BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids First post: WHAT A RELIEF!

To Freespirit: Yes, she does have friends. It's nice of you to ask. I know I think it's sad too. But you know friends aren't the same as family. She doesn't have an outgoing personality to reach out to people or a network of friends that would keep her engaged. She's the kind of person that doesn't ask for things and feels bad when we send her presents and stuff. Of course, I know she feels happy to be thought of so I don't listen to her protests of "Oh, please don't spend money on me" etc. etc. So if she had a different personality she'd probably wouldn't be so lonely. I think this is important for the elderly - kids or no kids. If you keep busy and make friends easily then I think you'll be OK. I have a special place in my heart for the elderly. Guess I got babysat by a bunch of old ladies at church and hung out in nursing homes when I was young. I know one thing I would never put my parents in a nursing home. They're pretty bad. Anyway that's off topic - Sorry.
And ABSOLUTELY, you cannot make a decision about having kids just so you'll have someone in the future. Although hanging out in nursing homes did make me think about it. Ultimately, I completely agree -- you have to make the decision on your desire here and now. You know it's a really scary thing. It's just so simple for the people who know right away they love kids. They're so accepted in the world. And then there's the CF and loving it people which I think is easier because you know it and nothing will change your mind.Then there are the people that are sort of riding the fence, but are anti-kid people or lack maternal/paternal instinct people -- like me and it can be confusing. I know I debated it a long time. So my friends and I got together and talked [censored] about kids because we simply couldn't understand how people could like them so much. Now that I see the "other side" I know it's can't easily be explained. It's like, how can you explain being madly in love to someone who's never been in love? You just can't. I have never tried to explain what having kids is like to a CF friend because that's like trying to explain baseball, gardening or animals to me. I don't get it and I don't want to get it!
Anyway, now I see both sides. I see that not all parents and kids are bad. I have compassion for babies now that I never had before. But, I still feel out of place because I like your comments here. There's a lot of truth here that some of those people just don't see. I read these comments and laugh because I agree so much I want to shout, "Hallelujah!"
Anyway, hope you guys don't mind me commenting sometimes if I think it's worthwhile for you. I'll try to keep a low profile.

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Hey thanks a lot. It's nice to come here and chit-chat with all of you.
You know you're right! Blood relations are very overrated. I, myself, have no loyalty to my blood ties.

I feel for the original poster. It must be so hard to break up with such a great person over such a difficult subject. Wonder if CF people have a way of meeting each other. How about internet dating and putting in your profile: "No kids"?
God, he was so right - maybe only could see having the perfect child. That's what I thought too! Yeah, like the Gerber baby maybe - and even then I'd probably still recoil a bit and not want to touch it. Ha ha. How did I have 2 kids? It still amazes me.

Holy Cow! My first post and look at all the replies. Must have struck a chord or something. I have a feeling that all of us on this forum have been here though. Or if not here precisely then visiting somewhere close... It's such a tough negotiation item and those of us that don't want to have kids can't really understand the depth or desire that some have to be parents. Lots of tears shed by the ex in realizing it just wasn't in my makeup. It is literally lost on me.

It is hard to break up with someone terrific. Especially when you see some of the really crummy, or indifferent, or just not all that interesting relationships that some people have. I think a really great relationship is truly a less than "once in a lifetime" experience, since some people never meet someone like that at all.

And yeah, a perfect child with a perfect environment (lots of respite time, time left for hobbies and vacations, and so on.). I can almost embrace that in theory. The sheer grimness of some of my married-with-children's friends lives though is a powerful tool of persuasion...

There are internet dating sites that are CF but the sites are pretty sketchy. Not at all like the interesting and intelligent collection of people here, or at least that isn't apparent. I think a lot of CF people are a pretty thoughtful and intellectual bunch and while physical attraction is a sort of screening item for some of us, the real attraction often comes over conversation when we get that inkling of, "Hey, this person thinks like I do!" That type of thing is less likely to happen on dating sites. Maybe they should have a forum or something so people can have a chat first and get to know one another outside the crucible of "pictures and stats."

