BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Sexual abuse left me damaged...forever???

I haven't heard of anyone that has gone through what I went through although I am sure it happens. I made more mistakes in that relationship than ever in my life combined.

I used to be confident and sure of my thoughts and choices. I have always had the "broken wing syndrome" where I always think I can help people with problems. Especially self esteem promblems.

Two months into the relationship, I found a hypodermic needle in his gym bag. I merely looked down and the bag was open and there it was. It felt surreal and I somehow denied in my mind what my eyes really saw. I did not mention it to him. A couple weeks later he confessed to me that he is a steroid user. Why of all times did I feel obligated to accept him as he was? I knew him for a few years already, he was always very quiet and never showed any temper whatsoever. I knew he had confidence issues and felt sorrow for him so I understood his using. His cousin and mentor was a pro body builder who had won competitions so that was a major influence too.

I knew going into the relationship that he was a very sexual person and I didn't care because I was too. Three times a day was the minimum. So for a while that was okay, but then there were times when I would be tired (like the middle of the night) or when I was sick (puking bed-ridden type sick). He would simply remove my clothing, no matter how much I protested. That's how it started. During all other times of day, he was a great, normal boyfriend. It was so deceiving and it confused me because it felt like he loved me so much.

Then it got worse. It became more forceful and less romantic every single time, not just when I was tired or sick. He would just start pulling on me without so much as a word or a kiss. He was like an animal and he would not be stopped. At this point I was living with him (too soon I know). I lived this way for several months; Expecting to be woken up in the morning and knowing my obligation after work and before bed. I always had to go to bed when he did. To me it felt like we were more connected than any other couple because he made me think that way.

His enhanced sex drive was no doubt due to the steroids and because of them it was harder and harder for him to ejaculate. Toward the end of the relationship, he began talking during it and saying some pretty sick things. Referring to himself with other men and even calling me my best friends name. It was sick and it was mentally abusive. It made me physically ill. But still I felt stuck. He would make me think this was a normal way for a man to be. The hardest part was that I am very intelligent and usually quite strong. I was not familiar with this type of abuse and it was hard to realize it for what it was. Rape. He was raping me and mentally abusing me as well.

I was changing and didn't even know it. I always felt like I had to be doing everything right. I made a meal every night after working eight hours, going to school full time and doing my homework. I did his laundry and prepared his clothes for the following day; the kind of things I have always done for people I care about to show them I love them. I was never relaxed. I became obsessive comulsive. I couldn't sit down. I subconscously thought that if I kept busy he wouldn't bother me. That soon changed too. Interruption during my studies was not uncommon. If I tried to sit down and watch a movie, I would get so nervous that I would think of something to do and jump right back up. I became depressed and lost 25 pounds without even trying. I would have looked ok losing ten but I had become mentally ill. I went to the doctor for all the stress I was having. I broke down in the office, sobbing uncontrollably. He was not my actual physician and only wrote me a script for Xanax until I came back to see my real doctor. I began using it to sedate myself right before he got home from work so I didn't have to acknowledge what was going on. Then my Doctor put me on Zoloft.

A few days into taking the Zoloft, my boyfriend and I were going to Florida for vacation with his family. We had our own room of course. One night, we had been drinking and I wanted to leave the bar we were at. When we got back to the room, I tried to walk down to the beach for some fresh air because anxiety had hit me pretty bad at the bar. He dragged me into the room and began ripping my clothes off. I fought him more than usual and he became more forceful, shoving me down onto the bed and raping me, while calling me a slut and a whore and telling me I liked it. I fought the entire time. I was used to turning my head and crying until it was over when I didn't want him on top of me, but this time was different. Something inside me snapped. When he was finished, I bolted off the bed and was swinging. He pushed me lightly onto the bed (he never once hit me)and I sprang back up again. I did this about four times and then I really attacked. He is 6'3" and 280lbs of muscle. I am 5'3" and was 115lbs. I just kept swinging and screaming at him for treating me that way and calling me those names. It was at that moment that the irony hit me; I was now mad at him for calling me names when he had been raping me for 6 months, three times a day. I backed him into the corner and kept on swinging. I split his eyebrow and blood was everywhere. The next morning I actually felt bad. He said, "I should've left you alone". ???!!! No kidding.

