Dear Bastcat,
Okay, since you asked I'll give you a more detailed opinion. First, the easy stuff. Yes, I agree that your boyfriend's son's mother's (that's complicated to say!) new divorce is probably fueling the child's behavior problems. Still, that doesn't really change anything about your situation. You also mentioned that you and your man have a wonderful relationship. Congratulations! You are already more blessed with romance than many people are.
Now for the meatier stuff that may be harder to chew. I personally believe that a financial crisis is not the best reason to move to the higher level of co-habitating in a relationship. Also, if you are not merely roommates but rather share a bed with your beloved, than you are not sparing any of the heartache or adjustments that go along with remarrying, for you or your child. In fact, co-habitating can actually be more difficult because boundaries are blurred and roles are undefined and confusing. Co-habitating may be easier and faster to get out of than remarriage (unless domestic abuse is involved) but that's about the only advantage I see.
If you and your boyfriend have the HEALTHY relationship you describe, then it will survive you regaining your independence for you and your son. Nothing says that you can't still date and perhaps even schedule activites with the kids where they can get to know each other when neither boy is threatened by the presence of the other (because I also believe that his son is acting out about your child, as well).
You may be inclined to want to help "fix" your boyfriend's child by being more understanding of what he's going through. Or you may feel that you're abandoning your man when he needs you to help him with his problem child. Please don't get sucked into that pit of thinking! You have responsibility for your child and he has responsibility for his! Only HE can do what is necessary to correct the problems with his son. Your good intentions would actually only backfire with his son, and could do harm to your son in the process!
Time and distance will let you see how all this will develop. Perhaps his son will grow out of this terrible stage of behavior. Or maybe not, in which case you will have protected your son from experiencing emotional cruelty and perhaps even physical harm. Having more time alone with your son will also help you separate from the emotional wounds from your past, which will only help when you are finally ready to commit to a long-term relationship again (marriage?).
Finally, your son may not be old enough to understand everything that's going on, nor should he know all of the "adult" details. However, please talk to him about his feelings and some of yours, as well. Be sure to tell him you love him, that he's number one, a great son, etc. And it doesn't hurt to explain to him that you've never been a mommy before and that sometimes you make mistakes, but that you're doing the best you can. Regardless, make sure he knows that you'll never leave him and that you'll ALWAYS do everything in your power to protect him. Believe me, you won't be sorry. So many kids rebel simply because they don't feel important or a priority (and I don't mean a spoiled brat kind of priority) in their partents' lives. It doesn't hurt for him to know you're human and that you need to back up and do something different now. Be sure to not minimize his feelings when he shares them, but affirm that what he feels is valid. And most of all, a mother's hug does wonders!
I can tell you're a great mom or you wouldn't have reached out in this way. You and your son are going to come through this stronger. Perhaps the relationship with your boyfriend will even survive, too. It may or may not ever develop past dating (his son may always be a problem - lots of stepmoms will attest to that fact!) but that doesn't mean you can't still have love in your life!
Stay strong and follow your true path! God bless you! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
