BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids The BIG 4-0 Panic...????

Have any of you turned (or are close to turning) 40 and experienced that panic that you HAVE to DECIDE about kids NOW? I have never felt that maternal instinct (heck, when I was a kid all my cousins would coo and fawn over the newest family baby and all I ever wanted to do was something ELSE).

BUT I have to say that when I turned 40, I DID have a brief moment of 'what if' - you know, what if it's not the right decision, what if I grow old and am alone, what if I regret not having kids. I poured out my heart to my hubby (God bless him!) and realized the 'what if' did not apply to me. I LOVE my life EXACTLY as it is and wouldn't change it for the world.

Even IF at some point I decided I needed a child to complete me (which I don't) there is always adoption. I think sometimes the 'biological clock' is something women really worry a lot about!

Just curious if any of you ladies out there had a similar experience (you don't necessarily have to be 40 either!) <img src="/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" />

I'm 33, and am very sure i don't want to have children. But i know what you mean about feeling like there's a clock ticking on a big decision. I often used to wonder if i'd regret not having a child when i'm old(er). The more i thought about it, the more i figured i could regret doing or not doing lots of things in my life. I decided to trust myself to make the best decisions for now. And if i regret them later, there's nothing i can do about it. Regret is so pointless, isn't it?
Sounds like you have a lovely life, and that you've got a great partner to share it with. Long may it last!

Oh yes. Aside from a brief period in my single mid-20's, my biological clock never really kicked in, so I kept extending my "window" -- I'll have kids at 30 (just married)...no, 35 (just bought a house)... no, 37... then I really hit the panic button. Not the "I have to have a kid" but "what's wrong with me that I don't want kids." A coworker got preg. (she was 40 at the time) and I had a REALLY hard time with it, the whole idea, all the physical stuff (she gave me blow by blow acct of every little detail -- hey thanks!), etc. This plus all the other baby/preg related junk that already freaks me out. I never felt that need to go through the whole birth experience, breastfeeding is gross to me, I gag at the slightest nasty smell or sight, etc.

I went to a counselor who basically encouraged me to trick DH into having kids. Because if it was so important to me (which was the reason i was there in the first place - to figure out why it wasn't), I shouldn't let him deter me from what I want. He had concerns - financial and others - and her thing was that he'd always have some excuse to put it off and I shouldn't stand for that. Uhm, yeah.

So DH and I talked more seriously about it, about how much our lives would change, what our reservations were, etc. Ultimately we decided that the parenting - being role models, giving guidance, etc - was more important to us than procreation. We have nieces/nephews to fulfill that. And we decided that we could always adopt or become foster parents. Besides, older children have always appealed to me more - they can "bathroom" on their own! ;-)

I kind of went through a panic a few years ago, thinking that I needed to force myself to have kids because I was starting to get pressure from people and because my friends were starting to have them. Problem is, you can't force yourself to want something like that. I feel sure of my decision. I know people always say, "You'll regret not having them" but I think it's better to regret not having them than to have one and not want it. Thank goodness my mother supports and my good friends do.

My husband is having a hard time adjusting, saying he wants "the challenge of raising a child". But I'm the one who who have to give birth to it, and pregnancy doesn't appeal to me at all. Breastfeeding to me is gross as well; I know there's a lot of pressure on women to do it, and I don't want to face that pressure. Plus, the lifetime commitment of a child is suffocating to me. But my husband has all these financial plans he wants to pursue, like building a house and investing in a business, so I'm thinking by the time he would want one, I'd be close to 40 (I'm 33 now). It would be risky for me to have a child, not to mention the risk of Down's syndrome and other diseases would be higher. I feel at peace with my decision, but am concerned about my husband. I refuse to cave in, and have already told him so.

I am nowhere close to 40 yet, but I can see that I'll never--ever--ever want kids. I really do NOT like them (if I said *hate* a lot of you might get on me for that), and as much as I love my fiance, if he ever wanted kids, he'd be gone. We already have a kid (his name is Thomas and he's already litterbox trained), and we both love him very much. I don't think I've ever looked into the future, thinking that I would be wondering THEN if I should have kids or not. Why have kids if you've never liked them? And why would I want to start, like you guys said, a committment for a lifetime (besides my fiance)? If I were EVER (not gonna happen) change my mind I'd adopt. All the people on the Earth now are killing it...why would I add to that?

