BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Any clue before marriage?

Do women get any clue/hint that the man they are getting married to may turn out to be an abuser?

speaking for myself there were suttle signs that I was in denial of I just diddnt want to see them

If we can list the clues they may help others.

Yes I was abused before I married him. I was more or less forced to marry him because we were all homeless. The place I was staying at wouldn't let him live there too unless we were married and the pastor and my abuser spoke. My abuser was as sweet as pie to the pastor. The pastor was also the owner of the housing I was in. The pastor tried to talk me into. I refused and when we were alone, my life was threatened if I didn't marry him. I was forced.

I am shocked to hear your account.

Yes my abuser was a basket case. He told me the night before we were to be married that if I backed out he would kill me or take off with my kids. I was scared to death of what he would do. I didn't know how much help was out there to get away from him. Now that I look back on that situation, I did have an easy way out. See the shelter I was in was very securely locked because it was in a very very bad part of town. We had to go through a security gate to get to the door that led upstairs to our rooms. Then everyone had a private room area with a metal door that was locked with a deadbolt. If I were in my right mind, I should have just stayed inside and left him outside and never came out for a few days and if I had to go anywhere, just ask one of the other moms to watch the kids. I was getting welfare and one place helped me get money together for a down payment on an apartment. If you weren't married to the guy you were with, he was not allowed upstairs under any circumstances. I kick myself now for not doing that.

you must have undergone lot of pain during this marriage?

I think we all would change things we have done in our past if we could. But we need to learn from our mistakes and move on. That sounds like a very hard way to have to live. I'm sure you weren't thinking clearly at that time.
I am fairly new here so I am not aware of your circumstances now. Are you still married to this man? How are you children?

Did your abuser come back and apologize?

The main thing that I can suggest is take notice of the small things BEFORE you make any major decisions.

The problem that I have found is that most often they will suck you in. They will tell you every lie to get you into bed and into their homes to become their "free housekeeper". They start by treating you like a princess to give you a sense of security and then overnight everything changes. They change, their mood changes, their expextations of you change. They become more demanding and threatening and use blackmail. They make you feel trapped and insecure.

If you have any doubts at all don't cover it up thinking it is just your nerves getting the better of you. These feelings are very real and could be a sign from the beginning that something is not quite right.

Also - if they are abusive in even the smallest way - be very weary. Know that you CANNOT change them. Know that it will not get better. Nine times out of ten the abuse will get worse.

If you feel uneasy at all - don't pursue it. There is way too much at risk. Remember your worth. You are worth so much more than a lifetime of misery and hell.

Remember to be kind to yourself. Do not rush into anything. It is not worth rushing into a relationship with the wrong person just so that you do not live life alone.

I live alone and love it.

Look after yourself
Best Wishes