BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Confusion during intimacy

My husband and I are working thru the aftermath of his emotional affairs and his physical affair that dominated our lives 2 years ago, for most of 2004. Before his affairs, he would often "talk" during our intimate times about other women. I thought he was just being "bad", doing fantasy talk, but after awhile, it dominated most of the times and most of the time we were together intimately. I would ask for him to stop, he wouldn't, I would get upset and ask for us to stop the act, but he would say that he loves me and that we are together, and he wouldn't stop the act--even if I tried to push him away. Usually he would apologize for his behavior.

He's getting better, but still insists on "talking" too much sometimes. And he sometimes likes the idea of overpowering me, making me upset, or creeping me out.

Is it just me? Am I taking this too seriously sometimes? There are times things are great between us. There are also times that are great between us and he does something or says something to intentionally get me upset. I am really confused.

I think this is somewhat abusive to our relationship, and it definitely makes me enjoy the act less much of the time.

I am not interested in getting divorced or separated, but I would like to get rid of this issue. Any advice on how I can get him to really see that I am not happy when he does this and that he is ruining something that had the potential to be great?

Thanks!

I think that saying that this is somewhat of an abusive relationship is an under statement. I think the first step lies in you acknowledging that. You have to listen to your inner voice. Regardless if you are in a relationship, married or having a one night stand, if you say STOP, well that is pretty self explanatory. The only thing you can do is change how you respond to him. If you do not respect yourself, he will not either. You cannot be successful in making him see what he is doing to you, if you continue to allow him to treat you the way he is. You are more then your relationship, and I mean that in a positive way, so why allow him to creep you out, dominate you and upset you?
The change has to begin with you.

Your husband has serious control issues. Domination, subjugation and power are his aphrodisiacs,and exercising them during the most intimate, close and sexual times of your being together is his way of mastering complete control.
Dreadful as it may sound to you, the sexual act itself is of secondary importance to him...

He needs to see someone professional now.
Please believe me.
You may not wish to consider separation or divorce, but ultimately, this situation could destroy everything anyway.

Please seek counselling.

You are being raped by your husband! He could be charged with a crime just as any other rapist.

It is rape. No is no, married or not. Sex between two people who love and respect each other is beautiful. He is degrading you and the act.

He needs counseling and so do you. I would advise separate counseling.

Please get help.