BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids The "glue" that holds you together...

So here's a question:

Kids are often seen as the "glue" that holds a marriage together...while of course we know this isn't true (and sometimes the exact opposite happens), it does make me wonder...what do you do with your significant other that helps you grow as a couple?

Since we've decided not to have kids, my husband has struggled with his purpose in life, and wonders what else we could do that would bring us closer together as a couple. I guess I'm at a little bit of a loss because I'm not quite as goal-oriented as he is. I don't feel I need a big "cause" or project to somehow make our marriage stronger. But maybe that's not a good way to think about it. I'd be curious to hear what all of you have to say on this.

[color:"blue"] My dh loves my cooking. hehe. We love to cuddle. He loves my giggles, I love the way he smiles and also the way he teases me. He loves my body shape to a T, and I love the fact that he's a big teddy bear.

I'm a goal orientated person, I'm also a big time go getter. So if I ever wanted something bad enough, I would have gone after it. My dh is more laid back, and that's fine.

When a breeder thinks they need some "glue" to bind their relationship together, they didn't have much of a relationship to being with, even if they are married. (Their marriage will always be shabby)

Good PNB and cf's have a definite relationship to begin with, and don't feel they need some "fix" other than maybe some counseling if you go through a patch. (It could happen) <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/images/graemlins/kiss.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/images/graemlins/lovers.gif" alt="" />

I hope I'm not confusing anyone.[/color]

I don't think my husband and I have ever really pinpointed a specific goal or purpose in our marriage, other than, "make it a good one," but I think the strength of our relationship lies in the fact that we're best friends. We were really good friends that got drunk at a party one night and hooked up and from this a beautiful relationship was born. Gee, maybe it is too bad I'll never have grandchildren to share that lovely romantic story with...that's the stuff fairy tales come from...HA HA!!

I've known my husband for a significant portion of my life and we still like to just hang out tossing back beers, talking about everything and nothing and laughing for hours - we just have a lot of fun together and that's one of the (many, many) reasons we don't want to bring a child into the mix....two's company, three's a crowd.

I can understand why your DH is looking for something tangible to bond you guys together joz; i guess he needs to be able to point to something and say 'yes, this is what we have, and why we're so good together'. Having said that, i don't think that my OH and i have anything particular either! My guy is very laid back and not terribly interested in hobbies or projects. I have been trying to get him interested in landscaping our house, and that's going well. we also like to travel, see arthouse films, eat out and read. I have interests of my own which don't include him, and i think that's good for the relationship too.
Maybe your DH just needs a mental 'replacement' for kids? Anyway, sounds like you guys have a great relationship. Just keep doing what you're doing!

If your husband needs a "replacement" for kids, please suggest becoming a Big Brother. There are SO many boys out there who need a mentor; so many, in fact, that when I was a Big Sister, the agencies were pairing boys with Big SISTERS due to lack of men having signed up to become Big Brothers: not a perfect set-up, but better than nothing for those boys. The entire point of being a Big is to show a poor or otherwise underprivileged kid that there is a bigger world out there than what he has so far had a chance to see. The agency will pair your up with a kid who shares your interests to a T. My Little Sister and I played pool, walked our dogs, and listened to music, and went to goofy movies. It was always fun.

Littles have much better chances of graduating high school, *not becoming teen parents* (can I get an amen here?), and not getting involved in drugs than kids from similar circumstances who don't have a Big. There are few social agencies who make a larger difference.

If he wants to feel like he's "making a difference", tell him to check it out! By contrast, parenthood is a complete crapshoot (yes, you might have an Einstein or a Mozart, but you might also have a Ted Kazinski); being a Big is a slam-dunk. The time commitment is 2 - 4 hours, a usually every two weeks. If he doesn't have that much time, he could do an "in-school" match, where he could spend only an hour with a Little --- this time, in the school setting. Doing homework, shooting hoops, whatever. It's less of a time commitment and a faster, more streamlined set-up process as well.

