BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids First post: WHAT A RELIEF!

I'm not crazy!!! Not sure how many guys post here, but I'm a guy FWIW... And it's nice to read commentary from a community that feels the same way on this issue. Just went through a painful 2nd breakup with a woman I love a lot. We were perfect for each other really. The first was 6 months ago and it was the kid thing. Just recently we've been spending time together again and it was obvious we're still crazy about one another. Brought up committment and we hit the impasse again. She wants kids, I don't. And whats weird is that she's this serious professional type; in grad school, has no real experience with kids, loves expensive hobbies and travel... Just thinks she wants them. Arghhhh. Decided to surf the net on the subject and ended up here. All you people with pretty much the same attitudes and experiences regarding having kids had been terrific to read about. My MWC friends all say, "don't do it, you have no idea how good you have it now." (Cool job, lots of fun/expensive hobbies, homeowner by the beach). For me, it's really sad that my ex is willing to give up a GREAT relationship; so many mutual interests, incredible compatibility in all areas, terrific sex, shared politics and world view, the works. All for a maybe relationship with some guy she may never meet. And she doesn't even know if she can have kids! Feel free to offer advice. In the meantime, it's great to have found a bunch of people with a common mindset.

BTW, I don't hate kids, my nephews were a blast and I'm the cool uncle and so forth. Just liking my life way too much to change it that much. Plus, the $$, the noise, the mess, the loss of privacy and all the other reasons people post. And I don't feel I need kids to make a contribution to the world. I've spent my life in natural history filmmaking and feel I've brought/am bringing a lot of great experiences to people they couldn't participate in. And making a difference.

Oh, and if men aren't really welcome, I'm happy to back out with a gentle nudge toward the door and go back to reading. Thanks for listening. Been a tough week<img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Welcome, Freefall!
I found this forum a couple months ago and agree that it is a tremendous relief to be able to talk to like minded people. You are smart to not agree to have kids since you know it isn't what you want for your life. A marriage where you agreed to have kids just to keep your relationship would put a great strain on the relationship. The marriage might not last, then you're left with an ex-wife and a kid! Hang in there - you will meet someone who wants to share your lifestyle and agrees with you on the kid issue.

You can't make her NOT want kids just as she can't make you want them. If having a child is something she wants in life, then it's not your place to put so much pressure on her to change her mind. Having children is a very important part of life for most people and something that can only be done for a limited amount of time. If you somehow convince her to get back with you and not to have a kid, I think it is extremely selfish and unfair of you, since she DOES want them. I really think you should leave her alone and move on. If you love her as much as you say you do, then let her go and do what she thinks is going to make her happy in life.

How old are you two anyway?

[color:"orange"] Welcome, freefall. Men and women are welcome to post here. [/color]

Now, now, you know it's a lot more complicated than that. I'm not trying to convince her not to have children; I could't live with the resentment that would bring and I'm sure it would be death for the relationship. But I've read about a lot of couples here where one did and one didn't and ultimately they decided not to since they wanted the relationship to survive. Meeting people you get along with in that way is rare; so rare that some people never do. We're both really picky as regarding physical, intellectual and professional issues as well as emotional. All I'm saying is that she might never meet the guy she is looking for and be out both the children and a great relationship. Which would be sad for all. Of course she might meet the guy tomorrow but who knows? And neither of us is approaching this from a selfish standard and you shouldn't necessarily assume the depth, or lack thereof, of the conversations we have had on the topic nor our concern for each others wishes, dreams and wellfare. I'm in my 40's and she's in her 30's.

<img src="/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Geez, you make it seem so definitive. Why don't you just agree to go your separate ways and promise to meet up again, in say, 10 or 15 years from now? If she's still single and childless at that point, then you can get back together at that time and live happily, childfree ever after (assuming she'll be beyond her childbearing days).

Ooooo, MEN! <img src="/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" />

Of course you're welcome here. Obviously there are also a ton of childfree men out there, otherwise we'd have no "MARRIED no kids" board...I kinda wish my husband and other husbands/boyfriends out there would post more on the topic. It is great to hear from you, as we get to see the other side of the coin, as it were...we are all childfree and as we are all unique, we have our own reasons.

As for love...stick to your guns. There are many fish in the sea, and you and she both could probably be happier with other people. I know, I know...easier said than done...it can be extremely difficult to let go of someone you care about so much. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Good luck anyway, and may things improve for both of you.

Not a surprise there are men on the board. After all, men don't want to have children; they want their wives to have children. Or their girlfriends, casual acquaintances, one night stands, whatever. If we had to have the kids, the world would be depopulated in 2 generations; and I'm giving us the benefit of the doubt!

Heck, when I googled this topic over the weekend I figured there would all sorts of sights and that guys would be on them. Then I realized there are all sorts of sights for men who don't want kids: Bars, golf courses, workshops, deer camps, clubs, etc.,etc.<img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I'm in that small percentile that would totally fess up to the responsibility of fatherhood, recognize it as the awesome responsibility that it is and want to do the best job in world. Same as any other undertaking. Which of course seems to leak out of every pore and attracts potential moms like bait. Everyone I've ever dated says what a great dad I'd make. Friends who know my orientation tell me, "what a waste of great genes." Drives me crazy. Why isn't it enough to want to live a great life, full of fun and adventure with someone you love and skip the whole family thing? Arghhhh...

[color:"orange"]Misery loves company. Many people with kids will try and attemp to get you to join them bc they are jealous of a childfree person's freedom. Simple as that.
"What a waste of good gene's." I despise that phrase more than any other. Just bc you have good genes doesn't mean your offspring will. Bad unknown genetics have been known to make their mark. [/color]