BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids First post: WHAT A RELIEF!

Hey freefall,
A belated welcome to the forum from me! I have been away for a few blissful days with DH (one of the many upsides to being childfree) and only checked back in this morning. So many interesting posts since i've been gone!
Anyhow, i'm sorry to hear that you and your ex have differing views on kids. It's very difficult to be in a relationship like that. You're absolutely right to end it now, rather than letting it drag on. If you have kids, you're not happy; and if you don't have kids she's not happy. Both of you deserve to be happy, and hopefully you can both find people who have similar mindsets on the subject. I really do hope though that your ex has thought seriously about why she wants kids. Just 'wanting' them sounds a bit fuzzy to me. Does she realise how much she'd have to give up to be a good parent? How torn she'd feel if she wanted to be home with her child? And all of the hundreds of other 'side effects' of having kids.....
Sorry, just being nosey. Am always fascinated to hear exactly WHY having kids is so important to people.
My sister and i were discussing it yesterday (she has a child) and concluded that whatever your decision (to have or not have kids) that it's always a selfish choice. You want to have one, or you don't want to have one. It's all about what you want - which is fine. No need to sugar coat it in excuses, no matter which way your decision goes.

Hi Millyella,

Thanks, you get it. The ex is a very smart, motivated, hard-working and interesting person on a lot of levels. As I mentioned initially, while she feels she wants to have kids she has no real experience with the enterprise, which concerns me and we've talked about it a lot. I've suggested she at least do something like be a nanny for a year to see how she likes it. (also joked that she pay the couple a $1000/month if she really wants to simulate the experience!) My brother, in his wisdom, did something similar with his wife. She came from a family of 11 and thought she wanted a large family too. They had 2 healthy kids at this point. Rather than argue about the merits of a huge family, my bro suggested she run a home daycare center for a year or two to see how she liked it. Two years of that and my brother had a vasectomy with his wife's blessing.

Anyway, with all her smarts and hard work, I don't think the ex has completely realized how much her life would change. I have enough like and respect for her that I really do want what is best. So I am concerned she might not end up in the situation she is hoping for. In my mind, the worst would be settling for a guy who might get with the program but not be the guy she really wants. Yet I do know women who make this compromise; settling for a good provider and father who might be something of a dullard or have other obnoxious qualities but brings home the bacon and supports the enterprise. But plenty of people do make a similar compromise. Kids are a no compromise situation but people will often "settle" in the spouse department and make up whatever intellectual or emotional things are missing with friends, hobbies and family.

People say that not having kids is selfish. I can't think of anything more selfish than having kids. Nothing wrong with that but lets keep it straight. I've gotten in several arguments at work for not ride-sharing, driving an SUV, etc. (The SUV is absolutely necessary in my line of work BTW) I tell them that their kids and their kids kids and so on, will use more resources than my SUV ever will. "That's different" they say. I'm like, "What you're really saying is that you have more right to those resources than I do." and so on. <img src="/images/graemlins/wall.gif" alt="" />

Hi freefall... I can appreciate the relief you felt when you found this forum. I too struggled with the whole child issue. I really did not ever feel the maternal instinct, yet kept waiting for it as family/friends/coworkers insisted it 'would' happen. As I neared my 40th birthday, I had a little meltdown. Luckily I have a fabulous hubby who talked me through it and helped me to realize those 'feelings' were not mine... they were the expectations of others in my life. Since then, I have grown comfortable and happy with my decision.

If you truly love this woman (you sure sound like you do) maybe you can give it a shot to talk to her about her feelings. I agree with others who said this issue definitely is something you both have to be on board with... once a child is in the picture, there is no giving them back!

Life should be lived as you want to live it. To feel obligated to populate the earth because others say you must is ridiculous. There are plenty of people happily providing our future generations as we speak.

Oh... as for the CF life? I LOVE IT! Travel, weekends away, elegant dinners out on a whim, nice little presents for each other... all these would not be as much a part of our lives if we had a child. NO REGRETS!

