BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids .

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Welcome Jett, and always feel free to pour your guts out to us about any thoughts you may have on the subject of the worlds little nose miners!

Now that I've rolled out the red carpet for you: DON'T MARRY HIM!!!! I'm not saying leave him, but I have heard this at least a couple dozen times just on-line about the horrors of CFBC women marrying childed men. It is a NIGHTMARE. I'm not intending to hurt your feelings or be insensitive, but who he married and how coniving she was and probably STILL IS, is irrelevent. You don't want kids. Period. Ever. Stay true to yourself and your beliefs. You mentioned some reasons why you wish to remain CF and there are so many more!

I'm 37 years old and have been married to my husband for 9 years. My first husband didn't believe me when I said NO KIDS, and I was only 20! Stick to your guns, you'll be happier later on that you did. My divorce was very painful to me, he was my first true love. But my real first true love was to remain true to myself.

Fire

Hi JettGirl, and welcome.
DH and I do not have kids, nor will we. However, he has a brother who is disabled and for whom we have assumed much responsibility. His father is deceased and his mother is completely ineffective in dealing with him. Therefore, DH feels responsible b/c he is the oldest sibling.

His brother's disabilities are the result of a failed suicide attempt at 17. He is partially paralyzed, although ambulatory. He has mental issues because the injury (gunshot) effected the center of the brain that deals with judgement and decision making. Therefore, he makes very poor life choices (as if he didn't before). He struggles with alcohol addiction and some other mental health issues (depression, anger, etc). He has experienced repeated homelessness, or when renting, repeatedly has utilities shut off for nonpayment. We've spent countless amounts on groceries (although he does qualify for food stamps, he routinely lets that lapse) and clothing (because he continually "loses" clothes). In fact, we recently bought a small house to provide him with permanent shelter(mostly to relieve our own worry).

While the brother is not technically a child (he is now 31), he has the mentality of a selfish, immature, angry 15-yr old. For whatever reason, he respects and listens to DH, and me by association (he does at least understand that DH is able to help him because I'm on board with it). But there is no doubt we will be watching after him for the rest of his life.

While our situation is different from yours, I do understand having the care and feeding of someone thrust upon you.

Hello,
I would agree with the gals that said you need to stay true to yourself. I am married and happily child free. I would ask a couple of questions though... does your SO have sole custody of the kids? Are they there 100% of the time? Also, how old are they? My reasons for asking these questions are, is there a way that your relationship with your partner could work? Maybe I am the eternal romantic.. I always try to see if there is some way to make love work.

BUT on that note, if he does have the kids all the time and they are very young then there is a long road of raising them ahead. It might be exceptionally difficult for you to assume the role of 'mom' especially since you don't want kids.

I echo the comment...stay true to yourself or you will regret it later. GOOD LUCK and from my experience, the ladies on these boards are the best! Very supportive!

Hello and Welcome,

With that said, I have a bunch of questions:

1. How long have you been with your partner?
2. Do you live together?
3. How many kids does he have and how old are they?
4. Do they primarily live with him or his ex-wife?
5. If they live with the ex, how often does see them?

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Thanks, freespirit. It's always been very challenging, but especially so since my FIL passed away. And it's ALWAYS some sort of drama or other crisis (it's a family tradition). He's actually part of the reason we don't have kids - I think we both knew in our hearts that eventually we'd end up being responsible for him. That and knowing that you can think you're doing everything "right" and it can still all go horribly wrong.

I do know that if our marriage wasn't as strong as it is, that we'd never have survived half the crapp we've dealt with. I know I wouldn't be so willing to accommodate the brother thing if we had to outright support him or he had to live with us (NOT an option - I'd kill him).

But it's not the same as having to raise someone else's kids when you don't want any at all. I think you all are dead on when you tell Jett to be true to herself.

Funny, I guess that's always been part of my "rules" for helping his brother. I'm fine with doing whatever it takes as long as MY standard of living is not compromised.

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