BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting maybe a little advice.....hopefully

Hey everyone. I'm a mother to a 5 month old little girl. My husband (soon to be ex) left me when I was still pregnant with her for an ex girlfriend. Well, now that my daughter is here; his girlfriend has been acting like mommy to my daughter. She actually tells people that she going to be my daughter's mother. They (my ex, her and my daughter) even went so far as to go get "family" pictures done of the three of them. I have temporary full custody of our daughter and he's not fighting me for anything otherwise. I just thought I'd try to ger a little perspective from people on her side of the fence. Thanks in advance!

Sounds to me like you're winning so far. You have full custody and are likely to keep it. This is good.

Of course it's unnerving to have some *other woman* coveting your place as mother--but it won't work. You are baby's mother and nothing she can do or dream up will ever change that. Babies know who mama is. Always and forever.

There will be more struggles ahead with your soon-to-be-ex, this is a small time incursion into your territory. Save your courage and fight for future, more important scrimmages.

Chin up mom, baby is yours and always will be. <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" />

I think that the more caring adults a child has in their life, the better. I do think that telling people she's going to be your daughter's mommy is going too far on the girlfriend's part. But since you are divorcing, your daughter is going to have two families, so things like family pictures with each family are not inappropriate. However, I'd make sure you get pictures, for your daughter, of her with just her father through out her life - to paraphrase my grandmother, if he left you for her, he'll leave her for someone else. This woman may be a permanent part of your daughter's life, or she may be gone before your daughter is old enough to remember her. I would recommend that you and your husband make an agreement as to who is to be called what (you may have another serious relationship sometime in the next 18 years too after all.) I personally didn't think it was appropriate for my step-daughters to call me Mom, but when asked I told them they could if they didn't think it would be disrespectful to their mother. (They called me Mom for about 3 days and then went back to my first name) However, each situation is different. At the very least, you should get either "mommy" or "mama" or a traditional affectionate nickname for mother from your family background for yourself and a different diminuative should be assigned to the girlfriend. Your daughter is the one who will really decide what to call you, but all the adults should use the correct label when talking with your daughter or encouraging her to talk.

My father died when my sister and I were in our mid-teens and my brother was 4. My mother remarried when my brother was 6. The most useful thing they did was attend a parenting class together. It gave them a neutral third ground to base later discussions on parenting on. My experience with step-parenting is a little beyond the ordinary - my now ex-husband got full custody of his two daughters because the state took them from their mother, not exactly the most positive start to a change in custody... (And both parents had problems of their own that interfered with effective parenting.) At any rate, we were supposed to all attend the same parenting class (different sessions) - and one more in depth than the court mandated one - but only their dad and I ended up going. It would have been much more effective had we all gone and didn't have to talk about parenting issues as "I think" "Well I think"... I'd also recommend that you try to get your husband and even his girlfriend, to regularly (a couple times a year, maybe more at first) see a counselor with you to discuss parenting issues and give advice. If either of you have an EAP at work, it may cover that (at least initially) or one of the social service agencies in your area may be able to help you as well.

Best of luck,
Julie

It's such a frustrating time, and I can fully emphathize with you...I went through that two years ago, only my son was four and not 5 months. I rec'd advice similar to USA and Julie's but it's hard to feel and think past the present. She did the family pics and involving herself in his school and wanting to attend parent night. I drew the line there. (Grrr not that my son knows that!) yes the more people who love your child the better, so I was friendly with her which was helpful and he didn't have to feel any conflict. But, truthfully when it comes down to it, your child does and will always know, want, love mom best. They are now breaking up (my ex and GF) my son has been having some trantrums, but where does he turn? To me. Because that's where he feels the safest. Your daughter will know who is the safest, who not only loves her but who will guide her. Right now this girlfriend is "playing" mommy with your daughter. When the real stuff hits, you'll see what she's made of. Hang on. It's an awfully bumpy road, but have your grace and dignity. You may lose some moments of peace of mind over this (just go in the other room where you're daughter is not and throw darts at the family pic or something) but you'll never lose your daughter's love. A friend of mine used to work in the peds department of a hospital and she said that children that came into emergency badly abused by their own mothers would still cry out for them. Not that that's right but it's completely inherent in a child to want/need mommy and new chickie won't ever take that away.

