BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Let's turn the tables

Exactly, Fearless. Two years ago, 6-kid-coworker's wife had a miscarriage (would have been #5), which he told me about FOURTEEN times. Seriously. I counted. The first time, I was genuinely "I'm sorry. Is your wife okay?" etc. However, it became obvious he was fishing for some sort of confession about why I don't have kids. Like I would reveal some deep secret that I'd had five miscarriages, couldn't have kids, or something along those lines (like I would share that with him). I found THAT really, really offensive.

Well, I understand you asking this question because you're tired of being questioned yourself. But it's quite wrong of people to question and judge you. Some people ask out of pure conversation - which is fine and I try not to activate any hot buttons in myself as a reflex to being asked the same old question - I mean they could just be curious. But If someone is sneeringly asking you why you don't have children then they are imposing their belief system on you. I don't think it has that much to do with you, as it has to do with them and their own issues and life. When asked this question before by someone clearly looking at me like I was crazy not to like kids or animals..I would say - "They're just not for me." and when pressured further I'd say "Everyone's different... I can see YOU like them, but they're just not for me." End of discussion. People usually never pressure me further - perhaps it's me and the way I say things - I'm polite, but definitive on the matter - what else is there to say really?
I wouldn't really go into all the details because there's no right or wrong. Everyone got their own opinion and I'm not going to try to explain my lack of maternal instinct on the matter...it is what it is - that's like trying to explain why you don't like chocolate - something universally loved. I mean if you don't like it, you don't like it. But I can see why people are so baffled on the subject because THEY can't imagine their life without say kids, animals, chocolate whatever else seems the norm. I don't really get upset about people living in their own box - I'm sure I'm guilty of that to some degree - no one's perfect.
Anyway...so on to the question. Why have kids..well somewhere along the way...I changed my mind. I still didn't like kids when I made this decision, but we started to think we wanted a family. 8 years of being married something changed and we started to want a family and thought we could do a good job. We thought long and hard on the subject. And although we were both scared of the baby/toddler thing and losing our wonderful life...we started to think we'd enjoy a family. So I think it was for purely selfish reasons...we did it for ourselves. We started to look for the positives of the situation to get us through the fear. We thought we were financially ready, built a beautiful home, I'd be able to stay at home, we had a great marriage and could fill the home with love, we both had the exact same philosophies about parenting and there would be no conflict. Even with all those positives - IT WAS HARD. Being a anti-kid person for so long - my baby was the first baby I have ever held in my life. VERY STRANGE. I learned - I grew. Love didn't happen right away, but when it did I could feel my Grinch's heart grow. I didn't think I could have the capacity to love a baby. But thank goodness it did. I am completely happy. I love it. I love them. Who knows what the future will bring. But it doesn't matter really, I can just hope for the best. And again, I think I'm being selfish - they bring ME so much joy. It's HARD work of course. To some degree you have to not be selfish to take care of something/someone else - but they give me more - so I'm really doing it for myself too. I can now understand the love of animals thing too. I'm not going out to get one, but now I do understand. I have a friend who has a horse and I just couldn't see before all that WORK. And now I see - it's like her baby. She LOVES this horse. And now I understand her shoveling poop and all the other stuff she does. I have always said NO to any type of pet in my house. I have said NEVER. But who knows...never say never right? Ha ha. I continue to surprise myself. Well, this is my journey. Having kids or not is just a personal choice. The only person it needs to make sense to is you.

I wish I'd had the experience of never been prodded and probed about not having children. Thankfully, most people my age now have teens or pre-teens and think I'm the smartest person they know for opting not too. Unfortuntely, most people are judgemental. I don't know where it comes from, but it happens on all levels not just child-free. It's a sad state all over. If only Utopia existed, wouldn't it be nice to live a place where people respected your personal choices rather than throwing stones.
I suppose we can dream.

Wow! I never realized that it was a very sensitive subject, and that many people are judged that way about it. I really had no idea! But I'm glad that now I do know.

