BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Any suggestions?

I have been married to my husband for almost 10 months. We have been together for a little over 2 and a half years. I fell in love with the charming, caring man that I thought I could live with for the rest of my life. But things have changed. I have no friends except the wives of his friends. As of late it seems like we fight more than we don't. Little things, such as me not coming outside to help him hook his trailer up to his truck, when he gets home makes him mad. I feel like he expects me to be super woman and be able to do everything around the house, the chores, take care of his kids, take care of him, hold a full time job and then wonders why I don't have time to sit down on the couch and watch tv with him. The most common thing that we fight about is him not being to work on time. He relys on me to wake him up but gets mad when I keep telling him to "get up" I have tried everything to wake him up - sex, turning lights on, setting 3 alarms, being the nicest I can possibly be at 4:30 in the morning. It starts every day off wrong when we fight first thing in the morning. Sometimes it just escalates from there and will last throughout the day. We are both stressed out about money so that doesnt help. He has 2 kids from his past marriage and they are the #1 priority always. I realize they are important but it seems like when they are around I feel like I am just the nanny not stepmom or wife. I don't feel like I get the love and respect that a wife deserves. Sometimes I feel like I try so hard to please him of the things that he complains about that I don't have the time or the energy to focus on the important things. The lack of sex that we have is an issue. But I am expected to initiate that and know when he wants it. He tells me the reason that he doesn't initiate it is because in his previous marriage he was rejected a lot and that makes him hesitant to even try. Should I have to suffer because of that? Why do I not get a fresh chance? When we have a big fight and I ask him how we are supposed to fix it he says if I just did what he told me to do we wouldn't fight. Like wake him up on time. At night he wants to stay up and watch tv until about 11:00 and I am not supposed to say a word about going to bed but he doesn't understand that when you don't get enough sleep it is hard to wake up. duh! I have started going to bed before he does because I can't run on 5 hrs of sleep a night. Sometimes he will fall asleep on the couch so because I don't want him to hurt in the morning I go and wake him up and tell him to come to bed. To him that is me bothering him. But if I leave him then he is mad for me letting him sleep on the couch. I don't know what to do anymore. We have already talked about divorce. Actually it was more that if I didn't get my act together that I he was going to sell the house and we were going to get divorced. I am a very strong believer in marriage and you work the problems out together and do whatever it takes to save your marriage. When we have arguments he is always distracted by a magazine, the tv, or something that does not give me his full attention. I have tried to just talk to him in a calm way and there is always something else he has to do. I have suggested that we go to counseling but he said he doesn't need somebody to tell him what to do. He said it might help me to go to fix my problems. Well when I told him last week that I was going to check around to go he said be careful because sometimes it makes things worse. It's like he doesn't want to save our marriage it is either his way or not at all and he expects me to fix it all by myself. He says that he is not going to work together to help our marriage until I start doing what he says. I need some advice. Am I the only one out there that has these problems. I want to save my marriage and I want to be able to get along and grow old together. I love him. Please help.

Dear Tired,

No way , don't think for one minute you are the only one with marriage issues. I have things that need to be addressed from time to time and have been married 5 years. 2nd marriage. It would be nice if both of you could sit down together for just a half hour a day with no distractions and in a loving way voice what issues you are having but try not to say things like it's always YOUR fault. Don't place blame. Work things out together. I suggest counceling and if he does not want to go, go your self for a month or so. I did this in my first marriage for two months and it really helped me to see the light. We all have issues, don't let the world tell you other wise, nothing is perfect here on earth we all have our trials and tribulations to work through. Marriage is not easy it is definitely all about COMPROMISE! Good luck to you <img src="/images/graemlins/lovers.gif" alt="" />

Tired,
How long can you go on being exhausted? Nothing kills life like lack of sleep. You need to tell him that you need your sleep to be able to function as a human being. That is number 1.

Number 2: you say you love him. Okay, but...love works best when it is reciprocated, when it is a two way street where you both come together. Marriage should be a meeting of two people who respect the other person and don't put all the blame on one.

You both need counseling but that will only work if you both approach it as a way to help each other. No counselor worth her salt "tells" you how to fix your marriage. They advise.

