BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Dating...when do you tell them you're CF?

I've never had to actively bring up the issue of kids with a date. As I get older, I find the guys often ask if it's important to them, sometimes on that the very first date even, or it naturally comes up some other way.

[color:"darkred"]That's is not only creepy, but sick. [/color]

[color:"darkred"]Love your tatoo, Rae_BodyArtPagan
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Hey, Alexandra!

"That moment, or at the crucial instant when you realise he isn't wearing protection - and neither are you...."

My dear, if she's childfree, that instant will NEVER come. We childfree pack PROTECTION!! <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am tactless, so I usually bring CF up first in the form of "make that brat shut the (bleep) up, I hate (bleeping) kids." Or, "eeew, that baby looks like an alien...babies are so disgusting." Or "I only like children when they're cooked to well-done and served with barbeque sauce."

I typically pick "bad" boys...I have never really gone for nice guys...so most of the time they pick up on the vibe and go with it. I have never been with a guy who actually wanted children (lucky me).

My hubby and I sort of worked our way up to talking about being CF. We both have a wicked sense of humor, so we'd make comments like the BBQ sauce one (and worse!) all along, so we really got the idea from each other that we were both CF. We talked about it briefly for confirmation after we got engaged but before we got married.

I'd probably just naturally be dropping snarky comments about kids into the conversation anyway, so it wouldn't be a problem. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My current guy knew long before we were together because he used to be my boss, so he knew me on almost a daily basis for five months before we ever got together...with that kind of time on our hands, the three of us (he, my other boss, and I) definitely knew how each other felt about kids and about 50 billion other things, lol.

If you know for sure you don't want kids or can't have kids, it's not that hard to work it in to a conversation in an inocuous way, on the first date. A month or anything longer isn't fair, because the other person may get attached to you and compromise, which may be ok temporarily but you will have denied them a part of life that they wanted a part of, and it will come back to haunt you later on. Far too many people get coerced into having kids when they don't want them and alot of people also lie about theyre fertility or desire to have kids before marriage only to spring it on theyre partner after marriage. It may be tough to find someone who dosen't want children since 90% of the population do, but people should be forthright about such an issue and not compromise.

It's been a few years for me since I dated, but I think it's best that you bring it up, concretely, before you invest too much time. 2nd or 3rd date wouldn't be too soon.

As for snarky comments, they're great, but a lot of guys are snarky about kids and then still expect their women to take one for the team because they have some silly home movie playing in their head about wanting to toss a football to their imaginary future 9-year-old son. Go beyond the snark and have an actual conversation. It's too important not to!

Elise

I don't remember exactly how it came up with my husband, but I know it was the first date. I think maybe someone in the restaurant had a screaming kid, and I might have said "reason number 425 not to have kids". Or something like that happened, but what happened next - he mentioned that he'd already had a vasectomy! Smooth sailing from there on, and 18 months later we're married and happy as can be.

The scary part, I learned later. His most recent girlfriend before me had nearly convinced him to get it reversed, to the point that he'd taken out a loan to do it. $10,000! They ended up taking a trip to Hawaii instead, then he paid off his credit cards. When he finally said he just couldn't go through with it, that was pretty much the end of their relationship. It still galls me to think that she almost bullied him into that!

No time is too soon. I believe in love at first sight because I went through it. That's a hard one, because I said I wanted to be child-free and it caused a little talk to form. I think I've said this before on this forum, but he said that he wants me instead of a kid, and now is very strong with that decision. I do believe if, when I met him, I said, "Hi, I don't want children, what's your name?" he'd get a little scared away. LOL. Not because he wanted children so badly, of course, cause he didn't, but because I'd be so strong about it at first. It did come up within our first month together, when I let him know I wasn't budging in my decision. So that's all figured out now. I'm happy. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I find that anything that is a deal breaker for you should be brought up sooner rather than later. How soon really depends on how the dating process is going. Sometimes, the first several dates are very superficial and sometimes you get into serious conversations right away.

On a blind date, it's reasonable (and often even expected) to check the facts your friend passed on, so if that's one of those things, you should bring it up on the first date.

Snarky commments aren't necessarily the way to go. I love kids, I just don't want to bear any of my own, thank you very much! (Or as I often tell people, that's why I wouldn't want to stick one with me as a mother.) If someone made a snarky comment, I might be turned off by their negitivity (or not want to ever have them around my nieces and nephew, who I adore) and turn down a second date. Someone's sense of humor is something that you don't necessarily understand until you get to know them better. Lot's of people don't particularly like or want kids but it's never occured to them that it's really an option. Who would you rather be with - someone fully committed to being child free who likes kids or someone who doesn't like (or even really think about) kids, but hasn't thought the whole child free thing through.

Julie