BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Husband wants kids

In your opinion, it's not a good test because you now have some of your own. That in no way dilutes the experiences one would undoubtably encounter while borrowing, renting, using, purchasing, baby-sitting...call it what you may...a child for a week or two.

The fact that it is yours only changes one thing - YOU HAVE NO CHOICE but to care for their needs, give them baths, wash their never-ending piles of laundry, change their soiled drawers, wipe up their vomit and douche their noses. Consequently, it is human nature to downplay these types of undesirable yet unfortunate responsibilities in order that they be more palatable in our own minds.

See, those who are wise enough to first seek experience with someone elses' pro-creation/s get the true blue, unclouded, untouched, raw truth ! Can't beat real experience for making smart choices in life. Observe, listen and learn from others, that's my motto <img src="/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

*yawn*...I have a benchpress competition I have to score in the morning...time for bed

nighty-night

Fire

isoibbar - I sent you a PM.

Hello- Did I see you on another forum? I PM'd you too. Anyway, it is nice to hear from someone who didn't want kids and now realizes how happy they are with them.

lala- No, I do not know my reason for this. I never did get along with children (feel like I have nothing in common for them). I grew up spoiled, and don't like the idea of having all that responsibility in my life, and I am very happy with it just the two of us. I also love my sleep. But are all these excuses? I dont know. So I too have seeked a counselor's help. We shall see.

Sorry I have not written. I was waiting for an email to be sent to me that people replied. Guess there is no way to do that. I am just thrilled at all the great responses. I thought people here would tell me not to have children, but I appreciate your honesty and realizaton that maybe I could be a parent. Only time will tell. I will touch base again, as I still do not know where I stand, but I do think the miscarraige messed with my mind more than I would like to admit. Maybe I really do just need some more time to see where I stand. I am finally starting to feel myself again, and it feels wonderful.

I have talked to my husband about this. He has promised to help with all the work (he already cooks and cleans), and told me we can take turns at night, I can sleep in on a weekend morning if I still want to. He is a wonderful guy and I know he will help, so I am not worried all the work will fall on me. He knows I would not be happy with that. He has also told me that he is willing to not have children if that is what I really want. He says he married me for better or worse and is extremely happy with his spousel life, and would not leave me if I did not want children. That sounds great right? Yet, when I hear him say it, I feel like he loves me enough to give up the one thing he desires most in life for me. So why can't I do that for him? He is great with children and deserves them more than anyone I know.

Thanks for all the great responses!!! Pleaswe keep them coming.

Well, fireandice - I just don't agree with you. This is my opinion and I stand by what I said.
"The whole is often greater than the sum of its parts"
In the case of having someone else's kids for a while you may see some of the duties of being a parent, but those are not even all the parts - in your words you miss the choice/no choice aspect, sometimes you don't have love/bonding in your experiment, objectivity/biased etc. So your truth is in some of the parts of parenting. And your truth maybe the truth of those undesirable duties, but is it the truth of being a parent? It'd be rare to see all the parts of being a parent without being one. And even if you did get to see all the parts it sometimes doesn't equal the whole.
So for those wishing to test the waters, I would like to add a caveat to your experiment. That it may be a portion of the picture of parenting - not necessarily the whole thing. I say this from my own experience.

To rns91294
No I'm not on another CF forum. I just stumbled on this one. But I find the comments here interesting and often thought provoking and that's always good.
I use the topics here to remind other parents that there are different point of views.
Funny you should mention sleep. That was a concern of mine too. I love to sleep! I consider it one of my favorite things to do. Since I figured out the sleep issue - it's no longer a concern for me. Although I know most parents are still sleep deprived - so it's a big issue in parenting. But the responsibility - yes. It's yours and yours for life.

I am a man. So, I have a limited ability to understand what female hormones can do to a person. I feel very lucky because I have never wanted kids - in fact I avoid them when possible. It is an easy descision for me to make.

