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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 296
Shark
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Shark
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 296 |
i'm just trying to figure out where to fit in. we're not anti-child, we didn't choose to be child-free, we don't have ill feelings toward anyone. when i saw this forum that read "married- no kids" i thought "awesome! finally a place where i can talk about things that apply to me." i didn't realize so many posts would be focused on how horrible some parents are or some kids are. that doesn't apply to me. what does apply to me are workplace issues like when people dump more and more work on me or my dh because we don't have kids. they assume we have more spare time than others. well, we don't. we have lots of responsibilities after work. i volunteer with a brain cancer organization and work at a tutoring center for disadvantaged youth when i'm not at work. however, i've had so much dumped on me in the past few months, i haven't even had time to call anyone in the cancer group to see what's going on. we have a support walk coming up, but i haven't even been able to coordinate anything because my life has been such a whirlwind due to work. when i ask a coworker to help share the load, i get "i don't have time. i have to pick up my kids." my husband travels 3-5 days a week and is rarely home nowadays because of it. he's the only one in his firm who travels. no one else is required to. he's been trying for a year now to get his supervisors to split the travel between him and someone else. they won't. i like to think it's because he's so awesome at what he does, that they won't send anyone else. but sometimes i think it's because we don't have a family, and they feel they can dump extra responsibilities on us.
so these are the kind of issues i thought this board was about. i need help with this stuff. i need someone to understand. y'all are the only people who understand because it happens to you too. i could care less if someone's kid yelled in my ear at a restaurant. i work with kids. i'm used to it. kids are loud. they're sometimes annoying. it's part of being a kid. i cringe when i think what i was like 30 years ago. kwim?
but the workplace issues bother me. the fact that we don't fit in at church hurts. i just want support with this. yes, people judge me and my husband. but we let it roll off our backs usually. not always, but most of the time.
anyway, that's just my opinion. i am not trying to offend anyone, and i hope i didn't. thanks for reading. sorry to be so long.
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 570
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 570 |
but the workplace issues bother me. the fact that we don't fit in at church hurts. i just want support with this. yes, people judge me and my husband. but we let it roll off our backs usually. not always, but most of the time.
anyway, that's just my opinion. i am not trying to offend anyone, and i hope i didn't. thanks for reading. sorry to be so long. I think it can be difficult when you have a group of people who get together around something they've chosen *not* to do (in this case, have kids). As the organizer of a Childfree Meetup that covers central New England, I can tell you that we CFs are so diverse that sometimes finding common ground can be tough. Parents always know that they have that one bedrock thing they can fall back on to talk about (their kids). As I guess we've all noticed, we have to try a little harder. But the support is worth it, for the very reason that it can be so hard to come by (you can't go to the park and pick out another CF person out of a crowd like parents --- at least the parents of young kids --- can). Appreciating this board big-time, Elise
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 235
Shark
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Shark
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 235 |
i'm just trying to figure out where to fit in. we're not anti-child, we didn't choose to be child-free, we don't have ill feelings toward anyone. when i saw this forum that read "married- no kids" i thought "awesome! finally a place where i can talk about things that apply to me." i didn't realize so many posts would be focused on how horrible some parents are or some kids are. that doesn't apply to me. holles: I think you highlight a very valid point. There is a HUGE difference between people who want children and can't have them (like you) and people who don't want kids at all. One group is often referred to as childLESS, the other as childFREE. I think a lot of the people (probably the majority) on this website are childFREE. Child free people are in general happy with their choice and they actually had a choice to make. ChildLESS people did not make a choice, they were just dealt a bad hand. So, I think childLESS people need a different type of support. AND I think that there is room for BOTH childfree and childless people on this board. Perhaps we could start a thread for childLESS on this board?? As someone who is childFREE, I don't know if I would offer the right type of support to people who want children and can't have them - but other people who are in the same situation would be able to... maybe by starting a childLESS thread you can attract others with similar issues. My best wishes to you holles... it seems wrong that some people who want children and who could offer a loving home are unable to have children, when there are lots of people having children and not providing the loving home that kids need.
Last edited by jmb; 10/26/06 08:20 AM.