Sorry, that was a rant...I just figured if anyone would listen to my rants about children it'd be you guys! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Down's was one of our concerns as well -- we have it both sides of both our families (a cousin on every side, one institutionalized). My gyn. said it wouldn't necessarily increase our risk but that they would recommend the early screenings if I were to get preg. With my age already increasing that risk, we just thought it was better not to chance it. I'm not a weak person (in spite of my weak stomach), and I know if I wanted a baby and then had a disabled child, I'd deal with it accordingly. But having a child was not important enough to me to ignore the risks.

Although DH (the engineer) watches all these Discovery channel shows, and one time said something about all the things the baby can experience while in the womb (the mother's voice, music, etc.) I teased him that we could not have a baby as a science experiment!

40 is still a LONG way off for me. But... I just really don't think I have a functioning biological clock. I've absolutely no urge whatsoever to have kids. I think they're cute and all and enjoy holding brand new ones. But I have an intense urge to give them right on back after a very short time. I just don't get all gooey and emotional over them so I don't think it's going to be a problem.

You ladies are all so very ELOQUENT in how you describe your thoughts and experiences! It helps me SO much to have a place to express my thoughts (to other women, not just hubby). I am very lucky to have my great life and really don't want to change it.

I cannot BELIEVE a therapist would tell someone to 'trick' their spouse on this subject!!! It is important to have HONESTY in a relationship as well as a commitment from both sides to have a child. WOW she should be kicked out of practice.

Also, I am non-judgmental... if someone hates kids, they have the absolute right to feel that way! No fear that I will slap them down for expressing themselves... I appreciate your input and comments so much! :-)

I just turned 40 and absolutely felt that my time was running out and I had to make a definite decision about whether or not to have a baby. I wanted to be sure of what I wanted before bringing it up to my DH. We've been married for a little over a year and everything is so wonderful. I am enjoying our life together so much that I'm not sure I want to change anything about it. Then there's the fact that I'll be looking forward to retirement when it's time for the kid to go to college. Also, I work with children and it takes so much energy. I'm always grateful to come home to a quiet, peaceful house. I don't think I'd have the energy or the patience to devote to a little one when I got home. I like my "me" time. DH doesn't want children because of the college issue and concerns about the necessary lifestyle changes, but before we got married he said he wanted me to be happy, implying that he'd still consider it. We haven't talked about it since, and like I said, I'm still trying to figure out what I want. I certainly wouldn't have a child if it wasn't something we both agreed on, and I'd NEVER oops him. I was doing research when I found this site, and it's been a great help. It's a difficult decision for me, but I'm definitely leaning toward being CF. I also read "Childfree and Loving It", which helped me think more about the question in terms of overpopulation and other world issues.

I have the summer off, and not once last summer did I think, "Gee, I wish I had a baby to take care of right now." I spent quite a bit of time with my niece and nephew. I love them to pieces, but was always relieved when they went to bed so I could have some time to myself!

I was just really shocked at how quickly - like within our first session - she turned the focus from why I think I don't want kids to an attack on my husband. She took my words and twisted them to make him sound selfish and controlling, which he is neither. I only went to a handful of sessions - after the first I thought maybe I misunderstood. But by the time she said I shouldn't let him "deny" me what I wanted, it was obvious I wasn't going to get anywhere with her. Of course she couched it in "talk with him" language, but that wasn't her real message. I was mortified. It really put me off trying to find another counselor because I thought I couldn't get objectivity from anyone who had kids.

Summer, I find it interesting that you work with kids and don't want any of your own. Before I hit 40, each time I "decided" that I "definitely" didn't want them, I felt compelled to volunteer or do something that involved children. It's like I want them in my life, but I don't want them 24/7. I love volunteering at the animal shelter when we host the girl scouts (we do groups of 60 girls at a time). It's exhausting, but the kids are great. And then I come home to my quiet, furry family and I'm so relieved!!