She said to me, "You know, so many of my patients have babies because they think they should. It never works out well." Then I was talking to a family friend who told me that she had kids because she thought she should & it was expected of her, and if she had to do it over again she wouldn't have had them. Eventually I came to the realization that in our child-obsessed culture it's such a taboo to admit that having children isn't the most fulfilling thing you've ever done, that we rarely hear the voices of people who regret having them. I also came to the conclusion that no matter what choices we make in life, we will always sacrifice something. All we can do is make the choices that best reflect our true nature - in my case it was not having a baby. Also, I realized that pregnancy and raising a child are two separate things. One can always adopt a child, volunteer as a "big sister, become a mentor etc.
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Greenblue,
Wow, what a great post. I look like a newbie, folks, but I posted under the moniker "Dr_Band" over the summer --- just changed my handle to reflect a fave new hobby of mine. Also had very little time over the late summer due to organizing a new central New England CF Meetup through Meetup.com, which is a total hoot.
Anne Landers, whose folksy midwestern values place her...um...well, not exactly in the vanguard of the hip, carefree childfree life, did a poll in the 1970s. It asked "If you knew then what you know now about parenting, would you do it again?". 70% of Anne's middle-of-the-road, conservative-leaning readership said a loud, resounding "NO"!!! Unfortunately, no poll like that would likely be allowed in today's "PC", nominally "famblee-friendly" America, so I guess we're lucky to have ever had one at all, back during the comparatively free-wheeling 70s. But it was interesting that, when guaranteed total anonymity, Anne's readership let down their hair and said no, the tradeoffs weren't worth it.
Here's the URL:
http://happilychildfree.com/ann.htmYou're right, Greenblue --- the idea of a parent admitting that they're not happy with their lot is a HUGE taboo. Parenting (when done right!) is such a huge undertaking, such a ridiculously big job, that admitting it's not one's cup of tea after the fact just isn't something we often see ("Um, I think I've just ruined my life"). Fortunately, the CF movement is on the rise and getting more and more visibility (20% of US women are currently "childless" at age 40 -- of course, many of those aren't CF; it might be due to infertility or lack of an appropriate partner --- but still, that number has multiplied several times over since the 1970s).
Also, even people who are parents seem to often be more open to the idea that not everyone should follow in their footsteps. I've heard many parents of my students (I'm a HS music teacher) say "Hey, it's not for everyone". Maybe they *actually* are thinking "Wow, I kinda wish I hadn't", but at least they're acknowledging it's a choice.
I turned 40 this year, am getting married to my fab 44-year old CF guy next month (a second marriage for both of us; he is a step-father from his first marriage to a step-daughter, now 24, whom he raised as his own from age 4. Both of our first marriages ended due to substance abuse problems in our ex-spouses), and have zero regrets. He told me he was snipped on our first date (things moved quickly, as we met on Match.com and had been emailing back and forth for a month before meeting) and I nearly jumped his bones right there in the restaurant. (just kidding...but yes, it was good, good news).
Good to be back, all ---
Elise <img src="/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" />