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 981
BellaOnline Editor Parakeet
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OP
BellaOnline Editor Parakeet
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 981 |
This is EXACTLY what this forum is supposed to be about! People just like you are the ones who are complaining to me. And since I "went public" with these complaints, I have recieved MANY MORE. This Forum has become a place that people actually AVOID. I cannot tolerate that. Imagine how many people like you, who were so happy to find a place where they "fit in," were disappointed in what goes on here and LEFT? Now they have no support. My goal is to provide a place where people can talk about being child free, and it is not acceptable to me that people have been driven out -- maybe without even posting -- by the actions of a few. I ask all of you to check out the new rules. I am hoping it will make this place a little more tolerant and a WHOLE LOT more supportive. Kim MNK Editor (Just a note: I am not accusing you of any of the above -- I am just using your post as an example of what this Forum should be about!) i'm just trying to figure out where to fit in. we're not anti-child, we didn't choose to be child-free, we don't have ill feelings toward anyone. when i saw this forum that read "married- no kids" i thought "awesome! finally a place where i can talk about things that apply to me." i didn't realize so many posts would be focused on how horrible some parents are or some kids are. that doesn't apply to me. what does apply to me are workplace issues like when people dump more and more work on me or my dh because we don't have kids. they assume we have more spare time than others. well, we don't. we have lots of responsibilities after work. i volunteer with a brain cancer organization and work at a tutoring center for disadvantaged youth when i'm not at work. however, i've had so much dumped on me in the past few months, i haven't even had time to call anyone in the cancer group to see what's going on. we have a support walk coming up, but i haven't even been able to coordinate anything because my life has been such a whirlwind due to work. when i ask a coworker to help share the load, i get "i don't have time. i have to pick up my kids." my husband travels 3-5 days a week and is rarely home nowadays because of it. he's the only one in his firm who travels. no one else is required to. he's been trying for a year now to get his supervisors to split the travel between him and someone else. they won't. i like to think it's because he's so awesome at what he does, that they won't send anyone else. but sometimes i think it's because we don't have a family, and they feel they can dump extra responsibilities on us.
so these are the kind of issues i thought this board was about. i need help with this stuff. i need someone to understand. y'all are the only people who understand because it happens to you too. i could care less if someone's kid yelled in my ear at a restaurant. i work with kids. i'm used to it. kids are loud. they're sometimes annoying. it's part of being a kid. i cringe when i think what i was like 30 years ago. kwim?
but the workplace issues bother me. the fact that we don't fit in at church hurts. i just want support with this. yes, people judge me and my husband. but we let it roll off our backs usually. not always, but most of the time.
anyway, that's just my opinion. i am not trying to offend anyone, and i hope i didn't. thanks for reading. sorry to be so long.
Kim KenneyBellaOnline Museums EditorMy Museum Ebooks"Seek those who find your road agreeable, your personality and mind stimulating, your philosophy acceptable, and your experiences helpful. Let those who do not, seek their own kind." -Jean-Henri Fabre
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 121
Jellyfish
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Jellyfish
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 121 |
Hi everyone...I just wanted to respond to this thread by saying that I absolutely love this forum. I really do. And I feel I am entitled to my opinion, and I feel everyone else is entitled to theirs. I just wish that freedom of speech was a priority here, and that if someone didn't like what someone else said, they would tell THEM and reply to THEM. I totally understand the complaining, don't misunderstand me, but I think this should be settled within the posters.
This whole thing really disappoints me because I felt like I could...relate to some people in this forum. Now I feel like I won't be able to say some things I would normally say. Like my feelings. Also I feel now like I have to watch what I say, which is true. That's what this has come to. It's hard to find child-free sites, like one of you has said. That's why I was so happy to find this one--and a forum at that! Forums are a place to use your right, your God-given right of your freedom of speech, to talk to others. Please don't forget it!!!
Sorry to write for so long. It's just that this whole thing has me worried. It reminds me of the whole "Big Brother" thing in the book 1984. It sounds extreme, but now I know I have to sugarcoat things I say. I'm very disppointed at this. I loved this forum, and hopefully I will continue to, but this whole thing doesn't promise that.
And to the people who complained, I'm sorry you feel this way. But once you take the rights of other people away, you really will get disappointed like the others when your rights are taken away. I am NOT threatening. I just wish people could be mature and see both points of view.
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 27
Newbie
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Newbie
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 27 |
Hi, Should you wish to use profanity and say exactly what's on your mind, you can say bluntly what you think at this site: http://www.bratfree.com/index.shtmland from there there is a link to the associated website. You can also register on http://www.selfishheathens.com/ and say exactly what's on your mind.
