BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Considering Separation

My husband and I are so different. We have two beautiful children. We met in high school and were extremely different then and it seems that over the years that gap has continued to widen.

While we agree on big issues like religion, politics, and child-rearing, we clash on day to day things. There has been no infidelity but there have been some really hurt feelings. I don't think it's more his fault than mine. I'm beginning to think that maybe we are not meant to be together. It's like we get on each other's nerves most of the time and I don't want my kids growing up with parents who argue all the time.

The one thing my husband and I have in common is growing up in chaotic families. I feel strongly about not continuing that pattern and have read every self-help book and many marriage books. It seems that we have a few good days and then we are bickering again.

It's not a question about love because there's definitely love for one another, but we are so different and have so very little in common...I'm wondering if a trial separation would give us some perspective.

From what I read though, separation is about as involved as divorce, including paperwork, etc..Obviously it would be a huge disruption for our children. I'm wondering if maybe there's a way for us to work things out without actually getting separated.

When I try to talk to him about things, he gets upset because he's one of those guys who "turns off" when he feels criticized. In other words, there's no sitting down and having an intelligent conversation with him. It ends up escalating--I think this is from his childhood. We have a marriage DVD set but we haven't finished it. We went to a bit of counseling last year and it helped a bit, but we quit because we thought we could continue it on our own.

If you've read this far, thanks for listening. This is not a case of abuse or infidelity. It's a case of a 30 year old woman wondering whether or not love is enough...Wondering whether or not two people who don't get along so much of the time are really meant to stay married. I certainly don't want to wait until my kids are grown and then get divorced when I'm 45 if it's still not working.

So for those of you who are divorced, how did you know when it was time? Did you get separated first?

BIG mistake. Huge!! So many people think they can do it on their own.... as you have proved, this is simply not the case.
Go back to counselling.



Got divorced when I was 50! Best thing I ever did!!

I was dying of boredom and everything was dull, repetitive and stagnant.
Found myself a new partner, a new job and I've never been happier!

Yes, we've thought about going back but now we're on a different insurance plan and we have no coverage. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> As for getting divorced when you're 50, I just meant that we've already been together 12 years and I don't want it to be another 20 years down the road when we finally split up if that's what we're going to do eventually, you know?

How does anyone know what they're going to do 'eventually'?
If anyone had told me two years ago I was going to go down this route (let alone 12 years ago!) I wouldn't have believed it!

The fact that you now can't afford counselling due to a change of insurance plan is a bit rich... pardon the pun....
So your marriage is assessed on a financial value....?
Surely if it seemed that important to you, you'd find a way...?

The bottom line is - only you can decide what to do...But it sounds to me, from your posts, as if you actually do want to get out, but need a nudge from someone else (like us on here) to give you the impetus.

leave him.


















Scary, huh?

Ah, but it's not an excuse. What I'm saying is that we really don't have the money to go to counseling without insurance covering it. I'm a full-time mother. We live on one income.

Getting separated would be a huge challenge for us financially if I want to continue to be home with my children (which I do). And of course then there is the even more important factor--the effect it would have on my 4 year old and 1 year old.

As for wanting to get out, I think it's obvious that I don't want "out" since I'm not asking about divorce. I am asking about separation and wondering whether or not anyone has experienced it and whether or not it helped. Sure, it's the first step towards divorce, but some couples are able to take time apart and then reconcile, correct?

I'll look into counseling again but we really don't have any extra $$ for it. Counseling is pricey--at least in our neck of the woods.

What is it you want?

What is it you want from your partner?

What are your chances of achieving either in your current predicament?

What would you ideally do about it?


What does you partner want?

What does your partner want from you?

How would he go about achieving both?

I actually just found a really helpful article online that I'm going to share with him tonight.

http://www.divorcecentral.com/lifeline/decision.html

About your questions, I want someone I can talk to about issues in life. Someone that will have a conversation with me about the War in Iraq or whatever. I love to read and would LOVE to be able to discuss a book with him. I feel like the fact we have so little in common and such totally different communication styles is what has led to our bickering.

We also had an instance last year where he spent a large sum of $ without consulting me. Normally, we would talk about a large purchase. There have been missed anniversaries, birthdays, even Christmas. he's just not the "type" to be romantic, etc. We've been together for 12 years and, while we have never broken up, we have always been totally different and it's been work to stay together.

Maybe we're both just really exhausted since it's been this way for so long.

As for what he wants, he would say for me to not criticize or complain. He thinks if I say anything about my feelings then I am criticizing him. As for what I want, I would like a connection with him on more of an intellectual level. And of course I would like to see us get along without having to try so hard.

What a huge scary major life decision you're facing! You seem to be wisely considering all aspects and angles -- the kids, money, the future, communication. And you're not making a hasty decision, which is good.

I haven't had any personal experience with separation, but I do think the separation itself doesn't solve problems. It's what you learn in the separation, what you learn about yourself, him, and the relationship that could make or break the marriage. This is awkward because we're complete strangers, but based on your post I'd suggest staying together and finding a way to continue counseling or keep doing the marriage DVD. I think it's totally normal to feel restless in marriage -- marriage is hard! - but separating may cause more problems than it solves.

Is there a Social Services organization that offers free counseling?

The future is impossible to predict. It's impossible to make a decision now - say, to separate - because you may end up divorced in 15 years anyway. Most people wouldn't marry if they considered that option!

You said both of you grew up in a chaotic household. Your impulse to separate may be some inclination towards that, towards chaos and change, because that's what you grew up with. (some psychologists believe we relive our childhoods in many ways with our partners)

If you do decide to separate, maybe you could minimize the disruption for the kids by focusing on how to deal with change in a healthy way: lots of talking, expressing feelings, keeping the routine the same as much as possible, seeing dad regularly.

Just a few thoughts -- the decision can only be yours.

Shoot..I just wrote a long response and someone lost it.

I'll be quick. It is very important that my children grow up without conflict. I agree with Dr. Phil that it's better for kids to be from a broken home than live in one.

I do think that there's more my husband and I can do to make our marriage work, but part of me wonders if we are just too different (which is why I posted). I have a master's degree and plans to get more degrees in the future. He has his high school diploma and works as an automotive technician. We just have very little to talk about, and it's always been like this. I see this looking back.

When we met in high school, we were very different but you know opposites attract. Then I went to college and he started working. We got married after college even though we had argued a lot and continued to experience conflict through the years. We had kids and the bickering continued--even thought we didn't do it in front of the kids. I am the type who wants to watch CNN while he wants to watch shows about cars.

We've very different regarding our interests and communication styles, and I think some of this comes from our education.

Geez...it's so confusing. Thanks again for your response. I'm going to show him that article from divorcecentral.com and see if he wants to talk about it. I brought up separation last night and asked if we could talk about it and he seemed like he gave up and asked what the point was. But I know he does not want to get separated, but he's stubborn and will act like he doesn't care.

We spent about 2 hours tonight talking. I'm feeling pretty good about the direction our relationship seems to be going in. We've committed to an action plan and will be meeting to discuss our progress every Wednesday evening after the kids are asleep.

Thanks again to everyone who responded.