BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Unexpectedly Embracing CF -- Looking for advice

Hello.

I have been reading this forum for the last couple of days. I have good vibes about this community and would appreciate your advice and thoughts.

My DH and I spent many years with fertility issues and then 2 more years trying to adopt a toddler from China. However, with only 3 months left before traveling to China, we just found out a few weeks ago that we have to pull out of the adoption process due to a medical issue. Although we could definitely proceed with the adoption, we think it's too risky and not fair to us or to the child. And, we think...as both of us are in our mid-40's....that we're just too old to start this process. We started all of this in our 30's and now that we are confronted with a potentially significant medical issue, our age is playing even more a role of our changing our minds.

So, we are working hard to embrace our new CF lifestyle....but we're sad (most especially my DH) and we're scared...and we honestly feel a bit lost. Have any of you thought you were going to have children but then due to circumstances and "time clicking by"....elected to embrace the CF life instead? Was it hard? Do you have any advice or comments?

Thanks for your thoughts. I think this MNK forum is a wonderful resource.

[color:"blue"] Welcome, NC_BMW_Biker, but I do have to ask, why do you two view the childfree lifestyle as sad? I'm childfree of course, I don't view my lifestyle as sad. More of a free and liberating one. My dh and I both can go out to eat on a whim, our attention is on each other, never on a kid. We live comfortably, and dh and I are able to buy stuff for ourselves, not some kid. Embrace being childfree. I love it, and wouldn't want it any other way. [/color]

Hello! It sounds as if children were planned to be a major part of your life. Not "having" them doesn't mean you can't have them in your life. Big Brothers/Big Sisters and other agencies are always looking for volunteers. I've found that I don't have to "have" kids, for kids like these to be "my kids."

Well, and I'm CF by choice, I really like the fact that I give them back to a (hopefully) more responsible person at the end of the day. The idea of taking full responsibility for a child really gives me the willies.

There are a bunch of CF folks on the board that are CF due to medical reasons. I'll be they have some really good adjustment tips for you.

Deep breath!

Hello NC BMW Biker

Welcome, I'm rather new also.
Coming here will be a big help to you, it has been for me.

I think you're being sad is natural and with time you will feel better.

I believe we feel sad sometimes because we have dreamt of this sweet little child that our minds have created, but in reality there is alot more to parenting then that. It's hard work and you never know what your child will be like really. If you will try and stop tuning in to the diaper commercials that we are bombared with and really start looking at the reality of it all you can come to terms with the idea of a CF life and then really start appreciating it for what it is. I'm am 46 years old now and have realized that I have wasted my time feeling bad for not having children because society has made me feel that if I wasn't a mother I didn't measure up as a women and that is just a bunch of BS. Start living your life to the fullest now and be happy, life is too short. Remember just because people have children doesn't mean they're always going to be at their side, kids grow up and have their own lives.

I hope this and the other posted that you will read will be helpful. I know that just realizing that there are other people out there that are CF and happy has been a big help to me, so come here and read and post whenever you can and you will see how much better you feel.

hey biker. welcome. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

we are cf, but not by choice. after 10 years of trying to conceive, we had to face the fact that this is what our life is supposed to be. it's a very hard adjustment. the feelings are not like a light switch that you can just turn off suddenly. i wish i could sometimes though. i worry that since it took 10 years to come to the realization, is it going to take 10 more years to learn to cope? i hope not. i do think i'll always feel some emptiness since this is something i wanted so desperately. but i know that eventually, with time and patience, the pain won't be as great as it is now. heck, it's less than it was a few years ago, so that's progress.

for some reason, we are still hopeful. not much, but a little. even my husband jokes about it sometimes, and he is the one who is coping much better. but we know that life will be wonderful without children. after all, we have made it this far, right? and things have been pretty good so far.

you'll have good days, and you'll have bad days. but the good will eventually outnumber the bad. i used to cry a lot, but not so much anymore. my best friend had her second child last week, and even though it does hurt, i haven't shed any tears. i don't know if it's because there just aren't any left, or if it's because i'm numb now, or if i'm just starting to heal.

hang in there. and embrace the life you do have. so many times i focus on what i don't have, when i've already been blessed more than i deserve. someone told me something wonderful once...."never cry for the lack of the sun. your tears won't allow you to enjoy the wonder of the stars." it puts things into perspective for me. and the quote, "if the Lord has set you free, be free indeed," applies to my situation really well. we've been given a lot of freedom. we should embrace it and do something wonderful with it.

if the need to nurture is still very strong, do like one of the pp's mentioned. get involved in the life of a child. i teach junior high and in the evenings work at a volunteer tutoring center for socio-economically disadvantaged kids (well, anyone can come, but most of our kids are struggling). it helps a lot. and it's rewarding to you and to the kid and the community.