About a week later was my nervous breakdown. I called my mother and told her everything. I was out of that apartment the same day along with half my belongings. The next day I got the rest of it. I thought it was over but really it had just begun. I realized that who I had been I was no longer. I was scared to be alone. I slept with the light on. Every noise sends me into an anxiety attack. I felt like everyone was staring at me and I became fearful of seeing him. Last week I was stopped at an intersection and looked to my right and found myself looking right at him. He was less than ten feet away and he saw me. He was going in the same direction as I was and I sped ahead so as not to see him or his vehicle. Then I felt like he was following me for several miles. I felt hunted and scared. It took me several hours to calm down. He had a girl with him and kept thinking how he was treating her. I feel like I should have had him arrested but I never did and now he is doing it to other women. I was out one night and turned around and was face to face with him. I lost it and became hysterical. I have frequent anxiety attacks even 18 months later. I have no self esteem at all. I feel like I am always being attacked and I relive the more tramatic moments in my sleep. I can only sleep for one or two hours at a time. I don't like leaving the house and cannot have a relationship. I am afraid to be touched and I have no desire for sex. I have lived like this too long and I have tried medicine and therapy and many other things. I apologize for the length of this post; I just wanted someone to read it and maybe relate to what I have gone through and maybe if anyone has had a similar situation, I could get some advice. I am sick of not feeling like myself and am tired of being scared all the time over every little thing.

I no longer take anti depressants because I hate all the side effects and still take Xanax a couple of times a week which is a big improvement from the 4 times a day I used to take them. I also take Ambien to sleep once in a while but I think it is addictive. I want to be able to have a normal life with a boyfriend that I actually want to touch me. I feel stupid that I let this happen to me and just want to make it better. Please help with any suggestions.

Congratulations for coming out of this torture.

Reading your story reminds me so much of myself at age 18 that I want to cry. Even your user name "BrillyantDisgize" is familiar, because when I first started with my (now) psychiatrist, he said I had one of the best "masks" he had ever seen. Because I had for so long worked at perfecting the outer facade that I projected to people and suppressing what was really inside.

I was date-raped in college by a guy that I had really liked, to make things worse I had been a virgin up until this point (at least technically, I had never had intercourse, and to me that was very important).

I did not have the months of physical and mental abuse that you had, but I did and still do suffer from clinical depression and insomnia (I too take ambien, and could not sleep w/out it). I have been on these forums for almost a year and a half and you can read a lot of my progresses made on here, as I have shared them with this wonderfully supportive community.

All this to say, yes you can heal. It takes time, a lot of help (and I would recommend at least some of it be professional AND a support group), and patience with yourself. I married soon after the initial trauma, thinking my first husband was going to be my "knight in shining armor". That was not fair to either him or myself. It put him on a pedestal that he was not capable of being on, and I was not ready for the emotional responsibiities of being in a serious relationship. I also had not told any of my family, becaues I felt they would blame me for what had happened. (I only told my father last year, and I am now 35.)

I realize my post is all over the place. I will try to collect my thoughts better and put all this together for you, but if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Thanks for responding Michelle. Unfortunately, I dreamt of all that happened in the past last night. I kept waking up and when I fell asleep again, the nightmare continued. I think it was because I wrote about it last night.

I have a roommate who is a guy and he has been a great friend through all of this. He really watches out for me and helps me to understand how I am now and what I need to do to try to be strong again. I told him about the dreams and he thinks I dream about my ex all the time because my sub conscious is trying to face what happened when my conscious mind doesn't want to face it. I'd like to think I have been facing it all this time but I'm not sure. I'm wondering what you or anyone else might think.
Is this common to have these nightmares so long after the breakup?

Oh yes! I still have nightmares of rape, maybe not the specific one that I suffered, but the fear is prevalent in my nightmares often.

Just two years ago (and remember, my rape took place almost 15 years ago) I saw a man in a grocery store that i could have sworn was my rapist, even though the event happened in college in Alabama, and I live in Georgia now.

I still am not sure whether or not this was the same man, or the resemblance was just that similar (after all, the 2 states are not that far apart!). But I had horrible nightmares for weeks - and was able to blast open some memories that I had buried. I had been begging my psychaitrist for quite a while to let me try hypnosis to help me out with some of my blank spots (things that had occured during and just after the rape) but he was loathe to do so, saying the mind needs to recover on its own, and hypnosis is often pushing it too hard. But seeing this man was enough of a push or shock that my brain decided to give in. That night was horrible and I relived the entire scenario - BUT I was able to remember everything that I couldn't before, which was actually somewhat of a comfort to me, because I had been blaming myself for lots of things that weren't my fault.

