives. They view me as the other women, no matter how many times we explain I was not the reason he left home,but they say I am the reason he didn't come back. They have out and out disrespected me verbally and through emails to their father. When they do come over I feel like a stranger in my own house. We are all courteous to each other, but it is fake and strained. Their dad would like them over every week to just hang out, and wants me to cook dinner ( which comes with serving them and cleaning up). I have done this up, but now am getting resentful of not only them but him as well. They are spoiled, unmannered, and immature. We are going to therapy together and working everyday to try to ease their visits. They only call him when they need money or a free meal.When they are with him it drives me crazy as to how disrspectful they are to him. They talk down to him and even make fun of him. He tolerates it due to his guilt. Now they will all be there for the up coming holidays and I am dreading it. I try to make the best of it and I try to keep my feelings inside and now i just want to scream. How does anyone out there handle similar situations. Trust me when I tell you I just gave you a very brief overview.. I could go on for days.

Sorry hun.....But "You teach people how to treat you". You have to tell him this, because if not, it will shatter what you have.
Tell him, tell them. It can't make things any worse...If his loyalties are divided, that's a problem for him to deal with, but you have to tell people where you stand - and what you won't stand. If not, it will go on.
Every storm blows over eventually, and the fall out can be cleared up...Look at the tsunami - Look at New Orleans. if they rise form the ashes - so can you.

Sadly, yours is a common dilemma. A few weeks ago, I wrote an article about manipulative adult stepchildren. Here is the link: http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art23185.asp.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, please pay special attention to the book I recommend at the end of the article. It's called Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward, PhD., and it would be an EXCELLENT resource for both you and your soon-to-be husband.

I agree that we teach people how to treat us. Your fianc� has taught his children that it's okay to not only disrespect him, but also you. You can stand up for yourself to a certain degree, but he really is the one who has to recognize what is happening and then to change it. And the sooner the better!

He needs to realize that no amount of coddling and catering to these spoiled "adults" will make up for lost time. They are no longer minor children but adults who behave like kids. Others live up to our expectations of them, too. Obviously, he expects them to dish out the punishment he deserves. I would say that he has allowed the roles to switch. They�re now the parents and he�s the child. That�s the dynamic you�re witnessing when they�re blatantly disrespecting him. Talk about emasculating!

You probably aren't going to like what I'm about to say, but you should consider waiting to marry until your man has had the epiphany of what his children are doing. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, just realistic. If you think it's bad now...DOUBLE the frustration after you marry! You may think that marriage will make it better, but believe me, it won't do anything but give these "kids" a new goal in life--to destroy that marriage.

Your fianc� simply has to get his head out of the sand. He left their mother, for whatever reason, and now they're blaming you (and disrespecting him). If he allows this to continue, it will only get worse, and worse, and worse. Is that what you really want for your life and your kids?

Children (even manipulative, interfering, immature adult children) are a major reason that remarriages fail. Your soon-to-be husband needs to make you a priority in his life. If that means that he demands his adult kids act like adults around him and you, then so be it.

You can't MAKE him do the right thing, but you can control what YOU do until that time. There are many second wives out there who feel like you, and have been relegated to lower than a servant in their own home.

The sad fact is, once these "kids" succeed at taking an inch, they'll grab a mile. Many a second wife has even been excluded from having Christmas with her husband because his children refused to see him if she were there. Only you can answer if you're willing to take that chance, or not.

I'm glad that you and he are in counseling. That's a good start. Maybe it'll help your fianc� to see the light soon.

Thanks for the replies. We are finally starting to work together. We have a long way to go,but we are trying. Wish me well...tonight they are all coming for dinner and to celebrate Channaka. Tonight will help me decide if they are invited for Christmas. It depends on how they behave. They have been warned by their father that I will tolerate nothing but the utmost respect for everyone!! Lately I have been very vocal on what MY expectaions are. I did buy that Emotional Blackmail book as a gift for my fiance for Channaka. I showed him your article...bot did it strike home!! He is very interested in the book. The good news is he is willing to work together to make things different. It will just take time,and alot of frustrating moments.