(((((hugs)))))
i know how hard it is. but you'll make it. it just takes lots of time and lots of support.

[color:"purple"] It may help, but don't watch t.v., except for the news. (Except the animal planet channel is good, b/c it's not baby centered, instead, it's animal centered. It's my favorite channel to watch) T.v. and the media can be very breederific. They litteraly like to kiss up to breeders butts. (Those who had children, yet don't discipline them.) Some areas havw No Kidding! groups, which are for childfree, where childfree find support. [/color] <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hello Everyone.

My goodness, I came into work this morning (after posting my first message last night) and I had all this wonderful encouragement and support....and understanding. I appreciate it so much. I know it will take time for us to adjust, but I do have a wonderful husband (married for 18 years) who is my best friend and we do share so many interests together. And, I am really an optimist at heart and do want to live joyfully and not regretfully. Your suggestions and support are wonderful and I appreciate it.

What I'm not looking for to is having to inform our friends, work colleagues, neighbors, etc that we're not adopting and we're moving on with our CF life. We've had so many people help us and support us both through our infertility times and especially through the adoption process so I'm honestly kind of dreading having to "replay" our new news. It's not that I feel apologetic about our decision...it's just that my friends will really care about what's happening and we'll just have to get through it and then move on and embrace our new world...which I do believe can be and will be incredibly rewarding and exciting.

So, thanks again. You guys are really nice.

If I may say so, you are a creditand a joy to us.....With regard to sharing your news with others though, I would just keep absolutely quiet about it all, and simply not bring the subject up at all....Most people, knowing the difficulties you have experienced, will be reluctant to confront you with more probing questioning, and may draw their own conclusions....
If anyone DOES ask, just say that "Che sara sara".. Thinking about it has created so much stress for you, that now you've decided to NOT think about it any more.....and then change the subject....

Big thumbs up, my dear!

Dear Biker (do you mind if I call you that?),

First of all, thanks so much for coming to us for advice. It is a real treat to try to help others in their time of need.

Being an optimist will definitely help you. Just remember that your happiness is your choice, not dependent on your life circumstances. We are happy because we choose to be, not because of luck or fate.

As far as informing everyone, you could do it different ways depending on your situation. If you are as flamboyant as me and my husband, maybe you'd have a party -- a Childfree Shower or an Unbirthday Party. If you are more reserved, you might follow Alexandra's advice and avoid the subject. (This method will work better if you have friends who can take a hint.)

I get the feeling that your situation is maybe somewhere in between. If there is anyone really close to you or who needs to know the information, you could approach them with the news. As for others, you could wait until (when and if) they ask, and then explain if you are comfortable explaining it to them. The amount of detail is up to you. I'm sure there will be some people who you might just say, "Unfortunately, that's not happening now; our circumstances changed, and I don't really want to talk about it."

Meanwhile, there will be others who have been supportive of you, and you might say "I really appreciate all your help through this. It didn't work out, but I feel that your involvement really strengthened our friendship. Let's look on the bright side: it was a true kindness of you to help me, and that reflects positively on you as a person." (For this last one, just remember that every cloud has a silver lining. Every story can have a happy ending or a good result if you wish it to.)

If you like children, there are other ways to be involved with them, everything from short-term babysitting or volunteering all the way to long-term, committed mentoring or even foster parenting.

Or, if your reasons for having wanted kids were to honor/continue your family, reach out to the younger members of your family such as nieces and nephews. I have many good memories of my childfree uncles being around when I was a child, and they had a tremendously positive influence on me. Many children much prefer their aunts and uncles to their own parents; in this way, being CF is a real blessing to all parties involved! <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alternately, you could just avoid children like I do, but it sounds like you had a genuine interest in them.

You may also struggle with the meaning of your lives or your marriage since you're not having kids. I say, get involved in the community to help find meaning...go to your chosen organization of worship, or volunterring / civil service, or just follow the dreams and interests you had before the whole kid issue even came up. You can also join childfree organizations if you want to.

Best of luck with everything.

Oh yeah, I agree with Waterlily's advice of not watching TV, but for a different reason -- if you're not careful, the TV will turn you into a zombie. <img src="/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" />

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