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 981
BellaOnline Editor Parakeet
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OP
BellaOnline Editor Parakeet
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 981 |
Just to clarify...
No one's rights are being taken away. And I am not trying to create a Big Brother atmosphere here. I am trying to create a welcoming community, where all of the child free can gather and talk about issues, which CAN be done without being offensive.
The majority of the posts here are fine. I am not instituting rules to suppress the majority of you. We are talking about a few people and a few posts that I think need to be toned down a bit. Married No Kids is NOT like other sites for a reason. I don't want to see the forum degenerate into a vile, anti-child, family hating rant session. If that is what you want, you should seek shelter elsewhere.
This site is one of the few child free forums on the internet, and what makes it DIFFERENT is the tone of the messages.
I don't want people to sugarcoat their feelings and thoughts. I just don't want you to be offensive about it!
We are governed here by the larger rules of BellaOnline, and offensive postings are off-limits. I don't control that. All of you agreed to those terms when you signed up. Now it is time to live up to that. I shouldn't have let this go on as long as it has, but I was hoping the situation would resolve itself without my intervention. But instead it has gotten worse.
The people who complained did exactly as they should do. I am the moderator here, and I want to be made aware of issues in this forum. I haven't had the time or inclination to read many of the posts, and I was shocked at that this wonderful forum had turned into!
All I ask is that you respect all those who post here and read here. The growing number of (CHILD FREE) people who have told me they won't even come here anymore is greatly disturbing. I am not taking action because of one or two people. There are quite a few who don't like what this forum has become.
Kim
MNK Editor
Kim KenneyBellaOnline Museums EditorMy Museum Ebooks"Seek those who find your road agreeable, your personality and mind stimulating, your philosophy acceptable, and your experiences helpful. Let those who do not, seek their own kind." -Jean-Henri Fabre
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 138
Jellyfish
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Jellyfish
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 138 |
I'm really disappointed in the sudden Big Brother tone that's taken over this website. If somebody doesn't like what someone has to say, they need to address the issue privately with that person.
I agree with TimsGirl...I love this forum, and thought I'd found a place where I could speak my mind. I have no problem with people who have children or want children, and really feel for Holles who wants them and can't have them. But with all the pressure and lecturing I've gotten from people about having kids, there are times that those who have chosen to not have children need to vent, and that may include being critical of parents and their kids. I'm not necessarily into calling names or using profanity, and I try to present my thoughts in an intelligent, thought-out manner, but I resent these restrictions. Now, I feel more hesitant about expressing myself.
Apparently, there are thin-skinned people on this board. I'm tired of living in a PC world where being honest is a criminal act. I'm not sure what the specific message was that prompted the complaints, but I haven't felt offended by anything posted on this site. It just seems unfair that we get dumped on by people for not wanting kids, and the limited space we have to share our feelings is being watered down because people are offended.
I'm very disappointed in what's going on. If you have a problem with someone, address them, don't try and restrict other's rights to free speech. Let's behave like adullts.
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 121
Jellyfish
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Jellyfish
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 121 |
How does a person necessarily decide what is offensive and what is not? I could say that someone who said, "I love kids and everyone should have one" was offensive to me. Well, it is, but I'm not going to complain about it. I'm more mature than that. I could say something to refute that or even to prove them wrong, but whatever I think should be able to be said. If two posters want to argue about something, I believe they should be able to! But for one poster to get kicked off the forum for saying an "offensive name" is ridiculous. ANYTHING can be called offensive. Actually, this post could be called offensive because I am speaking out. And you know what? Go ahead and be offended, I understand, I get offended too. But let's grow up and deal with what other people think.
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 138
Jellyfish
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Jellyfish
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 138 |
Exactly, TimsGirl. We all have different definitions of what's offensive and what's not. But if you start restricting what can be said, it can be detrimental to these types of forums. Obviously, if you have really sensitive people lurking around the board, we're going to have to tiptoe around on eggshells. I may not always agree with what other people say, but they have a right to their opinion as do I. But I would address the person who offended me personally, and would want someone I had offended to take it up with me, not restrict everyone's freedom.
Maybe their should be a separate thread for people who decided not to have kids and those who can't. The childfree encompass a large cross-section of the world's population with a variety of backgrounds and opinions; I just think we need to bear that in mind.
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