Truthfully? We spent a year talking about it. I think the talking part is over. We both know exactly where the other person stands and how important our feelings on the subject are. I think she's being pigheaded <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Kidding. I mean it's a pretty normal desire; most people seem to want it in one form or another especially those that aren't single by reason of insanity or terminal unattractiveness. And most of them probably want it too at some level but can't get there from here. So we are estranged and if she gets back in touch at some future date and has had a change of heart we'll see. But I'm not waiting around. I had this total acceptance of my orientation to this recently. Funny but what got it started was listening to a show called "This American Life" and the subject was Unconditional Love. And it dealt with parents who were raising, respectively, an autistic child, something called a "failure to bond" child and some other dysfunctional child. I've considered I might have it in me to raise a perfect kid. You know, the one in a thousand Gerber baby who never fusses, learns everything fast and so on. But I know I don't have it in me to deal with something like I heard about on the program and the deal with having kids is you don't get to choose; you roll the dice and you get what you get. And that's what the rest of your life looks like. Relatively OK or hell. My brother went 2 for 2. My mom? Two out of 3 with the first being a heartbreaking sh!thead who keeps trying to talk her out of his inheritance early. Model citizen too, as you can imagine. I like the odds as they are right now. Who Knows? Maybe we are all missing the UC gene?

I love "This American Life." Some of the stories are really depressing, though.

We've kind of got the same philosophy about it being a roll of the dice. For a lot of reasons, we decided we weren't willing to risk that we'd have a disabled child. If either of us had felt strongly that a child would fulfill something in our lives, we probably could have been swayed the other way. But even having a genentically "normal" child is no guarantee things will be smooth sailing. DH has a brother who attempted suicide at 17 and who now has a host of physical disabilities, brain injury-induced mental issues, addictions, etc. We recently assumed a large role in his support, so in essence, I now have a 31 yr old child with the mentality of a selfish, irresponsible, angry 15 yr old.

[color:"orange"] I don't have any maternal instinct, as neither does my husband. My husband will make comments that kids are expensive. My husband loves the childfree lifestyle. He like me ingores peoples pressure and expectations. If they want to be around babies, they should either work in day care or in a maternity ward. Me? I'd be much better off working/helping animals.

Also, what is it about babies being so cute? I do not find babies or toddlers cute. They eventually turn into horrible teenagers. I find horses cute, but that doesn't mean I going to go out and get one. Duh.


FreeFall, you are right, your ex could have the family part, but not the good qualities in a SO part. [/color]

Hey just something to add....I'm all for the CF lifestyle! I really understand the need not to have kids. Truly, I believe that some people have no interest and therefore are living a wonderful fulfilled life without children. I will always say when I post here that I do have kids (2)that I love beyond anything. But I love to read here because I don't really belong with all the other Mommies either. This board gives me a break from all the crazy Mommies I have to deal with sometime. I mean I'm in the club, but not really because I agree with a lot of what you guys say.
Anyway, your post just reminded me of my husband's Aunt. She's so sad right now because her husband died 3 years ago and she has no one in Germany now where she lives. She keeps saying she wished they had kids. We asked her what happened because we thought she never wanted any. And she said he convinced her not to and she was Ok with that. But now this is her one big regret in life and there's no one to share life with. Not that CF people think this - it's only what she thinks because she was convinced to not have kids and now that her husband is gone she's so sad and thinks about her regrets.
I think you're better off finding someone who totally doesn't want kids and you'll both be happy. We have a bunch of CF friends and it's like they're happy because they are of like mind.

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Oh no, you shouldn't really have kids to take care of you in your old years! But it would be nice! I use to go to nursing homes when I was little and all those old people just sat around and waited for the kids to come. How sad!
Anyway, we were really surprised that she was sad, because she always said she didn't want any kids too. But perhaps since he passed away - NOW she regrets. I think she was totally bought into the whole CF idea and then when you're all alone you wish there was someone in your life. She's just so sad now. Who's there for her now? She doesn't blame her husband - she said she made the decision too so it's not his fault, but it's just wishful thinking that there were kids and grandkids in her life. I suppose it's hindsight now. Not much we can do. We try to call her every week, but she's just so sad. So that's why I wanted to write because it's maybe much, much later in life that there is regret -- if you really wanted kids. Just food for thought...

So what's the solution? Have a child when you are not sure that you want one, and sacrifice your life as a independant woman, so that your life at 80 will be filled with grandkids?! It's this kind of no-win situation that's been depressing me lately.

I've just lost a wonderful relationship because I couldn't tell my boyfriend that I definatly wanted kids (like the guy who started this thread). Actually, I've described many times to my boyfriend the things that make me not want to have a kid...the thought just sends me into a panic...pregnancy, birth, trying to physically recover from that but not having the time or energy to focus on yourself anymore...and then trying to 'balance' a hard-earned career with the full-time job of parenting at home...AND trying to maintain some shread of romance and privacy with your husband...how can anyone easily say yes to that? I just don't understand, and I don't think I ever will.

For me, it's been really hard to find a man who does not want to knock me up. Give it three months and they're talking about it, which I know is most women's fantasy, which makes me feel even more like a freak.

It's nice to know that there are some people out there who don't joyfully count down the days until they're laid up with morning sickness.