[color:"orange"] Right on Target. [/color]

Well I just mentioned the internet dating thing because it worked out SO well for my friend recently. We went online together and wrote her profile - match.com - and we wrote "no kids" because she already has two. AND we were very upfront and wrote exactly what we wanted in a date. I helped her because she was scared and needed a partner in crime. Anyway, we were completely honest in our profile and how it works is people can "wink" at you online or you can "wink" at them. And then you start emailing each other or talk on the phone if you want before meeting. (I sound like an ad for internet dating, don't I?) BUT on her very first date she found someone awesome! We had written we only wanted someone to hang out with and enjoy their company - nothing too serious because she was going through a divorce. But he turned out to be SO compatible with her. He had the same profile. Loves traveling, is successful, going through the same divorce, has 2 kids exactly the same ages etc etc. AND they are at the age (both in their 30s) that they don't play games. He is so honest about things. No question is off limits. I've meant him and I gave him a big thumbs up! He may be even more compatible with her than her soon to be ex-husband because of the traveling issue. He use to not get why she wanted to travel. She loves to travel and she planned a fabulous trip to Australia with the two kids and had a great time. But he bitched about it the whole time until he got there and finally enjoyed the experience. But he still didn't have any zest for traveling. And now this new person LOVES it. So cool.
Isn't it nice to know it is possible to take another swing at relationships and hit it out of the ballpark?

There are internet dating sites that are CF but the sites are pretty sketchy. Not at all like the interesting and intelligent collection of people here, or at least that isn't apparent. I think a lot of CF people are a pretty thoughtful and intellectual bunch and while physical attraction is a sort of screening item for some of us, the real attraction often comes over conversation when we get that inkling of, "Hey, this person thinks like I do!" That type of thing is less likely to happen on dating sites. Maybe they should have a forum or something so people can have a chat first and get to know one another outside the crucible of "pictures and stats."

True. Y'know, I'm amazed that I can find guys who are CF--my ex was (originally wanted kids but then really thought about what they entail and decided he liked his money, which could be spent on computers and such, better), and my new boi is on the CF side of the fence (says he probably won't have kids but doesn't want to say he'll never change his mind, either). Actually, I'm amazed by how many people I find who are CF, period. I don't know if more people my age are realizing they don't need to have kids, or if it's just the sort of people I hang out with, but almost all of my friends (from college, at least) are either childfree or on the fence.

Katja: I tell you, the breeders haven't one clue that they are the major contributors to the growing numbers of cfbc people.

All one has to do is place yourself in a Walmart, a movie theatre, a restaurant, etc. on any given day OR night at ANY given hour, and that is all the convincing any reasonable, objective person needs to remain c.f. Any moronic sire or damn insisting on bringing their litter to dine at a restaurant at 9 or 10 o'clock at night deserves to have bamboo shoots shoved up their nails and toothpicks placed in their eyelids.

*ATTEN PARENTS: Your children screaming and throwing food all over the damn place is NOT CUTE... N O T C U T E .*

No one wants to see or hear the results of your pis s-poor rearing abilities. Please, please I beg of you leave them at home if it is after 8 o'clock, they're tired, sick, whiny...whatever. Just because your kids are feeling miserable for WHATEVER reason, doesn't mean the rest of the world deserves to suffer.

I doubt seriously you would appreciate my dog begging at your table, rubbing hair all over your clothes, barking incessantly, peeing on your floor or chewing your furniture. A rotton loud kid is no different and equally as annoying and bothersome [please note that I am not stating animals are more important than humans, nor am I stating your kid would pee on the floor, I am merely comparing the effects of those behaviours to anyone subjected to their actions.] Certainly you wouldn't expect someone to bring an ill-mannered canine like that out in public or keep them out in public if the behaviour starts and cannot be ceased - same principal applies. Stop being so selfish and start respecting other people's ears, eyes, time and space.

Fire

Amen/

This is really accurate. We are expected to cut parents with kids all sorts of slack for their kids behavior. It really is like badly behaved pets in public. Just imagine a dog, even a guide dog, howling and barking and running around a restaurant! The dog, and the blind guy, would be dining on the sidewalk! I know, kids are human (to their parents at least) and all that but they really are a lifestyle choice these days and should be regarded as such. It's like when people are late or missing at work and it's a kids thing. That's fine, as long as I get the same slack when my lifestyle choices keep me late or absent. Think of all the things that CF people do that might interfere with timely arrivals at work... Sleeping in peace, fooling around, having a leisurely breakfast and so on. Can you imagine showing up two hours late and saying, "Well, you know, we don't have kids so we had to sleep in a bit, knock one out, then fix a nice breakfast. You know how it is. Can someone fill me in?" Heh, heh.