Thanks ladies. I do understand what you are saying about the family pics Julie, and in my opinion, being as A. they aren't even married yet (as he is still married to me) and B. it was just them and her, I don't particularly see it as appropriate. I would have different feelings if lets say they had a child between the two of them also and they wanted photos taken. I could see that as appropriate. But if and when I do find someone else myself, it will not be appropriate for him to have pics taken with mine and my exes daughter. I guess that's just my own opinion. I think that they do most of this stuff to get under my skin more than anything. He even brought this girl up to the hospital after our daughter was born, and took pictures of her and my daughter and him at the hospital!! That was uncalled for.
I know from watching out the window as they take my child for HIS visitation and watching her put my daughter in the car, very roughly, that she actually has some resentment towards her for forever tying my ex and I together. (I know, I shouldn't be peeking but my ex does not have a driver's license but drives anyway so I watch to see who gets behind the wheel.) But yeah, thanks again ladies for your opinions. More are surely welcome! Have a great evening!

AimeeMae - Bringing his girlfriend to the hospital was completely inappropriate - let alone pictures there. I'd have screamed the place down!

But you should not feel AT ALL guilty about watching your daughter with your husband and the girlfriend. If there's a chance that he would be doing something illegal or dangerous with your daughter, as a mother it's your business to keep an eye on it. In fact, I'd be worried about the roughness.

Do remember that if these two were capable of classy behavior, they wouldn't be doing things like openly living together while you are pregnant/just gave birth. You can't expect classy behavior and your life will be much more stressful if you let it get to you that they don't behave in a classy manner. Heck, I felt weird about dating before the divorce and I was dating someone my ex- had fixed me up with!

Julie

LOL to the dating soemone your ex had fixed you up with. Although I think that would have made me a bit uncomfortable also.
You know though? You are right about the classy behavior. I guess I should feel like the bigger person there and feel better being ird of someone who is incapable of it. I do get sick of being the bigger person though. I know that they purposfully go out of their ways to make me angry and hurt my feelings... and you know what? I think I should think it's funny being as their whole meaning of existance revolves around me! LOL. They both have Myspace pages and they are both dedicated to me, lol. He's a little more mature about stuff, the only thing that is on his page is a comment written by someone else about a picture of the three of them (those two and my daughter) saying how MY daughter actually looks like she could be hers... I found that last night and almost e-mailed the girl... but yet again I took the higher road and didn't do a thing. It's "K"'s (we'll call her K...) page that is truely dedicated to me. She's very childish and immature... it's almost sad. LOL. Well anyway, thanks Julie for your great insight. You ladies have been a big help!

HI..I AM SORRY THAT YOU ARE FEELING JELOUS..IF HE IS WITH HER THEN HE IS WITH HER..NOT YOU..THAT IS YOUR ISSUE..MOVE ON..
BETTER OFF WITH OUT HIM THAN..
BUT AS THE CHILDREN..THEY ARE NOT INVOLVED IN THIS ISSUE
IF HE IS CONSTRUCTING A FAMILY THEN YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO SUCK IT UP AS HE WILL HAVE TO SUCK IT UP WHEN YOU MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND POSSIBLY GAIN A NEW BOYFRIEND OR FUTURE HUSBAND AND HE WILL HAVE TO ACCEPT IT..
SO LET IT GO..
DO NOT MAKE YOUR ISSUES THE KIDS ISSUES..
STEPPARENT.

HI..I AM SORRY THAT YOU ARE FEELING JELOUS..IF HE IS WITH HER THEN HE IS WITH HER..NOT YOU..THAT IS YOUR ISSUE..MOVE ON..
BETTER OFF WITH OUT HIM THAN..
BUT AS THE CHILDREN..THEY ARE NOT INVOLVED IN THIS ISSUE
IF HE IS CONSTRUCTING A FAMILY THEN YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO SUCK IT UP AS HE WILL HAVE TO SUCK IT UP WHEN YOU MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND POSSIBLY GAIN A NEW BOYFRIEND OR FUTURE HUSBAND AND HE WILL HAVE TO ACCEPT IT..
SO LET IT GO..
DO NOT MAKE YOUR ISSUES THE KIDS ISSUES..
STEPPARENT.

Well, they have no doubt acted in a juvenile, inappropriate manner - the hospital stunt was tacky and downright a slap in your face. However, I tend to think that this may not be the woman your ex grows old with...

Speaking of that, it's a shame he jumped into another relationship so prematurely. I firmly believe that no one should be introduced to any children til the parent is SURE that person will be around in 5, 10, or 20 years. I despise that "uncle" so and so - when there are so many uncles. And, when a relationship ends for adults, it can be hard enough - to put kids through that loss is just irresponsible. Of course, your ex will swear that this is the love of his life and so on...we'll see. Two wrongs don't make a right, so just tread w/ caution when you meet someone who turns your head.

Don't apologize for peeking at the ex. I would, too.

BTW, the gf is probably playing this "mommy" card for her to look good in his eyes. If you sense a little resentment now, this relationship won't last - she doesn't seem like the type to happily fork over child support and alimony when push comes to shove or see her own selfish plans put on hold for events in your daughter's life.

Good luck,
Dana