Ask yourself if you would be better off emotionally without him. It is a hard question but it needs to be asked. Stress, and sleep deprivation, kill.

Dear Tired,
Nothing kills a woman's sex drive like no help with the housework. If your husband wants a little more nookie, tell him you get turned on by watching him vacuum. Seriously, tell him that you will be a hap-hap-happier wife if he would do the dishes for instance. Men need specifics-so tell him what sorts of things would make you smile more, have time to cuddle up with him on the couch and watch tv. and have some zip left over for bedtime. And you might also need a little encouragement to let some things go if he would like your company. We can become martyrs to the house in a hurry.
Then there's the waking him up thing. Tell him nothing is less sexy than being someone's mother. If you are responsible for waking him up, you are his mom and he is reliving his rebellious teenage years again. Tell him straight out that you are not willing to start the day with a fight each morning, and that from now on, he is responsible for that part of his life. He will be angry (no one likes to be held accountable) and he will be truly peeved (and likely it will be "your fault" not his) the first few mornings he oversleeps and is late for work. However, persevere, and make sure you don't engage in any arguments about this, and it will get better if you stick to your guns. You've kind of let yourself fill that role of mother to the whole gang of them, and no man really wants/likes to feel/be treated like a child. Tell him you want him to be your man, you don't want to be his mother.
Good luck!

well it happened again this morning. Today is my step kids' first day of school. My husband always goes to their first day with them and he had to go to work before he left which ment he had to be leaving the house at 4:15am. If you have read my previous post you all know that getting out of bed is the biggest chore for him. I started waking him up at 3:30am and it wasn't until 4:10 that he woke up and was mad because he was late. He started off by calling me a bit** face c*nt and told me not to be there when he got home. He said that I let him down on the most important day of the year. then he threw his wedding ring at me and told me that it didn't mean anything to him today then proceded to leave the house to go spend the day with his kids and his ex-wife without it on. Maybe I am making a big deal out of the ring but to me that is more than just a piece of metal. It means, to me, that he doesn't want to be married to me today. All because he can't be an adult and get out of bed on his own. You would think that as important as today is to him that he would just get up. I am at a crossroads that i don't know which way to turn. The other night I slept in the living room because one of our dogs was having puppies and he got up early all by himself. Should we have to sleep in seperate rooms in order to not start off the day with a fight? His sollution was to just get dressed and go to work at night and sleep in his truck. WHAT DO I DO?

Leave.

He's immature, selfish and abusive. Sorry, but his language and actions are abusive. He's using your marriage and your love to blackmail you.

Accept the fact that he does not want to change and go find yourself a MAN--not a spoiled brat this time. There are plenty of both still out there, so take your time.

You do get to choose what you want in life--and you can change your mind. You can right now recreate your life to be the one you deserve. It is possible to live in a home that is a peaceful haven from the world, where your troubles are the stuff of life, not vicious attacks from the one who is supposed to love you.

Good Luck and Godspeed!

I agree with Bella Deb. Get out quickly and find a nice loving man, not a spoiled brat.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. But he was able to get up on his own before he met you, and while he was dating you, right? He's a big boy. You're his wife, not his mother. If he chooses to sleep in the truck than that's his choice. And you need to love yourself. Being manipulated, controlled and verbally abused is not a healthy love. Stand up for yourself. I know it's easier said than done and perhaps you wish you could fix this irrational, immature behavior but the fact is it's HIS behavior and his CHOICE to behave this way. Take care, and you are SO not alone with these feelings or thoughts.

Now you see why he was divorced - might have been worth talking to the ex-wife before committing. It's not too late though - his 2nd divorce is a-coming!

The concensus here in the Forum is to leave. I would not tolerate anyone calling me names- that is called emotional abuse!All of us here feel the same way.

Leave him immediately if you want any type of life at all. <img src="/images/graemlins/wall.gif" alt="" /> You are hitting a brick wall by staying with him.

You were put on earth to be happy, not to make an immature, "boy-brat" (no real man is abusive),feel good by hurting you!He feeds his own childish self by doing this.

Leave for your own sake.


Sacred Jude, Spirit Guide!!