BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage all i want is for him to love me

I have been married for 14 yrs but have been together for 22 yrs with my first love. I have notice for a while that he has no intrest in making love he shows no affection toward me when we met it was not that bad i can say it was good but it just got worse. We have have problems before but i feel like there is nothing there for him anymore. He has told me that i have pushed him away and loves me but is not in love with me. When he tell me that i feel like what did i do that was so wrong to make him not luv me anymore.I love him so much and i wish he would fill the same about me by showing affection and intrest in me. I dont know if im asking for to much i tell him that i need his love and affection but nothing seems to change is there any hope or is it time to go seperate ways we have 4 kids ages 4-15.Are the kids what is holding him back. I dont know someone please help

I think that your husband needs to be more specific about why he feels this way. What led to this?
If he won't speak to you in depth about it, then counselling is the best mode of communication for you both. It sounds like he's just a bit fed up; marriages can get stale after so long, and adding four kids to the mix can cause couples to grow apart even faster.
Find out what's going on inside his head, and then you can decide what to do - together.

many times stress plays with men. I think that you should wait.

well at first i thought of that but just the other day he told me that he doesn't want to be here anymore and he is not in love with me. He said he use to look forward to comming home after work and now he hates it. I dont know what to do I feel like im going crazy because all i can think about is him telling me that he's not in love with me. I blame myself maybe i wasn't a good wife i dont know someone please help with any suggestions

The first thing that you have to do is STOP BLAMING yourslef, for that is just descrutive, it won't help and it is moreoever NOT TRUE!!! Regardless of how this works out it is NEVER all your fault. Marraige is a commitment between TWO people which means even if one person is behaving in a way or whatnot it is the other perosn's responsibilty to discuss it with them.

I suggest that your husband starts taking responsibility for his feelings and sits down and talks this out with you. You need and moreover deserve an explanation and open conversation from this person who has fathered children with you and shared such a long period of time with you. It seems as if he is quick with the hurtful words and phrases but does not follow them up with a detailed explanation, which is emotionally abusive in my opinion. Regardless of stress or WHATEVER a husband should never be that emotionally abusive as he has been to you. Sure there are going to be fights and arguements but sitting dsown and uncovering the true reasons for those fights is crucial for the both of you to be able to grow, it doen't look like he does that!!

In all of the 22 years that you have been together have you always commmunicated effectively? Communication in a realtionship is key, which again takes two people.

As I read over your two posts, I can feel the hurt in your tone and I see the person who is getting broken down more and more each day!! Please don't let that happen!! You are a mother of four, which I commend you on...that takes a lot of love, support and guidance...what wonderful qualities you must have. That's right you have them and regardless of how this turns out you will always have them because they are a part of you and nobody else!!!!

If not for yourself for your children's sake figure this out!! Demand a discussion with just the two of you or with a counselor present. For every day that passes your self-esteem is shrinking and that is purely sad!!

This is a tough situation and my heart goes out to you as well as my prayers, however "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger!" I know a quote doesn't seem to do much right now but call on your friends, your family and this forum to help you through this. There is a bright light at the end of the tunnel whether you and your husband work things out or go your separate ways, but you have to start walking towards that light and stop blaming yourslef!!

"Everything happens for a reason," so take these developments in your marriage as a sign that something needs to happen one way or the other.

Little story to help you: I was dating someone for about 3 years when I moved to New York to work. I planned to only be there for a little while so he stayed in Florida. I was gone for about 8 months when christmas rolled around. I went home to visit and of course saw him. AT that time it would've been about 4 years that we had been together and in my heart I thought he was the one. So, when I went home he proposed. Work was great in New York but love was more important so I moved from the city back to Florida. He met me at the airport with 2 dozen roses and everything. Two days after I had been back he said he thought we should take a break.....come to find out he cheated on me with the fiance of one of his freinds and was to pathetic to just tell me, of course I found out!! I felt insane!! I had moved from a great job to get my whole life turned upside down. I truly felt scared, crazy the whole nine yards. Not only did he cheat on me turned out to be a totally different person than I thought.

I was originally going to try and "work it out" because I was terrified of being without him. I asked myself over and over what I did wrong until I found my self-esteem on the ground. I think one of the worst feelings is when your heart truly hurts inside and when you feel as if you can't trust.

I bored you with that story to point out that although today feels terrible, there are going to better tomorrows. In time and I mean time you will see that this happened for one reason or another.

You are not alone, you are a great, strong women who will find her way through this, I promise!!

I want to thank you Kristy for the advise i really really appreciate you taking the time out of your life to lend a hand to someone you don't know that shows alot about the kind of person you are I am very greatful. What you said is true everyday that goes bye i feel like im losing it and i know my kids need me.I just dont know what to do I see the way he act and it's like everything is ok. I Have tried to talk to him but we seem to get knowwhere. I dont talk to anyone about this cause i feel ashamed that my husband does not love me so i rather keep it to myself but being here is the only way to express the way i feel. thank you again Kristy

No need to thank me, for I truly think that we are here to help eachother in any way that we can!! I think we all experience good times and bad and it is a beautiful thing if we can help each other through the difficult ones...=-) I am so glad that you have found this forum, for you can expresss how you feel all the time here and you will always have the support of the wonderful women on bellaOnline!!

Please do not feel ashamed about anything!!! You should be proud of yourself everyday. You are a wonderful mother and a beautiful person who is just dealing with something difficult right now!! My best advice again is try and discuss this; putting a band-aid on a problem doesn't always heal it but just hides it for a little while.....you need to communicate so this doesn't keep eating at you!!

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...=-)
Have a great weekend!!

I just wanted to let you know that I went through something similar about a year ago but we got past it and now I'm dealing with something much worse. My husband and I seperated almost a year ago and when he left he told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore and that I had just let myself go. I was so angry with him because the reason he left was because I found out that he had been chatting with women on the internet and trying to develop a relationship. We talked about everything in May and decided we should try and work it out for us and for the kids but under one condition. We still live apart because we work 75 miles apart and decided to move back in together next May as long as everything works out but in the meantime, he wants to be able to sleep around and get it all out of his system. I agreed to it at first because I figured I had a choice to make, either agree to it or lose him forever. Well, tonight he is going to have drinks with someone and probably sleep with them after, the first time since we got back together and I'm not dealing with it so well but I figure what can I do? All I want is for him to love me again which he says he's really close and he told me that he might get there tonight and realize he's doing wrong and never want to do it again. My fear is that he will not want me anymore even though he assures me that isn't the case. The infidelity hurts but what is so hard is that I'm so scared to lose him. So I understand what you're going through wanting your husband to love you. It's crazy the extent we will go to so they will. I just don't want to hurt anymore but I don't want to give him an ultimatum either because I'm afraid it won't be me that he chooses.

I wish you ladies well. I think the husbands know too well how you feel and are playing on your feelings and hurting you even more.

You are absolutely correct. I spoke to my husband before he left to meet this woman tonight and he said he was worried that once he did it, he would lose me, but you know what...he went anyway. So his fear of losing me didn't supercede him wanting to sleep with someone else. His doing this tonight has really made me think about the situation and wonder if I really need this. Yes, we have two kids together and have been together for ten years but how much hurt can one woman take.