BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships need your advice please

I have been with the same man for about 3 1/2 years. There is no physical abuse (been there before but not with him). We have had a difficult relationship the entire time. I am now working between 70 and 80 hours per week, which leaves little time to spend with him. What little time I have with him seems to be spent with atleast one day of the weekend with him angry. He is already an angry person as he is physically disabled and in much pain most of the time. I am almost 40 and have been divorced twice prior to this relationship. I would really like this to work, butI am finding this difficult with an angry mate. He is angry that I am not home enough, but when I am home we can't seem to have 2 consecutive days of peace. I have a problem as well. I have not been interested in sex in about 10 months. This is most unlike me up to this point. I have tried to explain to him that it is very difficult to be sexually attracted to someone that is angry a good portion of the time, not to mention that I have been working these hours since July and am very tired. He doesn't understand and now this morning will not speak to me at all. This is an onging cycle. I have been alone before, but I was holding high hopes for this relationship.
I can also say that I am growing very weary of this relationship dymanic, and this makes me very sad as well. I can now financially support myself on my own, but somehow am very sad. I really do not want to loose this relationship, but at the same time I am tired of this problem. I have no friends to speak of here, so I am seeking your advice. Please give me your advice as I am most unhappy and do not know where to go next; and with the holidays here, I am feeling very alone. Please help.... <img src="/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/images/graemlins/wall.gif" alt="" />

It's not love, it's need. You don't WANT this relationship, you're addicted to the togetherness.
Leave.
It's not healthy for either one of you.

Hi Gingersma,
It sounds like although you want a relationship (whether really with this man or not is a different matter) you don't really have time for one right now. Some people are by nature or by experience angry people <img src="/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />. However, these folks are not usually improved in mood when their partner has little time for them. So some of this might be understandable on his part, but truthfully, I don't think is sounds like spending 24-7 with this guy would help entirely. You are also probably tired. Tired people aren't usually at their sexiest <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. Mind you, getting yourself psyched for some bed time together might help matters enormously between the two of you. If that doesn't even make your heart go pitty pat <img src="/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />, it's likely you feel deep down that you don't need the extra work he represents in your life now. Sad, but true. Why not consider putting yourself first for a while? Get a little place for just you where you know when you go home after work you won't have to face a fight. Invite the people you want to see into your home for friendship and fun, and find someone to date for a little romantic thrill. Sounds very nice, doesn't it? <img src="/images/graemlins/queen.gif" alt="" /> Good luck.

You said you were divorced twice before. But you didn't mention whether you were actually married this time. It sounded more like you were not. I'm not judging. Trust me, I'd be the last to do that. But I agree, sometimes you want to be in love, or need a relationship for your own reasons. And sometimes you want it so much you jump in too soon. I can't say enough about taking your time and letting a relationship grow the old fashioned way. I drowned quite a few times before I realized it is okay to start in the kiddy pool and slowly work your way into deeper water. The idea about thinking of yourself for a while is valid. Make friends. Real friends. People with the hearts of those you meet online, but with the flesh and blood to go with it. They are out there, but you need to make some time to meet them. I wish you the very best. Keep us informed as to how you are doing. People here at Bella do care.

Gingersmama,

I just turned 40 and am feeling similarly in that I've been in a relationship that is growing old and I feel that the time has come to move on. 40 seems to be an age where one assesses where they've been and where they're going and it sounds as though you're ready to go somewhere else. Your partner's situation sounds very sad, but he is ultimately responsible for his path in life and you for yours. The ladies have sound advice for you - your are BUSY and sex at times has to play a secondary role, put yourself first, and if the connection is gone, then move on. This is often difficult to do, but I know that for me it's going to be worthwhile.

Last, but not least, it sounds like you don't really have a support system right now. This makes breaking up even harder. Have you thought about making time to see a therapist, who may be able to help you through this?

it looks like you are somewhat isolated as you say that you dont have any friends to speak of, maybe you try and join a club or hobby group together this would give you some friends and give your partner something to take his mind of his disability and pain, it would also give you an interest to share.
maybe he feels angry as he cant support you and be the main bread winner. if all this fails then when you get the chance sit down quietly together and explain to him that his anger and behaviour towards you is making you unable to want to be close with him, try to tell him in as calm a way as possible that although you dont want to, that unless things can change between you then you feel that you would have to leave. I hope this helps.

Any relationship is never preferable to being alone.

Peace of mind trumps accomodating someone who disrupts it and won't seek therapy on their own to resolve their issues.

You need to examine the reasons why you'd rather accomodate an angry man rather than live on your own, by yourself for an undetermined length of time til a better mate comes into your life. Even if you make every change to accomodate him, that is no guarantee that he won't find something else to be angry with you. His anger probably stems from his disability and limitations, not because of you. That is why he needs to be in therapy--nothing will get resolved until he gets effective therapy--and that should not be placed on your shoulders to carry.

Anger is a manifestation of unhappiness. Whether your mate is angry with himself or with you, he should not vent his anger toward you regardless. I believe you should have an open talk with your mate and try to come to some type of common ground. If your mate is not agreeable to this or refuses to change then you will either have to accept him and your relationship as they are (for he is not going to change) or move on to someone new.

Furthermore, as I know, being alone is very hard but let me assure you that being alone is preferable to a relationship that is not reciprocal.

Best of luck, please let me know if you have any questions....