BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids "Coming Out"

I've told my family I wasn't planning on having children for years, but it was in a "I don't want any at this time," kind of way. I was told I'd change my mind but found that it never happened. My husband and I have now made this decision official with sterilization.

He told his parents about his surgery and they've been o.k. with it, although I know they're a bit disappointed. I don't think the surgery is the business of my family, but I plan to convey that our decision is firm and final so they can digest the information and move on. I was able to weave this into a discussion with my stepmother the other day and I'm sure it's traveled to my father by now. I hope to do the same with my mother and stepfather.

What are your experiences with this? I was wondering if this 'coming out' is the norm, or do most people demonstrate by their actions only?

Hi BG,

"I'm not planning on having children" is a lot different from "I'm planning not to have children".

I was in the "maybe, later, someday" camp, but never putting kids into even the 5-year plan (rather, putting off any real, serious thinking about the subject while still remaining societally correct), until I was 30. Then, after meeting a staunchy CF new friend and starting to frequent online support groups, the scares fell from my eyes and I was able to say what I'd always felt: I like kids (well, older kids), but I don't want to live the life of a parent. Back then (10 years ago), it seemed revolutionary; now, it's old hat!

Elise

Hi Bass: I am the one who got sterilized instead of my husband, but only my mom and dad know, and a friend. At my age, everyone has finally stopped pestering me about it so I don't have to embarass them by bluntly telling them I had myself sterilized.

More people know on this forum then in my personal life. The way I see it, what's the point in bringing it up unless you need to use that weapon in your arsenal for personal defense? I would not, however have any trouble whatsoever in telling someone should the need arise.

Fire

Im young so Im not sure about this. What about saying nothing and just waiting until you get older and everyone will kinda figure it out. I always say maybe when people ask me about kids and thats how I really feel. My husband thinks that if we decide not to have htem people will just stop asking as we get older.

I had to laugh when I read the title of your post. My Brother-In-Law "outed" me to his entire family!! I was not too happy he did it but now I am relieved. Three months after DH and I were married his mother gave me some knitted baby booties for X-mas which I promptly tried to give away but I didn't say much at the time.
Fast forward 2 years...DH and BIL were on a family trip (I could not make it due to work schedule) and I guess the topic of babies came up, their sister has FOUR children so it comes up often. Anyway, sister and MIL started asking when DH and I were going to have one. I guess BIL nearly spit out his drink because he found it very amusing (the idea of me with a kid) and I guess he made it quite clear to them that I have no interest in having children EVER! Like I said, I was a little upset with him for "outing" me when I wasn't even there to say anything for myself. Sort of like I wanted to be the one to make that announcement. But now I am glad it is out in the open! I don't think I will be getting anymore "baby" gifts for the holidays!

My parents, sister, and close friends know that DH and I are definitely not having kids, as does his family. I tend to be a little less adamant with other people. I just let them think whatever they want and go about my merry way. It doesn't seem worth getting into it with people I don't know very well.

That being said, if I was really pushed by someone, if they really pestered me, I'd just come out and say that we're not having kids because it's not for us and leave it at that.

I think part of the reason why we don't get pushed as much as some of you is because my husband has muscular dystrophy and uses a wheelchair. I think people make assumptions that we CAN'T have kids because they see the chair. Whatever...people are always making assumptions about you for something....

Thanks for responding!

I was actually more concerned with my immediate family. Bonsai nailed it -- there's a difference between telling them you're not planning on having children and telling them you are definitely not having children. I just want them to know for sure so they'll quit hoping I'll 'come around.'

My friends already know where I stand and I don't tend to discuss these types of issues in detail with acquaintances.

My entire family knows that nothing is "Coming Out" of me....HEE HEE!!

DH and I never catch any slack from anyone.

Lynn K I cannot believe your MIL gave you baby booties that is NUTS! I havent really firmly decided about kids and may have one but baby booties as a gift are insane, unless their a baby shower present. I would really ask why did you give me these? If someone gave me baby booties. Its just nuts, I thinks its best they know you are not having kids becuase obviously they are a little to invested and intersted in your reproductive status. Sorry to be harsh, but thats just crazy.

Honestly? I don't think it's anyone's business but your own (and your husband's, of course).

Are they (your family, in-laws, etc.) going to:
-Carry the baby to term?
-Go through labor?
-Spend sleepless nights trying to comfort a bawling baby?
-Clean up poopy diapers?
-Financially support the child (food, shelter, medical costs, tuition or other school costs, clothing, etc.)?
-Do all of the things involved in raising the kid (discipline, help with homework, shuttling them around from one activity to another, putting up with mood swings, temper tantrums, etc.)?
-Go through the aggravation of the teenage years (sleepless nights waiting for them to come home, worry about whether or not they are having sex, doing drugs, drinking, keeping up with their grades, getting along with their peers without getting into the wrong crowd, etc.)?
-Pay for the child to go to college?
-Worry, worry, worry that that the kid turns out all right?

Granted, some grandparents, aunts, uncles get very involved. But the brunt of the work is on YOU, so what business is it of theirs?

All of that said, I was very clear BEFORE we got married that I wasn't having children. Both families knew because I never wanted them from the start. His mom and dad (and some of his sisters and SIL's) thought for sure that I'd change my mind. I think they got the picture now. Not that it's any of their business.

Once in awhile, his dad will mention that he'd like us to produce grandchildren. I go through the same reasons with him as above. And then we start talking about overpopulation. My husband is the last of eight kids. They have almost 30 grandkids. What possible reason could they have for wanting more? Don't they think they've done enough to (OVER)populate the world?