BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Manipulative Adult Step Children

I could use some advice.

Four yrs ago, I (47) married a wonderful man (59), both our second marriage. He has an adult child (now 25), who lives in another state. Although his daughter is a beautiful young woman, she is very manipulative and only contacts him, or returns calls when she needs/wants something...like money, buying a car, ent assistance, etc. We don't see her very often, maybe a few times :confused a year, when we go to visit her.

Her manipulative behavior extends to her relationships with men she dates/lives with. She was engaged, living with a niceguy, but broke up and moved away to HI for a month, and an interest in a new guy.. Homesick, she moved back, begged the ex-fiance to take her back, which he surprisingly did. She just ditch him again due to a new love interest.

She took 5 years to complete com. college, and dabbles at a job, because the boyfriend was supporting her.

Problem: She's coming to visit for Thanksgiving for 7 days, and I'm dreading the visit, and watching the manipulative behavior unfold. I'm really trying to "steel" myself for this one. Advice on getting through this visit?

I'm not too ... Well, let's say.. Im still a bit immature to this world. I am 20, and I have older parents (45 mother and 47 step father) My step father, great guy, has a good family, 3 kids. 2 daughters and 1 son. His son is a good fellow, not too bright on the world yet still learning like I am, he makes poor choices with money but holds his own with his job. His eldest daughter left young with a boy at the age of 17, got pregnate, is now 25 with 3 children herself. His youngest daughter, who is 18 now.. Is quite the anomaly. She tried the same thing her older sister tried, and failed. She did not get pregnate, her boyfriend did not sweep her away.. Now she lives with this guy off of my mother's and step father's money. She harldy works, and my parents support her.

My mother hates the fact that she leeches the family, I can tell, but she is too nice to admit it. SO she sets up boundaries.. If you're in school and you hold a job, we'll give you help when you NEED it, not WANT it.

This is all just.. Story.. The fact of it is, my mother deals with it by putting herself in front, saying here I am.. I know whats going on, I wont let it go without notice or without struggle, so you do things for yourself and we'll help as well. If you give me a bad attitude, we'll have a family conversation about it.

I dont know, but from my views. I say be upfront, dont be afraid to speak or show your knowledge of the situation. My mom is a very strong woman, as I am sure you are as well. So dont let her run your household with fear. You and your husband are the protectors of your domain. YOU BOTH. So why dont you BOTH, LIVE through this visit <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And learn from it. Speak to your daughter in law about concerns in her life and what you can do to really help her in what areas she NEED not just wants <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I dont know if My advice is adaquate, Im still young, but I hope it helps a bit!

In my opinion, to deal with manipulative people, you should first try to analyze the manipulation and then never react emotionally. Be logical and no body can manipulate you.

Asking for money may be her substitute for true attention. You didn't indicate whether your husband was divorced or widowed. Often times fathers in situations such as divorce substitute money for affection/attention. If at every turn Dad was there providing money for every whim during her youth, she's going to carry the habit into adulthood. We reap what we sow.

If Dad wants the situation to change, then Dad has to make the effort to change it.

I also think it's very important to share your fears with your husband, but it's equally important that you use language that doesn't make him feel as if he has to choose between you and his daughter.
Voice your fears and concerns, and tell him you're worried she may be leaning on him in a way that may ask more of him than he can give.

See what he comes back with.
On the basis of that, you can either work together - or at the very least tell him what you can put up with, from your own perspctive, and what you feel infringes your relationship with him.

Good luck.

"I also think it's very important to share your fears with your husband, but it's equally important that you use language that doesn't make him feel as if he has to choose between you and his daughter.
Voice your fears and concerns, and tell him you're worried she may be leaning on him in a way that may ask more of him than he can give."

I would agree, with one proviso. If Dad still doesn't think there's an issue after the discussion takes place, then there is no issue--at least not for anyone but you. Then, as Alexandra stated, you have to figure out where you're going to draw your line, if you draw one at all.

Lynn, you are very, very right. If Dad still doesn't think there's an issue after the discussion, there isn't one - at least for no one but the step mom and she should either let it go, or set reasonable boundaries where it comes to sharing her home or financial resources. My step son is a manipulator. His dad knows this, but still has to deal with a parent's desire to help their kids do better- usually out of guilt or grief. In most step families, it's wise to remember that the relationship a kid has with his/her bioparent is primary. If dad and daughter have it worked out between them, stepmom doesn't have to like it, but can let go and let them deal with it.
I am not comfortable when my stepson comes home for a stretch. I don't trust him and find the whole visit stressful. However, for my husband's sake, I am warm and welcoming, hospitable- a good host. But when he is home, I just give the two of them space and do my own thing. It is understood between my husband and I though, that these visits will not end up longterm - that would be beyond my limits! And we agree upon what financial limits we have when it comes to situations where we anticipate being asked for help. I would expect the same if it were on my daughters' behalf. And AdamC- good advice! Thanks for your perspective. I'd like to be a mom like your mom obviously is. Trishh

Once again you have received some good advice. I hope this week has gone well. With only a few days till Thanksgiving, I assume she's already there. Adult children all have their own ways. WE have some - my husband's kids - who come to the state for a visit with one relative or another and basically tell us where they will be and when, that if we want to see them, that's where we can do it. Trust me, that wears thin, too. I am not good at biting my tongue. So, if you gain some insight after this week, perhaps you should share it with me. I'll pray for you. Hope all goes well.