BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Unexpectedly Embracing CF -- Looking for advice

[color:"blue"] Amen, FreeSpirit. Also, tell the people, whomever they may be, that you are simply not comfortable talking about the matter. They should take a hint. Take care, Biker. [/color]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for your words of encouragement and support. I need it. I have actually taken a couple of different approaches this past day and a half when telling friends about our decision to not adopt and instead embrace our CF choice. For our closer friends who I believe really care a lot about us...I am opting to bring up the discussion to get it "over with". It's interesting....some friends are remarkably supportive but one of my other really long-term "best" friends is angry and aggravated and kept telling me that I really need to re-think my decision because I'm just over-reacting and I'll be sorry. Jeez. Talk about hurtful. How can she even imagine not being 1000% there for me?! She had the audacity (sp?) and unkindness to tell me that I needed to change my mind and "just adopt"!! It really makes me appreciate how careful and supportive and extra caring I want to be with anyone I know...much less close friends....when they are grappling with a tough change in their life. I choose Compassion, not Selfishness.

Honestly, I just want this period to be over with and I want to move forward and find happiness and comfort and joy in my new lifestyle. I guess it just won't happen overnight....everything's a process, isn't it?

Take Care.
BikerGirl

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[color:"blue"] Biker girl, your close friend sounds very insensitive to me. She doesn't know what is right for you. You may have to have some distance from her until she gets past this. Keep your head up. [/color]

Your friend definitely shouldn't have responded that way. Maybe she was just very surprised because she knows how much of yourself you invested in the adoption and can't imagine you would decide against doing it. I know that adoption is a long, drawn out process, and I'm sure you and your husband put a lot of thought into your decision to not go through with it. I hope that your friend thinks about this and realizes that it was a difficult decision to make, but it was YOUR decision and her job as a friend is only to be supportive.

i'm sorry your friend reacted that way. that was definitely tactless. distance might be a good thing right now. and if she asks you why you're being distant, let her know that her comments hurt you at a time when you needed comfort and not judgement. ((((hugs)))) when it comes to telling others, if they ask, just reply that it didn't work out and tell them it's still painful to discuss. they should get the hint and drop the subject. or perhaps you could ask a close friend (not the one you mentioned though) if they could tactfully spread the word (only if you want it to come out this way). it's just something to consider.

you've got a lot of healing ahead of you. and it will take time. but you'll make it. you have the support of your husband, and that is wonderful. my husband has sustained me through this whole crazy ordeal. you will have days when it will hit you hard, but when those times come, just remember how strong you were the day before. and try to get that strength back. you have to keep reminding yourself that you can make it. when i'm going through a tough time with it (like this month especially), i have to remind myself that i've made it this long, i can keep on going.

(((((hugs)))))

Here is a haiku that sums up my thoughts on the subject. (I'm making this up as I go along, by the way.)

If a friend does not
Respect your choices in life
She is not a friend.

Hi there NC BMW Biker! If you want to have a good time with other childfree people, please check out our social club, NO KIDDING! We have two chapters in NC, one in Raleigh and one in Charlotte (of which I am the founder). I don't know where in NC you are but come join us to make friends who will not only NOT tell you to adopt, but will embrace your final choice to be childfree. We look forward to seeing you soon! Check us out at www.nokidding.net and you can find our NC chapters there.

Candy

Biker: I was in an almost similar situation, however, I am not married. My story: I went through infertility with my partner and eventaully had to have a hysterectomy. Me and the partner broke up and I decided to undertake an international adoption from Ethiopia on my own. While preparing to start the adoption process, I met another single woman who had adopted from Ethiopia and she allowed me to spend time with her child so that I could get some experience in mothering. Through spending time with her child, I realized that motherhood was not for me. I am so glad I found out in time.

I was sad after the realization because I had planned so long to be a mother and "suddenly" those plans were dashed. It has been almost a year since I changed my mind and I have embraced my childfreeness and am enjoying it greatly!!!! I'm living my life, traveling, completing a graduate degree and still spend time with my friend's daughter and it is a joy watching her grow up.

I have her over for a sleep-over one weekend per month and I really enjoy it and equally enjoy when I take her back to her mother. For myself, I could not mother 24/7 and that realization has set me free.

I do from time to time see families and think "what did I give up" but then I'll think of something else wonderful about being childfree and I'm happy all over again about the decision I made.

Quite a few co-workers, family and friends knew about my plans and I told each one when they would inquire about my adoption plans, that I changed my mind and was happy and content with my decision.

Finally, my bestfriend, who just had a child at 45 via IVF, was not supportive of my decision to remain CF. She would also say things like, "I don't want you to miss out on this joy that I have" or from time to time will utter how "motherhood is the best thing to happen to her." I was mad and hurt for a long time with her, but as her son has grown bigger I think that she has gotten a dose of what motherhood is really about and is not as gun ho with enthusiam any longer. In fact, she is now always telling me how great my life is and how lucky I am to be able to travel to great places all of the time.

Time heals all. Keep the faith!

" Just remember that your happiness is your choice, not dependent on your life circumstances. We are happy because we choose to be, not because of luck or fate."






What wonderful words of advice!!!! I will carry them with me always!