One is also lucky if they know they want them and are able to make that committment. But for you ambivalent ones, this can be torture I imagine.

I learned years ago that some women can be very secretive about wanting to bear children, so I got a vasectomy. Problem solved. Conversely, many men are rabid about having kids, have one, but then pretend they never had them afterward. Familiar? Maybe hubby is one of those.

Testify, Aredant!

Welcome --- I love your blog!

Cheers

Elise

It is the truth of a significant portion of parenting, absolutely. So, what you're suggesting is that you must have children of your own to see enough of the picture to have a good idea whether or not this is something you want to commit to? And that borrowing is not a good enough experiment? That's absurd! You're blinded by the love you have for your own child and will not accept that one can get a fantastic idea of what it would be like being a parent by borrowing someone elses.

I love my dog more than most parents love their own kids, but I'd be a d amn liar if I said you'd have to own one to know whether or not you wanted one. Borrow mine and you'll pretty much get the jest of it.

Puhlease...don't try to shove artichokes down my throat while telling me they really taste like chocolate. <img src="/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Fire

I feel for you very much--I have recently gone through a similar experience myself. Though I did not have a miscarriage...so I won't even pretend to know how you feel about that. I can say that I am sorry...even if you weren't sure that you wanted it, a miscarriage is still a death and a loss, and I think like any other death, should be properly grieved. So I definitely agree with others who have said that you should take some "time off" and allow yourself to have a little break from this stuff.

Over the course of the past three years, my husband and I tried to get pregnant over two 6-month periods, with me freaking out about having children each time. When we got married I thought I wanted kids, but when it came time to do the deed I really started to consider the day-to-day reality and discovered that, in this at least, I think I liked the idea better than the execution!

We've seen two different counselors over this time. The first one (a married woman without kids) tried to figure out what was wrong with me and suggested that even if I wasn't sure that I wanted kids, I should go along and do it because my husband wanted it so badly. My husband thought it was bad advice at the time, and I have to say he was right. The second counselor spent the first session discussing why I didn't want kids, then we focused on moving forward.

Six months later, I can say that I am in a better place with the whole decision (despite my two best friends giving birth/getting pregnant during this time). I KNOW deep inside that this is the right decision for me. Do I feel bad that I have denied my husband something he wants so badly? You bet I do, from time to time. At one point I even offered him a divorce, if he really felt that he needed to have kids to be happy. He turned me down. He says he wants to be with me more than he wants to have kids. I have to take it on faith that he means it.

We got to where we are by a LOT of talking, just the two of us, and a lot of tears (mostly on my part), and some help from outside counselors. I do think that although the second counselor was somewhat helpful, in the end it was really in our hands to talk this out and decide to move forward. Could he still leave me tomorrow? Yes. But he could leave me even if we did have kids.

You have a hard road ahead of you. But if you are honest with yourself and your husband, eventually you will reach a decision on this...it may not result in the outcome you want right now, but it will be true to who you are.

Im not sure about this but I think most people who really want kids feel a deep biological urge, not just what a cute baby. I often look at a cute baby and think oooh that does not look bad at all and picture myself with kids, but at this point for me it is just a fantasy, I dont really want to bring it to life. Things that I know I want or wanted: to marry my husband, to get a dog, to buy a house (I still dont have one) I feel a much stronger urge for. Its not maybe that would be nice, Its I need that. I have made the decision not to have kids untill I feel a very strong pull ofr one, and to never have them if I dont feel that pull. Its just too much work and the world is to overpopulated to do it unless you desperately want too. Sometimes I worry I will feel the urge when I am older and then wont be able ot have kids, but I suppose then I could explore adoption.

Hi Everyone... great commentary and input! I only have a short reply to this post. I struggled with the decision to not have kids. I went through the phase when I started to think it might be a mistake to not have kids. That is until I had someone say to me: 'if you are not 1000% SURE you want them... don't have 'em'. This made sense to me... and am now secure in my decision. Good luck with your situation.