BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Child Tolerance and Aging

Human survival and civilization has depended on 'silly breeder parents' for an exceedingly large number of generations.

I'm almost certain that parents pressuring adult children to have their own kids is a deepseated instinct for vengeance. I base this on my own experience, of course - I called the folks to get sympathy for the stages my children were passing through and was puzzled by the response 'maybe they'll call you in 30 years and apologize.'

I was the best behaved, sweetest child of all my siblings and cousins! And then I remembered - vaguely - some conflicts, and my response would have been 'but I was entirely justified...' or 'but I was *right* and you were...' oops.

So I told them I was sorry if I put them through anything like my children ... and through their laughter I heard one of them say 'She said, IF!!'

So now I wonder about my mom saying she hoped I someday had a daughter just like me. Was that a vicious remark? I just don't know.

What I notice about children today is how unexpected it is for them to have one to one conversation with an adult for a few minutes. I wonder if they have five minutes alone with any adult who is interested in them for those few moments.

I know that behavior specialists who work with children who have disabilities tell us 'all behavior is communication.' Children with language impairments misbehave when they are frustrated, when they have pain or illness they can't communicate, and have developed habits where they have not been offered alternate means of communication like sign language or picture cards.

Children with disabilitie who are offered sign language instruction and graphic communication cards or electronics misbehave when 'listeners' are not included in their program. Even the best alternate forms of communication need an interested and responsive receiver.

The folks who put together the 'Baby Sign' books for mainstream children comment that signing babies develop better temperaments when they can communicate before their ability to form words and sentences develops.

When I see mainstream children misbehaving in public, I think that what they lack is a careful, interested listener. Of course, they also need a clue about how to behaver and communicate in a civilized way, an understanding of natural consequences, and eventually the concept of respect and consideration for others.

I have to admit I find the tv show, The SuperNanny, fascinating. It seems as though children are not just raising themselves and one another out in public, they are not getting any kind of clue or support for self control at home, either.

Something that surprised me when I observed a preschool when my children were very young was the effect a staff member had on an out of control child in the classroom. She told him, "I won't let you hurt other children, and I won't let other children hurt you." He seemed stunned to hear that she would protect him as she protected the other rascals.

I have less patience with children than when I was young, but I was always interested in babies and young children, and looked forward to having a family very much, so I have more patience now than many people I know.

I can't tell how much less tolerant I am of children misbehaving in public, because I am often out with friends, one or two of whom have used up all their patience with specific children in their lives.

I sometimes feel I might have to throw myself between a fussy child or whining two year old and certain of my friends, to prevent their piercing glares from causing the child to spontaneously combust.

When my children seem shocked at the behavior of two year olds melting down in public, I confidently assure them that neither of them was every that age. When they are not with me, I tell mothers of young children who are out of control that neither my son or daughter was ever that age.

During college I worked at an organization that sought to reduce child abuse by befriending parents and providing information, support and respite services. Some moms would call to say they were afraid they were going to hurt their babies or toddlers, who of course are totally dependent and always more demanding than expected.

So I figure in some cases, what's needed is a stranger walking up to say 'children can be overwhelming, so it's lucky we moms are superhuman most of the time.'

I never know when the moms at the library who let their children run wild are there because if they stayed at home, their children might not be safe, or they might just to too overwhelmed to see past the next few moments.

I know we are talking about 'parents who let their children run wild' but when we see a mom with wild kids, we never think of the father being that parent by not being around to give the mom a break.

Even moms who hoped and dreamed all their lives of the time they would have their own children never realized that each child is a complicated 24/7 needy sponge. Of course I mean that in a good way.

So, if no one is around to take responsibility for the child for an hour a week so a mom can meet a friend for lunch, paint her nails, make a cup of tea, or take a walk, maybe they take their children with them somewhere just so they can get out into the world.

So we should replace all references to the word 'parent' with 'dads' because the person who usually takes all the responsibility is the one who gets all the blame, and to most of us, 'parent' means the mom, when children are out of control. Being absent certainly is not good parenting. Being there but temporarily unavailable might be.

OK, I have now officially decided to switch to decaf.

Pam W
SE of Seattle

Oh! After all that, I realize that this topic is not in the Senior Issues forum - it's Married No Children, isn't it!

I guess that's a senior issue in itself.

Sorry!

Pam

(((blush)))

<img src="/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Just carry on with what you were doing...