Cheers

Elise in NH

Hmm, I'd say a child could certainly test a relationship.. which might lead to a relationship growing stronger (or not)... which might lead to the "glue" theory. But that's a big "if."

Most people commit or marry for love or deep friendship these days, instead of by arrangement. If you did the arranged thing, adding kids--I guess--could be seen as a way of pulling your relationshp together.

But if you don't have something up front, you're not likely to have much later after being stressed out to the max with pregnancy and child issues.

Do the Big Bro/Sis thing, mentor a kid, make your neighbor's kid your "project" or whatever; but don't have kids to make your marriage "better."

The big brother idea is a great one; i imagine it would have a real 'feelgood factor'. Definitely suggest it to him; if he likes kids it would be a geat opportunity for him to spend time with a child whose interests would be closely matched with his. There are so many kids already here in the world who need to spend time with good role models; he could make real difference in a child's life.

The glue that holds my marriage together?

Love, of course! Why marry if not for love?

Using kids as "glue" is a REALLY, REALLY bad idea. My parents stayed together when my sister and I were children so that we'd have both parents around. BAD IDEA. All we ever heard out of those two was fighting and complaining. They tried to make us take sides. It was frightening and it made me and my sister completely miserable. We never learned from them how a healthy adult relationship should be; I learned through experimentation and a LOT of mistakes I wish I hadn't made, and I think my sister still hasn't learned.

We would have been much happier as kids had they just divorced like they were always threatening to. Now we kids are adults, mom and dad split, and we look forward to a peaceful visit whenever we see either of them. (They were never peaceful together.)

Add to that the fact that scientific studies and surveys show that marriages are at their most miserable in the presence of children, improving only when the kids grow up and leave! (There have been articles posted to this forum that discuss this in more detail.)

If you want "glue" try love, friendship, mutual interests, volunteer work, shared religious/spiritual beliefs, counseling, patience, self-help books, gentle humor, just ANYTHING but kids! Kids will NOT help a troubled marriage, they will only make it worse. A bad marriage is a punishment not only to husband and wife, but to any involved children as well.

And if you have a good marriage...why are you looking for glue?

Bear in mind also that sometimes a little time apart can bring you closer together. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I don't mean taking long vacations by yourself. Here's an example: I do volunteer work separate from my husband every Saturday morning. Come Saturday afternoon, I have lots of things to tell him about. It sparks interest and conversation, and even dates sometimes. Being interesting to your spouse helps, or even letting him miss you for just a little while. It works in my marriage, anyway.

I totally agree with you xantres. Even though my husband and I enjoy doing a lot of things together, we also have our own separate interests. He still goes out with his friends, or they'll have weekend fishing trips, and I do the same with my friends. In a couple weeks I'm going down to Oregon for a camping/whitewater rafting trip...girls only. And we've both gone off for a week or two at a time to visit friends or family around the country on our own. I've never understood couples that get together and then totally give up any activity or interest - or friend - that isn't shared by both.

By the way -- for anyone worried about a specific achievement shared by both partners in a marriage: count the years you've been together. Reminisce. Take lots of photos together and have your own family album. I was thinking about this just today. When my husband and I are 43 years old, we will have been married for longer than when we were unmarried; that will be a special anniversary. So will our 25th wedding anniversary (when we're 46) and our 50th (when we're 71!). Those are things to look forward to and work towards.

If your friends don't acknowledge that as an achievement and demand kids out of you, they aren't the kind of friends you want around.

Since you're childfree, you could also achieve other things with your spouse you might not otherwise be able to do. I say all the time that my husband and I are both going to become spiritual leaders -- that is our shared achievement, our goal. Your goals might include seeing the world together (or visiting every U.S. state or every european country, or sailing every sea, etc...). You might build something together, such as your home or a work of art. You might engage in volunteer work together. These are all great achievements to work towards and celebrate!