BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage My marriage is dead

Can anyone have a relationship without trust? Can a relationship restore trust when one does not want it to work? Thats me! I am sick of my wife keeping me up til 3am telling me that were not going to work out without trust and the next day expect me to be fine, im so angry. I try to tell her that this is too big to solve in one night and it was not til 4 hours later (3am) that she realizes this. I have patience believe me, 2am i got mad and raised my voice (or yelled) and she yells back. You see, when were younger, i would run away for a few hours and she would worry and be nice to me again. The fights would go through more smoothly. Now im up til 3am listening to how shes not going to put up with this (ie. no trust in the marriage)(its me she doesnt trust and for good reason). Its agonizing for me cause it takes hours and i dont know what to say to her.

I find myself wanting to avoid her and make the evening go by faster so that i can sleep and go to work in the morning to get away. After work she expects me home right away. I would just like to do something without her. Everything has to be done with her or 'i dont love her'. I just wish she wasnt so damn needy.

Im not happy in this marrige although she is a good wife, just not for me. She is sensitive im not, she needs i dont, and she's more about family while im more about career and money. Im thinking that by staying im just fooling myself.

How long have you been married? You said its you she doesnt trust and "for good reason". Have you really given her reason to not trust you or is the fact that you ran away for a few hours and made her worry when you were younger caused the distrust?

Let us know a few more details. Are you being serious, for example when you say "she is sensitive and you are not", etc?

Try to keep your feet on the ground.

Trish

We've been together for a little over 3 years and married a little under 2 years. The trust issues come from the fact that I cheated on her a few months into the relationship. Then I wasnt completely honest, lied about it and a little more would come out at a time. I said some things i think that just hurt her. Im not an honest person although I try. I just cant get the truth out cause i dont want to face it, that i've done something wrong (eg. cheating). Then there is the porn thing, i went behind her back to watch porn. It's just this long list of hiding and her finding out, i really do feel horible. So I have given her every single reason in the book not to trust me. She says im a good husband in everyother way. Now im 23 and trying to be mature but this whole fessing up thing is impossible to do. im trying to be mature by not getting mad and listening to her (not taking off at all now). But I can only hold out for a few hours before i get mad at what see is saying about me. It sounds so horible, i know i did some bad things. Why do I have to be told how much it angers her 3 years after the fact.

'she is sensitive and im not', well i have to always becareful as to what i say. I like to tease and joke but i never know. Somtimes she finds it really funny and we click and other times its 'whats that supposed to mean?!?", and its not that time of the month.

Hi there,
I hope you find have a counselor or clergy person to talk to. Check out divorcebusting.com for some great advice that really helped me when I was in a situation similar to yours You are young and are reaching out, so you can benefit so much from getting good advice now. You can get through these tough times. Best of luck!

Wow! As the Marriage editor here at Bella I just had to ask a few questions!
You're 23; how old is your wife? You say that you cheated on her a few months into the relationship; were you just together or already married?

You and your wife need to get to some type of counseling. Staying up 'til 3am is not healthy when you have to be alert for work the next day. That has to stop now.

Running away for a few hours, while understandable, will not solve the problem. She becomes frightened that you won't come back or that you're cheating again.

A marriage has to have trust and truth. You both need to work out your individual problems, (yours-truthfulness; hers-fear), before you can begin to re-build your marriage.

There are counseling centers where there is no fee or a small fee.

Right now, you and she are living in a very unhealthy relationship and for both your physical and emotional well-being, it must stop.

From experience. Once the trust has gone your marriage is never the same.

If you love the women try and work it out if not move on.

Wow, johnson, there is alot going on and you are so young. All of the advice and questions that have been asked and given are results of lots of experience. There is hope, if you AND your wife are serious about making your love work.

How old is your wife? Did you have fun and happiness for the more than a year that you dated?

Because you are so young, you acted young and immature when you first got together. That is no excuse for not being honest or running from the truth (or problems). One small lie makes a person tell more lies in order to cover the first one. It is time to get help, sort out all the truth, and start fresh. You can change that behavior, which it sounds like you have. Good for you! Now time will show your wife that you are serious by sticking to it. The only way to build trust is not to break it down, ever again. That takes time to show how serious you are, by being honest, always, and having open, loving discussions with your wife.

Trust takes awhile to rebuild, but you should not have to be brow beaten to the wee hours of the morning to be reminded of your past errors. You need to ask for forgiveness, make promises and vows, and then forgive yourself. You don't need to feel "horrible" and punish yourself, rather work on making the changes. That is an excellent reason to seek out a counselor or a clergy who can talk to both of you about mistakes, forgiveness, rebuilding trust, etc. (a marriage counselor, for example).