I also find that I am less tolerant of kids as I grow older. Everywhere I go there seems to be at least one screaming child (grocery store, restaurant, movie theatre etc). Yes, I think there are more misbehaved children: people who were misbehaved as kids grow up and have 2 or 3 of their own.
But I think it's not just CF people who have less tolerance of kids as they age... I think it applies to most people. Who LIKES a screaming child???
What ever happened to "children should be seen and not heard"?????

I think that in some areas I have more patience the older I get. There are some times when I am like, they are just being a kid and I can handle the situation. There are other times though when I cannot stand being around the children and it usually has to do with them misbehaving or having a tantrum. I guess that goes into the fact that I don't agree with how parents handle their children sometimes. I definitely have my ideas on how children should be raised and it seems like a lot of parents don't do what they should.

If a kid is having a tantrum, then they need to be removed from the situation if it is in public. Nobody wants to hear a screaming kid. If it is in one's own home, then they can ignore the tantrum if they want and not give into what the kid wants. Even if they are in public and the child is screaming, they should go elsewhere but not be given whatever it is they are screaming about. That would just reinforce the idea that as long as they misbehave they will get what they want. Since when do parents reward a child for bad behavior?

The older I get the more I like my lifestyle the way it is and I don't want kids. My husband and I have a great marriage and I don't want anything to mess it up. Does that make sense? I think kids would really put a kink into our lifestyle and my marriage comes first. I would love to have more dogs though. They are so much better than kids!

I have 3 kids that I had when I was young and they are all almost grown. My youngest is 16. We will go to the store or a restaurant or something and when someone's child starts crying we look at each other and say,"Everywhere we go..." and roll our eyes and laugh. I love kids, sure, sometimes their cute and soft and warm and cuddly (and alseep), then you can give them back to their mothers. lol. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't like other people's teenagers...I think they are wierd

I can't stand young adults. Anyone (not related to me) under 30 anymore annoys me beyond all reason....

I prefer my own children to my nieces and nephews, and I really don't like being stuck in a house while there are little kids running around, dancing or singing. I refuse to sit down and play games with kids and I don't babysit unless I know the parents VERY well! So they know I won't be all easy on their kids. I raised my kids not to be loud and cry all the time and have respect for adults. I insisted that they have manners and use them and I can't stand it when parents are allowing their kids to cry and throw temper tantrums without taking the appropriate action ( I believe in spanking! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)To quote my husband, "Some kids just need their butts whipped".. I taught my kids how to have intelligent conversations and to listen when someone is speaking to them.

I am looking forward to the time when it will be just my husband and me, I love my kids and they are growing up to be pretty great adults, but it will be nice to have the house all to ourselves and to really put the effort into each other for a change. I'm beginning to plan all the things I want to do then... it's going to be great.

It depends whether I'm tired or not. If I'm tired I'm easily annoyed by bad behaviour. If I'm rested I tend to laugh it off easier and think to myself "at least I'm not taking them home".

I'm at the point in life where children bore me and I really don't want to have much to do with them. As much as misbehaving children are a major irritant, I feel sorry for them. They don't know any better and are doing what has worked for them in the past. It's a basic fact of life, if you're raising a child or training a dog or a horse or whatever, behavior that is rewarded will be repeated. The reward can be almost anything but with kids I think it's a need for attention, listening as noted above, some kind of response to their needs. Even though I feel sorry for them, I have less and less patience due to less and less interest.

You choose a lifestyle and remember that it is your choice, not someone else's. No one lives my life but me.

My husband and I enjoy our life the way it is, with travel, theatre, and the new careers we choose to start a few years ago. While we would never be mean to any child, we choose to vacation where there are no children and I have very little patience with parents who take their children to adult themed movies where the kids are understandably bored and then act up.

Other people may make different choices and I respect that. What I don't respect is cruelty towards anyone who has made a different life choice.

As for childish behaviour, name-calling is a childish action. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I would not say that I am less tolerant. I am less tolerant of children that are not being raised with an idea or understanding of respect and reverence. When I was a little Parris one did not talk around adults. YOu were seen and not heard. Yes ma'am, and No ma'am were common practice.

Now parents want to be FRIENDS with their children. Because so many of these parents are single......they believe their child should be their buddy, a real live play thing.

People say to me "your son is so well behaved, you should come and help me with mine" NO.....first you should have chose wisely in the type of man you allowed to drop sperm into.....but you didn't so you are raising your child alone.

You should try being a parent, and not a buddy.

I think I have become more intolerant of parents now that I thinik of it.

PaRrIs