I'm a big believer in dreams are our subconcious mind's outlet for our fears and a way for our mind to work out things we jut can't. That's why I love getting on the dream forum here, I find it fascinating. But nightmares are not uncommon, and can last for years, if not a lifetime - after all this is a life changing event. BUT they will not affect you for a lifetime.

I think you will find it VERY beneficial to find a support group in your area; either for battered wives/girlfriends (who are often sexually abused as well) or for rape victims. You might be more comfortable with the former simply because you will find so much in common with them. MANY women in relationships find themselves sexually abused and are unalbe to get out; either from fear of retaliation, or hope to help the one they once loved, or guilt that they may have been partially responsible for this - or a whole host of reasons in between!

But nightmares and dreams are part of healing, as painful as they may be. I would be more worried for you if you were feeling nothing and unable to recall anything.

I have been quiet around here lately and I apologize. October is a very hard month for me. Starting in October of 2003 was when the abuse got really bad for me in my relationship. He even had the audacity to email me on our wedding anniversary this year and say happy anniversary. We aren't legally divorced yet but separated becasue I can't afford to pay for the divorce yet. Anyways! Steriods are horrible and I don't understand how someone would want to subject their bodies and minds to the poison. I commend you for sharing your story and getting away from him! The healing process will take time and everyone heals differently. I have come a long way in the almost 3 yeaers that I have been away from my abuser but I still have lots of triggers that I need to learn to handle and get rid of. If you ever need someone to listen or talk to things about, there is always someone around here at the forums or you can email me directly.

Brillyant -

I won't share my story, because it brings too much back to write about it and I'm heading for my harder season. (Plus, I really don't want to admit in print to ever being stupid enough to overlook and be accepting of all the stuff I did!) But over time, you do heal. For myself, I think the real healing has come from learning to set boundaries for myself as to how far and in what circumstances I can be helpful to others. Also, I've needed to learn to expect more from a partner. In particular, I found that as I started to heal, it was really easy to think someone was treating me really well because they were such an improvement over the abusive relationship, but in fact, they were taking advantage of me in various ways.

Give yourself time, continue talking and healing, work on getting on with your life starting with areas other than dating and that type of relationships. It's not easy, but when you truly find someone worthy of you, you'll also be in a position to truly appreciate it!

Julie

You are absolutely right. I haven't dated anyone since the end of my last relationship and this is the longest I have ever been single. But, for the first time in my life, I am not afraid to be alone. I do not need a man in my life. I have even come to terms with that I may have to accept being single forever if I do not find the one I am hoping for. That would be okay with me because at least I wouldn't be settling for less than I deserve and letting myself down AGAIN. I don't think I could live with myself if I were ignorant enough to do that to myself. And, I have learned, that being able to live with oneself is the most important thing in life. To be proud of who we are and to let ourselves grow as time sees fit. Both of those are things that can get smothered if we get into relationships for companionship rather than for the fact that it is healthy for us. Thanks!

Very good words. Congrats.

Hello Brillyant

Know that you are not alone. Two years ago I escaped a similar hell. I don't want to go into specific details. My partner did not take steroids, but he is an alcoholic. He never hit me but he was very forceful when it came to sex. I used to look after him, do all his housework, pay him rent, buy all our alcohol and food and look after his two boarders, only to be met with criticism consistently.
We once went away for a weekend to his holiday shack on the coast and he allowed his tenant on that property to rape me after he did while I was completely intoxicated and lost all control. He then covered it up by calling me a slut and telling me that I wanted it.

For almost nine months after our break up I still had to work side by side with him and it was a living hell. I have heard just about every sexual utterance that could possibly be said to degrade women. He would often poke and prod and feel and touch and I hated it, but for some reason I was sucked in. After touching me one morning, I decided I had enough. I wrote a letter to my employer and took him out to lunch to explain the situation. Fortunately I have a great boss and he was fired that day.
For a while afterwards I would get abusive phone calls. I would just hang up on him. I would drink excessively every night to escape the hell.
I did not like where I was going with my drinking and I eventually found the courage to give up.
I now have anorexia and I have found that this is my way of coping with my issues. I feel in control. I live on my own and plan to never have a sexual relationship again.
It is too terrifying to even think about the possibility of going through that hell again.

I apologise for sharing my story with you. I only hope that you realise that you are not alone and if you need someone who understands and knows what you are going through, you can vent your feelings in my mailbox.

Wishing you all the best