A woman wants to be the most important person in her man's life. She wants to feel the prettiest, sexiest, the MOST...everything! and she wants to feel like she has an inside track to her man's feelings, thoughts, emotions, plans, life, etc. By watching porn, you make her feel less than most important and by not telling her all the truth, all at once, you are keeping her at a distance from you. These are very important items for couples to understand and work on to be successful in a marriage. It takes alot of give and take, by both people, to have a good, happy marriage.

Try to remember all the reasons that you two fell in love and what things that you did that were fun. If you can get some help, maybe go on a couples retreat weekend, talk openly and honestly (like on a date night, when you don't have to get up for work) <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> and remember to always try to impress her like the first few dates, then I don't think your marriage is dead. (By the way, if she is sensitive to some of the things that you say in jest, then try to change the way you tease with her). My husband and son like to buy funny birthday cards, but they know I love romantic, sweet ones, so they pass the chuckle cards, just to keep me happy (and it works!)

Hope you are doing well right now and have enough stamina to pursue your wife and liven up your marriage. The fact that you want to talk about things means that you care. God bless you as you go through some of these changes. (And keep up your willpower about being honest and not running away from your problems!)

Next time you become part of a late night "conversation", tell her that you have to sleep for work the next day, but promise a "date night" to talk the next evening (so you can go over some of your thoughts). <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care and best wishes. Keep us posted.

Trish

I appreciate all the positive support everyone, thank you! I am not sure that I have the energy anymore to make this relationship work. I've heard of relationships that go on being unhappy and i just dont want 30 years to pass unhappy. Our relationship was postive until i cheated (obviously probablems there) and since then things have not been the same. I tried to make things work with all the most effort because i had so much positive energy. Last year though we went to counciling and i really felt like i could vent and we stopped going because she felt i was using this to put her down and use what she says against her. I've completly change my life around. I stopped drinking for over 2 years and cut out the friends that had bad influences on me, all my time is with her now. We are better partners now but all this baggage has grown within me that i feel completly bitter towards her. I dont even want to work on the relationship anymore. Ive tried my best and my optimism has faded over the years. I dont even want a relationship for a very long time until i feel myself again. I think that i should talk to her about all this but being the person that i am, i probably won't.

Did ever u think that maybe ur wife has done something too? It making her feel bad and taking things out on u? Some people act that way. My husband and i spent hours and hours just talking about what is going on in our lives and what was hurting us and what we can do fix them. Marriage is work and it is hard work sometimes. Don't mad at her for telling the truth to u. Just tell her look I want us to work things out and want us to stay together. That really up to u too. I am 23 and my husband is 24 and 3 children and we have been married for 5 years now. Another thing is my husband and i write to each other when we are too mad to talk to each other or when we don't see each other during the day; we would send a text message or an email. Another is pray pray pray about ur marriage ask God to help u.:)

Just from the title of your post, it sounds like you've made a decision, and just need some validation that you're on the right track, or some definite evidence to the contrary.

Yes, relationships are hard sometimes. And yes, if you do want it to work, you can fix this. But I think you're having some difficulty deciding if you really want it to work or not.

On the one hand, you have made a commitment to your wife.

On the other hand, you have already violated that commitment by cheating. One thing you might think about is why you cheated in the first place. You probably discussed this with your counselor, but rethink it, and see if you can really determine what you were trying to accomplish. Was your marriage missing something that you needed? Or were you simply unhappy, and trying to give yourself a more valid reason for it not to work?

One thing I have in common with you is that I was also married young. I was unhappy, and it was SO HARD for me to admit that to myself, and to accept that as a reason for considering leaving him. I kept thinking things like, "If only he were mean to me," then I would have a "good" reason to leave him. The fact that I was miserable WAS a valid reason, but I didn't see it that way.

Ultimately, I did leave, and I knew right away that it was the right decision, but not before then. You won't know for sure that it's the right decision for you until you actually do it. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to make a leap like this with 100% confidence.

I really do feel for you, as I know a decision like this is incredibly hard. The best advice I can give you is to look at what the situation is doing to you right now -- the lack of sleep, the stress, the effect on your job -- and ask yourself, "Can I keep going like this indefinitely? And if I do, what will happen to me?"

For me, the answer was that I would either end up dead, or in a mental institution. Once I knew that, I realized that I had to leave for my own self-preservation, regardless of any other consequences.

Take care of yourself, and do what's right for you. You're young, and guess what? You're allowed to make mistakes. You're also entitled to recover from them.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope that, one way or the other, you can resolve this situation soon and get back to having an enjoyable life. This may sound trite, but you only go around once, and you have to make every moment count. Don't waste your precious time being unhappy when you have the power to do something about it.