BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Lets leave this forum

"You're obviously proud of your Polish heritage...A lot of black folks use the "N" word among each other, almost as a term of endearment. But if a white person uses it, it takes on an *entirely* different tone and is generally extremely unwelcome.

It's a question of embracing onself vs. labelling others..."


I'm a polack and proud of it! <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I agree about the N word...I consider it worse and more vulgar than any curse word, because it reminds us of a horrible, horrible time that never should have happened, when humans treated other humans like animals. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I actually ask people not to use the word, it bothers me that much.


Sorry I can't comment on the other historical topics! <img src="/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />


Xantres <-----------------got nothin on history

This is cool. My heritage is German, English and Polish Jew. That's all I know of for sure. There may be some Danish, Welsh and Irish, too. typical All-American mut. The Polish/Jewish side died in a concentration camp so, while trying to maintain a reasonable sense of humor, I tend to be a tiny bit sensitive in some circumstances. History has always been one of my favorite subjects but there's so much to study, it's almost impossible to keep up.

One of the problems with allowing the use of derogatory "names" to go unchecked on a board is that there is no context (vocal inflection, past conversations, etc). Anybody can click into the middle of an ongoing discussion and find the tone and name-calling offensive whether or not that is the intention (and sometimes it is). Usually when, say, an African American calls a friend the N word, the vocal tone and frienship history make it clear how the word is intended - typed into an anonymous board the word has none of that.

Maybe I just don't get the anger that some CF people feel - I've never experienced many of the things I've read about here. My husband and I have been married 4 years, our family and friends hardly ever ask us about children and if they do it's because it came up in conversation and it is a polite discussion. I've never experienced a situation where a child in public has annoyed me - perhaps that's because I have a lot of patience. I like children. My best friend is having her second child in a few days' time. Her two-year-old is sweet and adorable, and when we chat she tells me what he's up to because that's what's going on in her life. She's apologised to me once for harping on and on about him, but I told her I really don't mind.

That's very good point. It's so difficult to convey everything you really mean when the body langauage, vocal inflections and such are missing.

I don't get the anger, either, nor have I expererienced what others have. Somehow, I think there is usually more to a situation than what is told on a board, but, again, the non-verbal language is missing.

For me, the CF board thing isn't about anger or impatience. I just think it's important for there to be a space (a lot of them, actually) for people who are considering the choice to ask questions, air their opinions, and just be in the company of people who've chosen similarly, etc.

My own upbringing was so skewed towards the "of COURSE you'll have kids...everyone does..." socialization; my mom was always telling us how having kids was the best thing she ever did (I think it's true, but she also gave up an exciting, beloved career overseas and came home at 26, in the mid-1950s, scared to death of surpassing her expiration date and becoming an "old maid". She met my dad and was married within 6 months; they weren't even friends. He was just the "right kind of guy"; he had the ivy league degree, etc....was it a choice, really? For her, back then, I would say it was pretty knee-jerk, actually.)

She actually told me a few years ago that my dad hadn't even wanted kids, and had said as much. He ended up with five of them (between his two marriages). Unreal. At least he'd spoken up about it --- but back then, I don't think it was really a choice.

So with that background, it took me a long time to unpack all of the issues and actually try to examine what my own feelings were. Just bringing it into my consciousness was an accomplishment; it had always been the "maybe, later, someday" rationalization.

The usenet group alt.support.childfree was a real beacon for me around the time I turned 30 and was really looking at the whole question. After I became more comfortable with the decision, a.s.c. became kind of superfluous to me, because (as has been mentioned) there is a *lot* of bile over there in addition to the support.

I find this board to be a lot calmer, while simultaneously keeping the "support" level high for anyone who's in the "questioning" phase. Further, it seems to be much more focused on the female perspective --- and let's face it, CF issues fall disproportionately on women. I appreciate it, everyone!

Elise

You made some good points, bonsai. Discussion and support don't necessarily mean vitriol and hate. It was never a major thing with me about not having kids. It was a gradual realization that I didn't have to conform but had a choice in what I wanted to do. the only person who ever gave me grief was my mother and I've always thought she was a classic example of someone who should never have had children. For most women in the 1950's and earlier, there wasn't much to choose from outside of marriage and children. I'm forever grateful that has changed. I don't begrudge or belittle anyone who chooses differently. In fact, if someone truly wants children and those children make them happy, I'm happy for them. After all, if we were all the same, wouldn't life be an utter and complete drag?

Post deleted by WaterLily3422

[color:"orange"]Edited by management for TOS violations[/color]

Wow...I go to the gym and return to find out that Katja made 5 posts inside of 15 minutes!

And now they've all been TOS'd! Whoa!

Katja --- I really hope you'll find a spot that suits you out in unmoderated-land. There really are a lot of great sites out there.

Everybody else...thanks for weathering this bumpy part of the road re: MNK. I've seen it happen before, except in the past, it's always been people on unmoderated groups being told to go seek out a moderated one (because they were offended by the no-holds-barred tone). This is the other way 'round.

Chinese curse: May you live in interesting times. 8^)

Elise

Wow, I'm gone for a couple of weeks and I come back to find everything has imploded and that this is no longer a board for childfree, but for the "lawlz, im cf b/c me and my husband dont have kids yet" group.

And the kicker? It's because a couple of people are oh-so-offended by words on the Internet. Good grief. Who are these thin-skinned people? Why did they feel the need to run to Mommy instead of speaking up and getting an explanation from the established members of the board?

So now everything (including the word "bad") is censored? Sorry, but there are such things as good and bad parents. Parents who neglect, ignore, abuse, and refuse to discipline their children I would qualify as bad. Boy, do I envy the magical world they live in. And now posts that were fine and all right a month ago are now being deleted for being against TOS?

I'm saddened by these turn of events. This was a good board for like-minded people.