But I can also say that being on the opposite side of the table (one who wants kids one day) I've also been treated the way you guys describe by some people. People have asked me if I want kids, I say yes, and they tell me that it will absolutely ruin my life and that it's an absolute nightmare and that I should really reconsider. And I've also had people ask that now that I am married why aren't I pregnant yet. As if they expect it just because I am now married. Even when I was in the midst of getting married, people would look at me as if I were nuts or something. And I had ex-coworkers who actually told me never to get married, to call it off. Why? Just because hers didn't work out?? I don't know. Or people saying "GOOOOD LUCK!" sarcastically, but still seriously.

I think many people are judgemental towards both sides of the table on this subject. So looking back on comments that have been made to myself, I do understand the frustration. Unfortunately, many of the human race are judgemental in some way. Not that it makes it okay, but we all just have to try our best not to be. Everyone's life is different. Everyone makes different choices. That's life.

really thought about have a kids. i only 24 years old. maybe i will thouht it after 5years .

1.

I'm still thinking...


Without listing any reasons why I would've wanted them, I'd just like to say that I am so glad I lived in a country where I had a choice.

it's hard to explain why i wanted children. very hard. i just feel like there's a huge hole in my soul sometimes. i wanted kids so badly it physically hurt. but sometimes life goes a direction different from what you planned.

i'm blessed, truly. however, i still want children. it's just something that is never going to happen, and i have to learn to move past the pain and accept the life i have and count the blessings i've been given already. i've got a lot more than most women. i'm very fortunate. there's just that one thing missing. and there's nothing else i can do about it because we've done all we were able. life goes on. i have to move on. can't just sit here like a rock beside the road.

Oh yes, they do! Some couple believe in the "quiverfull" concept. If you don't know what that is, Google it, it's too long for me to explain. In a nutshell, you use no birth control of any kind, and have faith that God will provide for your family. It's not uncommon for them to have 9, 10 kids. Better them than me. ha.

Wow! What happened to this topic? I saw a couple parents come forth with a reasonable answer to a reasonably curious asker, and then it blew up and there was a bunch of stuff I skipped through!

I am childfree myself but I have asked others I know (or overheard them) give their reasons for having kids:

My mom says she "really wanted" me and my sister. I think she was lonely, because at that time she was living in a strange city away from her family, with her (relatively) new husband. She also sometimes says she wants us to be her friends.

My aunt and uncle who are the religiously convicted kind say that having a big family is a great thing and instills certain values in children. They are also so obedient to the Catholic church, they feel they cannot disobey the order to avoid birth control -- meaning, they might have stopped two or three kids ago, but they feel they are not allowed to do that. (Poor people...no one else should have control over a couple's reproductive decisions.)

I hear "oopses" from a lot of people. A long-distance friend of mine is having one because doctors told her she was unable to have children, so she didn't use birth control.

My best friend talks a lot about how she's having kids someday. I still am not exactly sure why, but I think for her it's a mixture of things. She comes from a big extended family who puts all their emphasis on family...they are truly so kind about it, there is really no pressure there. But I think they would be dissappointed if one of the family didn't marry off and have a kid for all the grownups to dote on. And my friend doesn't have the heart to do that to them. Also, because the family is so important, she feels she has to continue the family line.

On the darker side of things, I have heard many a time of a woman "oopsing" on birth control to manipulate a man into marrying her or taking care of her. I sincerely hope these are only rumors. I'd like to think people are really more reasonable than that.

On the brighter side of things, I have heard of people who didn't know they wanted kids until they had them, and when they had them, decided they really wanted them.* So it's a happy ending! A good friend of mine married a woman who came into the relationship pregnant with another man's child. (To the best of my knowledge, this was an oops, because she had been told by doctors that she couldn't have children.) The thought of having children terrified him, but he stuck with his wife because he wanted to help her through it. Then when the kid came, even though it wasn't his, he totally fell in love with it. Was it the miracle of someone created out of nothing? Was it knowing he held someone's entire life in his hands? Who knows? But he has really made me proud. He is truly a father to that child, in the most unselfish way.

Most of all, the reason people seem to give for having kids is that they just want to. Which is really the same reason that CFers give for being childfree - we just want to. And that's fine by me. People should do what they want! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


*disclaimer: this is not any kind of evidence that CFers will change their minds. (we hear that all the time.) It's evidence of the resiliency of the human spirit when confronted with exacerbating circumstances.